The Present History Of The Future

The tale begins with, but is not limited to a fat man, and old woman, and a sausage.

 

A small old woman walks into a coffee shop and meets MW who began to talk of binary timing.  So she argued how all of his nonsense was redundant and started to beat him with a sausage that she had in her purse, which usually she had with her coffee.  He stood up and summoned a giant chicken which he used to explain how it would be needed to stir her coffee.  Puzzled for a moment she put her sausage away because she would need it for later, and stirred with his giant external clock signal.  Sadly, her coffees frequency did not match his giant chickens oscillating stir.  She need to sync with an external clock because they were synchronous stirring, so the woman, the coffee, the sausage, MW, and his chicken all went to visit Asodnem’s mother, since she requested a demo.  However, upon arrival she was busy synchronous stirring herself.  So they all started to asynchronous stir with Asodnem’s mother in a bipolar format.  She had multiple bit streams transmitted to her face.   Very little synchronization was done after that, but MW was not done.  He still had several untransmitted characters so he streamed them into the coffee belonging to the old woman.  She said, “Don’t forget the ice!  We need that giant chicken for an isochronous stir as well.”  MW proceeded to summon more characters until his transfer was complete and he summoned ice so they could the streamed data for later but not after having tried some first.  She pulled her extensive biscotti collection out to sample this fucked up coffee.  Naturally, it was too bitter.  She added a few Swedish fish and then requested that the strapping british lad in the corner fetch The Golden Spoon of Fate (+3 Stir, +2 Taste, -1 Dick) from her swiss bank account. 

   So he left for Switzerland (but not before porridge and yogurt) on a British made scone.  Having transferred a large quantity of dick to make up for the spoon, he headed on his quest with the knowledge of his upcoming loss and decided to stop in Amsterdam before his fate and get a second helping of porridge off a hooker’s tit.  Then he returned to the old woman with his dick in his hand and the Spoon up his a*s, the only way it would make it across the border.  She proceeded to take the sausage from her purse and swap it with his dick, so she might enjoy it with her coffee.  Now, spoon in hand, she opened the lid of her coffee only to find, A Wormhole.  She first shoved the sausage in, followed by MW, and then jumped into it herself to find herself in her own vagina with the Brit’s spoon in there too, 15 years before.  It was dreaded new knowledge this happened before as well.  He went to the woman and slapped the s**t out of her.  Coincidently, 15 years earlier, she was a virgin, so he relaxed on her hymen inside the wormhole vagina.  Enraged, she smashed her own hymen and they were all flushed out of her vagina into a chucky cheese ballpit.  Covered in blood, and colored balls, MW grabbed The Golden Spoon of Fate, and scooped down into the pit only to find that it wasn’t a pit at all, but rather another wormhole into the Brit’s a*****e which is how the Spoon magically appeared in his a*s 15 years later.  MW marveled at this realization and jumps around excitedly inside the colon. 

   Meanwhile, in the future, this causes the present day Brit to fart and release the triad from his bowels.  The three from the past, meet the three from the future and all begin to play twister.  Except, the losers must be slain in order to retain the integrity of the space time continuum.  So the Brit, uses The Spoon of Fate to spin the dial, and start the survival of life.  Landing on the red, he stretched his right foot to the starting spot which was the present woman’s vagina and having space for only five people, the past MW was the first to go.  The Spoon spins again, chosing the next action, which involved the next location, the Brit’s a*****e.  They started to move and eliminate the next player.  Suddenly, a dark mysterious man enters.  He introduces himself as the defender of space time.  They were all in violation of his law.  Out of the shadows he stepped, it was Steven Segal, wielding the legendary Soul Reaver.  The situation was grim, so present day MW thought quickly and reached out to The Golden Spoon and swung it out in defense.  The Brit, still on the spoon was shattered by the Soul Reaver.  They dueled.  MW’s bit rate increased as Steven Segal ran out of his energy drinks.  With a great monotone roar, MW struck Segal with such force that he transformed into Ryan Seacrest.  The old woman then proceeded to congratulate his efforts for turning Segal into someone to be easily handled and took the Spoon and out of victory, shoved it deep into her own a*s for safe keeping until the next Segal would need thwarting.  The once mighty Segal, now just Ryan Seacrest, was given to the old woman as a gift from MW.  He would become her slave.  The Brit, exhausted and flabbergasted, approached MW and jumped on his back and rode into the sunset, yippee-kai-aye mother f****r!