A Slow Day in Malton

Three roomates are trapped in an apartment beset by swarms of the undead. Hilarity ensues!

 

“A Slow Day in Malton”

By

Shawn Drake

 

 

Setting: A sparsely furnished apartment living room. A couch takes up residence center stage, a door to one side, scattered clutter.

 

Cast of Characters:

 

Narrator: A firm-voiced know-it-all who really needs no introduction.

Jess: The only one in the apartment that seems to be concerned that the dead have risen.

Danni: The science-fiction geek with a minor in existential philosophy. Quick of wit, sharp of tongue.

Robin: Third-year Undeclared. Styles herself a forward-thinker…comes off pretentious. More involved with cheetos and arguments than fear.

 

(Lights up, Our narrator stands in at the front. Danny and Rob sit on a couch, freeze-framed, holding a remote at arms length, obviously struggling over it.)

 

Narrator: Our story begins in the city of Malton. It is a quiet city with low crime rates, respectable citizens, and incredibly strict littering laws. It is a city much like any other. The sun is shining, people are smiling, and everyone feels a general sense of well-being. Here we find two roommates, Danni and Robin engaged in their never-ending battle of wits. It is a day like any other. Only something is not right in Malton on this sunny day. Today, the dead have risen.

 

(Narrator walks off stage, snapping his fingers before disappearing. On cue, the scene resumes, Danni and Robin struggling for mastery of the remote.)

 

Danni: Give it here, Robin, you granola-munching remote fascist!

 

Robin: No! We are NOT watching another slasher-movie marathon!

 

Danni: C’mon, man, how often do we get to see CherryFallsand Sleepaway Camp without commercial breaks on daytime TV?

 

Robin: Too damned often, man. We watched this crap last week!

 

Danni: No, that was I Still Know What You Did Last Summer and Friday the 13^th part one.

 

Robin: (Still struggling) Have you ever thought of getting a boyfriend, dude? You’re starting to worry me.

 

Danni: (Tearing the remote out of his roommate’s hand) Sure…but Slasher-flicks don’t cost as much.

 

Robin: (slumping) Maybe not from where you’re standing.

(Freeze Frame; Narrator Walks back onstage)

 

Narrator: Two normal young people, without care, without worry. This will change for in a moment, their roommate, Jess, will be coming through that door. And with him, he will bring a proclamation so dire that these people’s lives will NEVER BE THE SAME!...(walking offstage) And three…two…one.

 

(The Narrator snaps and the door flies open, Jess bolts in, slams the door, panting heavily.)

 

Jess: Oh thank God.

 

Danni: (not looking) Welcome.

 

Robin: How was school, Junior?

 

(Jess crosses downstage to peer out the “windows” at the audience, terrified.)

 

Jess: (voice slowly rising in volume) Oh it was fine…Y’know the usual. English, Psych, Math…Zombies!

 

Danni/Robin: Zombies?

 

Jess: (Nodding emphatically) Zombies.

 

Danni: Slow down, Jess. Sit, relax, have a cheeto (offers the bag)

 

Jess: (Voice slowly becoming frantic again) I don’t want a damned cheeto! Help me barricade the door. They might be following me. (Struggles to move the sofa with the other two still on it) If they’re following me, then they’ll find their way here, and if they find their way here, they’ll find a way in…I mean, how hard can a little door be to break down. There are hundreds of them out there. Hundreds! More! And if they find a way in they’ll want to eat our…

 

Robin: (cutting off Jess, sarcastic, reaching for the bag of cheetos)Brains?

 

(Jess nods mutely, still struggling weakly with the sofa)

 

Danni: How do you know they’re zombies?

 

(Jess’s jaw drops. Danni and Robin wait a moment, expectantly)

 

Jess: You’re kidding right? (pauses) You’ve made me watch every George Romero movie ever made…I’ve seen Night of the Living Dead on stage with you…SEVEN TIMES!

 

Danni: (Matter of factly) But there are no Zombies in Night of the Living Dead

 

Jess: (stunned) What? Of course there are Zombies in Night of the Living Dead.

 

Danni: Not a single one.

 

Jess: (eyes wide) Then what the Hell were those things…y’know the ones that feasted on the flesh of the living…the ones that died when they were shot in the head. The ones that came back from the dead?

 

Danni: Ghouls. They never called them Zombies.

 

Robin: (Turning from the cheetos to offer a high-five to Danny) Touché, dude.

 

Jess: (hands thrown up) You’re arguing SEMANTICS with me at a time like this!?

 

Danni: What? If you’re going to freak out, you might as well get your facts straight. I mean, shooting a non-Romero zombie in the head isn’t guaranteed to kill it. In the Russo films, you had to burn the body.

 

Jess: So what?

 

Danni: So you might still be a snack to a zombie, even if you got in a headshot. Might suck to not know your semantics then, huh?

 

(Robin stands and crosses to the window while Jess mouth moves silently, forming a protest)

 

Robin: (shakes her head) I dunno. They don’t look much like zombies. Not pasty enough. No blood. I dunno.

 

Danni: (c***s an eyebrow) Are you discriminating? Zombies can’t be clean and bronzed? That’s gotta be something-ist.

 

(Jess begins to look worriedly at the door and wrings her hands)

 

Robin: (snorts) Shut up, dude. No…they just don’t look like zombies. Maybe everyone just got really bad arthritis all at the same time. That’d explain the limping. Or maybe everyone went suddenly blind…y’know like a sunspot thing…thus the running into stuff. Could be some new drug that’s got everyone so stoned that they don’t know who or what the hell they are…imagine a city of tripping loonies. (considers) I’d prefer zombies. Or maybe its international Zombie-walk day and no one told us?

 

Danni: Ugh. So in your expert opinion we have nothing to worry about?  

 

(Jess crosses to sit on the couch as Danny gets up to check out the window. Rob shrugs and goes to sit back on the couch)

 

Robin: (turning to Jess) Chill out, dude. You’re WAY too stressed. Have a cheeto. (turning to Danni) Whaddya think, Danni?

 

(Danni is silent for the moment.)

 

Jess: See, you see them don’t you. Corpses. The Living Dead. Zombies. They’re coming to devour us, just like in the movies. They’re probably saying “Braaaaaaiins…braaaaaaiiins”.

 

Danni: (thoughtfully) No…they wouldn’t be saying that.

 

Jess: (snidely) And how would you know that.

 

Robin: (whistling) Uh-oh…you can freak out all you want, but when you call a geek on her own brand of personal wisdom…(pauses for effect) Then you reap the whirlwind.

 

Danni: (sharply, crossing the room as she speaks) Well, for one, they’re staggering around like Wal-mart shoppers, not walking in a calm and orderly fashion. That makes me think George Romero-style ghouls. Now we all know that Romero’s particular brand of the living dead aren’t so much brain hungry as they are flesh hungry. Note the scene in Night of the Living Dead when the truck explodes…the ghouls don’t swarm to claim the tasty brains, no, they go for flesh. No real preference there. Now, the ones likely to be obsessed with your cerebrum, Jess, are the John Russo Return of the Living Dead zombies. But if we were dealing with those, then we’d be pretty much screwed. THAT’S how I know they wouldn’t be saying that. (Deadly quiet as he points to the bag) Now eat a freaking cheeto.

 

  (Jess, stunned, reaches in the bag and pops one into her mouth)

 

Robin: (petting Jess’s head) There now. That wasn’t so bad, was it?

 

Danni: Scoot over Jess. Gotta finish CherryFalls.

 

(Danni reclaims the remote and sits down)

 

Robin: Oh c’mon man…can’t we turn this crap off and watch the corpses.

 

Danni: Why? They aren’t going anywhere.

 

Jess: (Disbelieving) You’re kidding…we’re going to stand here and watch TV while those…things? Those monsters? Those Zombies lurch around hunting for human flesh?

 

Danni: C’mon, Jess. You know that the Zeds aren’t that smart. We’ve got the door locked and we’re on the fifth floor of this building. If things get dicey, we barricade with the beds and wait it out. National guard’ll be mobilized in a couple hours. They’ll clear them out.

 

Robin: (nods) Then we just hope they don’t shoot us by mistake like they did in the movie. That would suck, big time.

 

Danni: Nice, dude. Comforting.

 

(Rob shrugs and grabs another cheeto.)

 

Jess: Are you sure?

 

Danni: (Nods) Yeah, Jess. C’mon, I’ve got a lot of experience with this stuff. I know it better than anyone we know. I can outwit the undead.

 

Robin: (laughing) Dude…get with the new millennium. They prefer to be called the metabolically impaired.

 

Danni: (Rolls his eyes) Yeah, them.

 

Jess: (Settles back) Okay then…I guess we wait and see?

 

Danni: Seems to be the best option.

 

Robin: (going stiff) Dude…what if we get cornered up here? We’re on the fifth floor and we’re at the end of the freaking hallway. We’d be trapped like rats in a burning ball of fire!

 

(Jess looks worried)

 

Danni: (cocking an eyebrow) Dude…they’re zombies. Y’know, corpses that can suddenly move again? Rigor mortis? Ringing any bells?

 

Jess: So what? You’re saying we could get away?

 

Danni: (confident) Sure! They’re Zombies. (gesticulates wildly) OH NO! WALK! WALK FOR YOUR LIFE!

 

(All laugh)

 

(Laughter is cut short by a pounding on the door)

 

Jess: (Worried) National Guard?

 

(All are quiet…a low moaning is heard on the other side of the door.)

 

Robin: I’ll take that as a no.

 

Danni: It’s okay…they aren’t any stronger than humans. Plus they won’t work together to break down the door. We’re safe.

 

(On cue the door flies inward)

 

Zombies: Braaaaaaaiiiinnnss….Braaaaaaiiiinnsss!!!

 

Jess: (Turning to Rob and Danny) Nice knowing you.

 

Danni: (Terrified) This can’t be this isn’t like the movies.

 

Robin: (chuckling) Dude…the look on your face is priceless. You TOTALLY didn’t see this coming! (Pulls out a cheeto from the bag.)

 

(Zombies close in, moaning)

 

(Lights out, curtains close)

 

(Spotlight on the Narrator in front of the curtain)

 

Narrator: And there we have it folks. The City of Malton, overrun. The living dead, a vile threat to our way of life, rampaging through the street, eating argumentative roommates like you and I might eat cheetoes. It is a grim spectacle. It is a brutal scene. In fact, if you were to look behind this curtain, the sight may in fact scare your sanity straight out of your skull. Luckily for you, we aren’t going to open them. Instead, we leave you this simple warning. The Zombie Apocalypse, the Zombacalypse if you will, is coming. It may not happen tomorrow or the day after, but it is coming. So watch the films, create a plan with your family, load up on freeze-dried food and oak two by fours, map out escape routes and rendezvous points, find religion, spread the word, pet a kitten, brush your teeth—

 

(Zombies step out from behind the curtain and close in on the Narrator)

 

Zombies: Braaaaaaiiinnnsss.

 

Narrator: (as the lights go out) What are you doing? AAAAHHH!!!

Reviews

[Kate Franta]

Absolutely hilarious. Love the distinct characters, the snarky humor, and most of all the matter-of-fact zombie discussion. Great use of situational irony. Glad to see someone else pays attention to zombies this much.

Also, would love to see this performed someday.

[Kaitlyn M.]

This is just...astounding. I know I say that all the damn time about your writing, but how can I help it if it's true? I was surprised I hadn't reviewed this yet, but whatever.

The witty, sarcastic voice works very well here, and honestly, where would zombies be without the comedy? We'd have no Shaun of the Dead, and that would be unfortunate.

Anyway, I love all of your characters here, and I seem to identify with them a little too well. Just a tad. ;) I seriously want to grow up to be that awesomely snarky. So I want to grow up and be you? WEIRD. Nix that then. They're all loveable, and rather real for comic characters (which is something lost in a lot of comedy--I don't see people, I see gags).

Oh and "metabollically imparied" is the best joke ever. Seriously. Everyone else gets to be PC, why not the zombies too?

And it's lovely when performed too. Way to go Shawn. You've got a winner.

[Azaradelle]

This was absolutely hilarious. I found myself laughing out loud throughout the whole play. The character development was excellent, and only added to the humor.
I think you have a great talent in playwriting. It would be great to see this performed.
Keep it up.

Yrs.

Azaradelle.