Pity Prayers

A Story by Days lost

N/a

[excerpt]

I sit. I have to sit because if I keep standing then I'll start pacing and then I won't stop and then my heart will start racing and I will feel that strange compulsive need to break things until I am the only one left standing screaming balling and so ill just sit. And I am siting cross legged like a child and I am exactly like I was as a child because I'm crying. I was such a crybaby and even though I spent years not crying, now--now I am and I can't stop. I clasp my hands the way you would if you were praying although I don't think I know what God I am praying to. What God? I lay my upper body on my still crossed legs with my praying hands clasped tight and against my chest. I continue to cry my silent sobs. I can't cry enough. Tears from years of not really living....what was I doing?
Stronger tears come out and they hurt my eyes and yet I manage to form my pathetic thoughts into words. I speak them quietly, but aloud.

"Why am I here? God please tell me there's a reason. What am I?"

The tears become stronger, louder. I'm panting---no wait I'm breathing harder. I'm not panting yet. It hurts. The questions that is. It's because I know the answer. Ah, yes it's coming to me right now; what I always knew. And it's really miserable that this is what I am. Or who I am. Really I'm no different than a fly. Exactly the same as a fly. I flew in someone's house for warmth from the cold outside, but honestly I don't remember because I'm just a fly and I don't have a very long attention span and now I'm in this house and I'm flying around all discordant and then the family that lives in the house notices me and they ignore me until I get to close and then they shoo me away, but sometimes they genuinely try to swat at me and I don't know why because I'm a fly and they want me gone and I keep flying toward windows because I see the sun but I don't understand that I can't reach it or that if I fly too close I will die, not that I'd make it that high but I should be able to get out by now because there's an open door but then I forget why I'm here again so I stop flying and I'm resting by a window again and I think I'm ok and someone swats at me again and they miss and then I'm flying and I accidentally go out the door and then....
Nothing.
That's the end. I don't know what happens after that but I know that I die and if I'm alive I'm really just surviving and that's not really important. It isn't living. But then again a fly doesn't live very long. Their life is not very note worthy either. Just like me.
Exactly.
I'm here but not in way that is necessary. I just happen to be here. And as I think all this I come back to my real body and in whispers of words broken by sobs I say:

"You are nothing, you will never be anything.
You are nothing, you will never be anything.
No one loves you.
No one wants you.
No one needs you."
It hurts so bad but I don't know where it's coming from so I can't stop it and just... Oh my god... I am going to die. I'm going to die. I don't know how but I...,Oh no. This, I....

I'm crying. I'm yelling screaming dying. I'm breaking.
No
No
No
No
No
It hurts. Please please please.
Don't let this be who I have to be. I can't but I am but I don't want to.
I cry tears as hideous as an angel's blood and as beautiful as a rotting sparrow's corpse. All I wanted to be was their wings.

-The Pity Prayers