With A Gun To Your Head

My second suicide poem.

Her fingers tap in rhythm

across the bathroom floor

as the bathtub fills with water

poor girl's shattered to the core

 

She reaches for the faucet

and turns it to the right

shutting off the water

the turns off the bathroom light

 

she undresses from her clothes

and steps into the tub

the ice water is a punishment

for being sick of all this grub

 

she sits into the water

shivers racing down her spine

the reaper thinks to himself

"her soul will soon be mine"

 

her heart beat goes faster

as she is now submerged

her screams of fear and pain

will soon be so unheard

 

her eyes begin to flutter

and they just keep on blinking

as her soul climbs out

what was this young girl thinking?

 

 

Author's Note

Every 16 minutes someone commits suicide.

Every 17 minutes someone is left to figure out why.

Reviews

[Androglossia]

I can't imagine myself hanging from a rafter or seeing myself dead, lying next to an empty bottle of pills. I understand that dealing with reality does not come easily. We may try to find different ways to cope with the pressure of life but not everyone can find a safe way to deal with stress. Some may finally turn to what they feel is their only other option, suicide.

I agree with BLBrown, it is a heavy subject matter. Your poem talks about the the third leading cause of death among adolescents. But you did a great job. You molded your thought so well into a great poem. There are some typos here and there but a quick review could make it an excellent piece.

[A. V. Madison]

Thanks Maryanne. It's always great to hear from you.

[Kaitlynn A. Black]

Wow! Kick bottom piece! =D I liked how it sucked me in and then tossed me out on the last line, knowing that it wasn't about dying, but living. While, some people may not fear death. And others will walk right towards it. I kick the reapers butt, before I go. Great words!

-Odds & Ends

[A. V. Madison]

Haha, thank you.

[Forever Hidden]

First poem I've read of yours and it's REALLY good! I can't wait to read the others!

[A. V. Madison]

Thank you so much!

[Sami Khalil]

Good write. It is a good subject to shed a light on .
Thanks for sharing

[Cole Hayley]

I like it, Im just about to publish a piece about sucide aswell and I got to admit your piece is pretty moving, a great read.

[quixotic_rose]

Excellent write, even though its on suicide a gruesome topic indeed. You captured the moments very well.

[♪The Girl Next Do..]

This so deep. Excellect, sad, flowing, all in one poem. Great work

[Walker Andreasen]

I liked this poem a lot!
"Her fingers tap in rhythm
across the bathroom floor
as the bathtub fills with water
poor girl's shattered to the core"
This opening stanza as well as the title drew me in and made me want to stay and read. The poem had an excellent flow and you painted a beautiful picture. You were able to stay on topic and tell the whole story fluently. Well done, madam. Well done indeed!

[A. V. Madison]

Wow, thank you, Mr. Andreasen. Your words mean wonders. Thank you for reading.

[Walker Andreasen]

No problem! Thank you for writing such wonderful poetry!

[BLBrown]

Wow. What heavy subject matter, and you handle it so well with your piece. You wrote:

she sits into the water
shivers racing down her spine
the reaper thinks to himself
"her soul will soon be mine"

The imagery of these lines is outstanding, really. I can see it, I am there.

This is such a traumatic topic, not easy to write about. It seems like everyone knows someone, or someone who knows someone, who committed suicide. So very sad.

I once read something in Psychology Today about how it is believed that as many as half of suicides were meant to be cries for help, but instead they died. This makes it even more tragic...death is never the answer.

Thanks so much for sharing this, an excellent piece. The pacing is good, the rhyme is well done and subtle.

My only critique, if you want to keep tweaking at it, is that I always find that consistent syllable count can help the flow in short lines such as these, allowing the reader to better focus on reading. Also, you might consider changing "grub," to "mud."

I have written a few poems that end with suicide. There was a time in my life, long ago, when I was suicidal as an outcome from child abuse. My short poem, Stain on the Soul, speaks for itself, if you are interested. All is explained in the description and author's notes.

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/bbrown/957483/

Well done, my friend! A brave write.
Barbara

[A. V. Madison]

Thank you soooo much, Barbara. Its always nice hearing from you.