Whispered words

dark, smoky room confession

Do you remember

Those cold nights last winter

When we shared our secrets

Like wood sharing splinters

Over cups of coffee

And lit cigarettes

That burned down

to our fingertips

saying promises we knew

we might never keep

It seemed like the rest

of the world was asleep.

And late night cab rides

When we had no money

So we stopped round the block

And just started running.

Remember standing on rooftops

And screaming at traffic?

You'd finish my sentence

Like you're telepathic

We'd argue whether

Or Not we could fly

And agreed that it might

be orgasmic to die

We named all the stars

You said you didn't care

Whether or not God was

Really up there

You screamed at the sky

For an electric answer

And swayed in the wind

With the grace of a dancer

We pretended that nights

Like those never end

But as quick as they appeared

They disappeared again.

If you never, ever, ever see my face again

Just remember last December and how I looked back then.

Reviews

[Emily B]

The splinters/secrets analogy didn't do anything for me. I'm wondering if it could be tied in with the cigarettes burning down to our fingertips a little more concretely.

You'd finish my sentence like [you were] telepathic?

We'd argued/agreed

The punctuation is problematic for me. The spaces don't seem to always fall where they should.

Take my suggestions with a grain of salt. I know very little.

[Mokey]

Very nice! I really like this one. I like the specifics of it and how it feels so personal.

The part here, "And moved with the wind/ With the grace of a dancer," is beautiful. I think you could do without repeating "with" so close together, but that image is lovely.

I especially like the rhythm and the ending. Well done! :)

[Treasaigh (The Solitar..]

Mmm, makes me feel just a weebit melancholy, I love when a writer can take me someplace else, if only for that brief moment. I felt as if I was there, in someway it mirrors reflections of my own life. Very touching write.


And moved with the wind

With the grace of a dancer

We pretended that nights

Like those never end

But as quick as they appeared

They disappeared again.

Very beautiful=)

[shandi]

Those last two lines totally brought everything together. I had to read it to my sister. I could tell by the look on her face that it did it for her too.

[frogbean]

I know how you dont like flattery reviews but i do think that this was an exceptionally well written peice. i enjoyd reading it. i think that it portrays a real aspect of love, the whole you are together one minute and the next you arent but you still have all of the memories of what happend. in a way it is a poem about love but it also shows about missing someone you were once so close to.
sorry if you dont like my review but this is my OPINION. i like your work overall you seem to have great tallent and potential.


FrOgBeAn

[Leiah Perez]

Really good .It flowed well . Kinda loving but not .Its sweet .But I would not put on a v-day card .BPL

[N3v3r_2_L@t3]

You did a great job on this peice. It portrays a picture of what used to be, with either a friend, or a long lost loved one. I loved how you used your rhyme scheme well, and on some lines, you rhymed, and others, you didn't. It puts some variety into this poem. The only thing that I would change about it, is to put in more detailed words, or figurative language. Like, for example.

"
Do you remember

Those cold nights last winter

When we shared our secrets

Like wood sharing splinters

Over cups of coffee"

I would make changes to this line, like so

"Memories flood my hazy mind
Cold winter nights,
shared splinters, as cruel as shared secrets
before a warm, cup of coffee
that sent warmth cascading through our bodies"

Those are just some of the changes I would make, you know, making it more poemy.
But I liked it regardless