My Life In Words!!

A few people have asked me to do this, so... here goes!!

"As a child, I always wanted to grow up. This was definitely not what I was expecting."

Oh hai!

Well, let's begin my story at birth!!

I was born on December 23rd in Northern California to a mother named Sam and a father named Ryan. Originally, I was to be named Cordelia if I was a girl, or Riley if I was a boy, but my parents decided not to damn me eternally and name me simply Madison. So, on that day, I was born as Madison, with the middle name Noel (my grandma's idea).

At first, when I came out of my mom, I... well I wasn't breathing. I didn't breathe for about four minutes, and my parents... I think they survived about 63 heart attacks, but then I finally took a breath for the first time, and HURRAY! I was officially alive! Well, as you can see, my parents already had the insight that I, their first-born baby girl, was going to be a tad of trouble. 

When I was two, my mom got pregnant again. I was happy, but also scared. I wanted to name my new baby sister Reese's Puffs, because that was my favorite cereal at the time and still is to this day. But, anyways, my sister was born July 28th, as Sidney Leigh. Question- why did she get the pretty name, mom and dad? Haha.

Anyways, I was sort of spoiled when I was a kid. We had a nice big house in a decent neighborhood, and my parents owned two Dry Cleaners, but that's when the recession hit, and we had to sell nearly everything and go move in with my grandparents on my mother's side. Not that I didn't like them, but... I always liked my Yai Yai (grandma on my dad's side better). 

So, after living with my grandma for about... um... it would have been like 5 months I think, yeah, 5 months. So after living with my grandma for 5 months, my parents had their anniversary and went to go see a movie with my sister and I. It's really complicated what happened next, but, to skip all the drama, my parents and my grandparents got in a huge fight which in turn made us have to move out. 

We lived in an RV, in a hotel, and in our car. We had no money, so I gave up a lot of my food for my sister to eat, because I'd always had a maternal instinct over her. 

After a month or two of homelessness, we moved into an apartment complex near my grandparents because my aunt Julie had suffered an aneurysm (a series of strokes) because of her drug use when she was younger, and she needed constant care in the hospital. 

She went into a coma for a few weeks, but luckily she survived! Yay! On the other hand, my family and I were struggling with money. 

Eventually, we moved into a rental house! Yay again! And that was absoutely awesome because now I had a yard to play in with my little sister, and a room of my own! It was great, and I made some new friends. 

Unfortunately, some of those friends... didn't survive. I had a mass amount of friends that commit suicide, died of diseases, were murdered, and died of cancer. But they are with God now, and all is well. 

Anyways, I made some friends, and one particular friend I'd like to point out was named Jennafer. She helped me through a lot and she is, to this day, one of my best friends. In a few months it will mark our six year friendship anniversary! Yay!

Life was seeming great, but underneath the facade... a lot of things were crumbling. 

In sixth grade, I met a girl named Charlie (not her real name, but I figured she'd want to keep it secret), who is also my best friend and I love her so much and she got me through a hell of a lot too. Anyways, towards the end of sixth grade, her grandmother got really sick, and... well she turned to self-harm. 

I'll admit, I did too after awhile because of some real pent-up anger for my grandmother for making my family suffer in homelessness. I made two, really deep slices into the back of my left arm, who leave behind very prominent scars. 

As we began to venture into summer, my mother came out and told us that she has a drinking problem. At this time, I was already very insecure and hurting a lot, and this didn't help. Queue up the next set of scars on my arm. 

After one month of AA meetings, my mother told us she'd stop drinking. It was about a month later that we found empty bottles. This led to one of the worst fights my parents every got into, but she stopped drinking for good, and things were decent again.

In the middle of the summer, I met a boy (no, it wasn't romantic, it was just friendship) named Harley and a girl named Hidden. They know how fucked up I am and love me regardless. I owe them a lot. Anyways, during the summer, my cutting became... an addiction, and I got severely depressed. 

It's not an easy thing to talk about, but I began to starve myself. I dropped down to nearly 8O pounds, which is pretty low since I am nearly five and a half feet tall. I built walls around me...

And I shut down. 

Ask Harley, Jennafer, Charlie, Hidden, or anyone else. I was really sick, and really messed up. 

Eventually, my anorexia became a disease within me that I had to take a lot of medicine for and my doctors said I had cancer, but we later found out I didn't.

I met a really kind boy named David, and I owe a lot to him. He knew how depressed I was and checked up on me all the time. It was really nice to have him care, and I owe him a lot too. 

Eventually, I told him about me being sick, and this led to the most amazing and complicated relationship ever. But I loved him, and he loved me, and he gave me a reasoto smile everyday, and that's all that mattered. 

At this point, I was eleven years old, and I'll bet some of you want to know exactly how skinny I was, so here's a picture.

Yes, I realize I am turned to the side, but that is the only picture I have on my computer from the time of starving myself. 

Anyways, I want to make it very clear that David was really a great guy. He understood me, loved me, and cared about me. He didn't care that I was sick and didn't look very well. He loved me for the girl inside, and that's all I could ever ask for. But we eventually did break up... and I didn't take it in the best way that I could have, even though I was the one who broke up with him. 

I started hanging out in a bad crowd, doing some bad things, and acting very promiscuous. I had lost all self respect for myself and was basically selling myself out to any guy. No, not prostitution, I'm simply saying that at this point in my life, if a guy were to feel me up, I would have no self-respect to tell him to stop. 

Eventually, I got back into being a better person, stopped hanging out with the bad people, and gained respect for myself again. I even got back together with David, but we were both having really messed up lives at that point so we just called it quits. He is still a very close friend of mine, and I love him as a brother rather an a boyfriend nowadays. 

FIXING IT ALL

March 20th, 2013, was the day that really saved me. My mother came into my bedroom after dinner and wanted to discuss a remark I'd made during the evening. I prefer not to disclose what was said between us. I'd secretly been visiting the school counselor about my eating disorder and cutting the days before, and he'd told me that I needed to tell my mom these things, but I was too scared.

"You know you can tell me anything, right, honey?" She said. 

I looked up at her. I knew this would be my only chance. 

"Mom, I need to tell you something."

The tears came pouring out as I told her about my depression, my anxiety, my cutting, and my starving myself. 

And she took it really well. 

That was one of the best days of my life. 

Nowadays, I still have friendships with the people who saw me spiral down into an endless sea of suicidal thoughts and actions. I still suffer from severe panic attacks, but am working with my school counselor and my parents to overcome my depression. I still skip meals sometimes, but am at a happy weight right now. I am currently content with my life. 

As you can see, a lot of things happened in the past two years, and I lost a lot of friends, but the ones that stayed with me are the ones I love the most. I'd like to take a moment to recognize them now. 

-Charlie

-David

-Harley

-Hidden

-Hugo

-Jennafer

-Ashley

Thank you for reading, and I know what you're thinking. "What's the point of posting this?" 

I posted it because I want people to know that no matter how bad it gets, it's never too late to turn it all around. 

Love, 

Maddie "Alice"

My sister and I <3

Me.

Myself.

Once again, my anorexic phase. 

"Life's a journey, not a destination,

and I can't tell just what

tomorrow brings."

-Aerosmith, Amazing

Author's Note

I know, it's not rated Mature, please don't bring that to my attention in the reviews, but rather tell me how you related to this and how it helped you :) Thanks!

Reviews

[Admiral Kirk]

I didn't breathe when I was born either. :o I wrapped the umbilical chord around my own damn neck. -_- Anyway, this story is amazingly beautiful. :'D I have no idea what to say except that you're totally awesome, man. Stay strong. :)

[A. V. Madison]

Yeah, you would be the kind of person to wrap your umbilical cord around your neck, Jake lol XD thanksies :D

[Admiral Kirk]

Lol that's me xD You're welcomesies. O.O :D

[C.C. Marx]

Maddie,
First let me you say you are one brave girl. I might go through a lot of s**t in my life but sometimes I forget that people have it worse, and the fact your still standing here ready to share you story makes you admirable in my eyes. I went through a starving phase too but for other reasons. Never did I reach an unhealthy state because I stopped if before it became too bad. But there have been times when I've almost relapsed. I suffer from an anxiety disorder which in turn makes me depressed. It's hurt to get through days sometimes and deal with people. I've lost a good friend this year, or at least the friend I thought she was. But no matter how crappy of a day I have or how self conscious I'm feeling, I always have someone looking out for me, whether it be my best friend or my friends on here....you story has taught me that hardships we face can be dealt with when you have good friends and the will to fight, thanks for that

[A. V. Madison]

Thank you, C.C., it means a lot hearing that from you. I'm glad you were able to take that from this. I give you all my prayers to help with the anxiety, and all my hope that you will never relapse. I'm totally blissed out that you took the time to read this, and thank you

[C.C. Marx]

It is absolutely my pleasure, it was an awful day yesterday and your story inspired me to be stronger and try to move on, no matter the hurt or pain really I should be the one thanking you! Prayers for you as well stay happy and healthy my friend :)

[A. V. Madison]

Thank you. Like my great grandma told me, keep your head up high but your heart up higher.