Scars Of My Misery

A Story by PrettyLittleMockingjayWhoWanderedIntoTheTARDIS

Trigger Warning: Suicide, Cutting, Rape When he was about five or six, Clark had witnessed his older brother commit suicide. Flash-forward several years. Clark is now on the same path as his brother.

When I was little, about five or six, I remember going into my brother's bedroom only something was a bit off.
As I pushed the door open my brother's eyes met mine. He let out a gasp and I now can assume that he regretted his last move.
He was sixteen at the time and most of what I can remember about him were the constant visits tot he hospital, my parents refusing to put him into Rehab and those scars that I use run my fingers over that went up and down both his arms. I never understood why he was so miserable.

Watching a person jump off a cliff and cannon ball into a like is one thing but watching a person jump off a chair and end their life, well...That can really mess you up.

"I remember it like it was yesterday. I push the door of Bryan's bedroom open and see him about to take off from the chair he was standing on, a tie of his loosely wrapped around his neck. He lets out a gasp as we make eye contact but it's too late for him and in the blink of an eye he had taken his own life." I looked up at my therapist from the couch I sat on which was opposite him. He nodded ever so casually in that cocky professional way and clicked his pen, the familiar sound echoing in my ears. He then took notes and let out a soft 'mhm' and gestured for me to go on. I let out a chuckle and shook my head in disbelief. "I don't belong here." I then stood as did the therapist.
"Why do you think that?" He asked, obviously trying to distract me so I'd stay for the full hour and he'd get his money.
"I just don't!" I protested.
"Your wrists tell me otherwise."
I look down at my wrists and see the scars of my misery.
"Why are you here?" The therapist questioned.
"My parents told me that I had an appointment with you."
"And where are your parents?"
"Work. I drove myself."
"You say you don't belong here, yet you drove yourself here?"
I sat back down.

My parents rushed in and my father quickly got my brother down and laid him on the floor as my mother held onto me, trying to keep me from looking but I just couldn't look away.
My father was trying to revive Bryan but it was no use...Bring at a young age I didn't know exactly what was happening. I broke away from my mother's grasp and went over to Bryan's (now) lifeless body. I gave him a pat on the head like he'd do to me whenever he would tuck me in at night.
I gave both my parents a whispered 'Shh' and said "Bryan's sleeping".
I know now that his sleep is eternal.

"I have trouble sleeping some nights." I soon mentioned after what seemed like hours of awkward silence. The therapist, of course, took notes.
"Why do you think that is?"
It didn't take long to think about it. "The nightmares."
The therapist looked up at me without a second thought and said, "Care to elaborate?"
I told him all about the nightmares that I could remember. Telling him of one where my brother was revived only to discover that I can only see him then later on I soon discover he's a ghost and then he kills me and drags me to hell. Another is where my parents try to sacrifice me to bring Bryan back to life.

"None of the nightmares make any sense to me." I said with a shrug.
"Do you feel like your parents care more about your deceased brother than they do you?"
Exactly that.

On my birthday, six years after Bryan's suicide, my mother stayed in her room all day because (like always) she couldn't deal with the fact that Bryan's birthday was two days away. It felt to me that she had lost any knowledge of my existence.
I spent the remainder of that day in my room. My father had taken my mother's side and that same day I had ran away.

I didn't want to admit it but soon after a bit of hesitance I nodded. "Yeah, all the time."
"And when did you start cutting?" Just the mention of the word had me craving for another slice.
I inhaled and slowly exhaled, trying to calm myself down. I slid doen on the couch a bit. "When I was old enough to understand what it was." I nodded. "I also remembered that he had them all up and down his arms." My finger glided over the scars on my right arm.

It was on that day. My birthday and the day I ran away that I had cut for the first time.

When my mother and father were hiding from me and the rest of the world in their bedroom (the door was locked) I quickly packed up some things and made a quick stop to the bathroom.
Years ago, my parents were getting rid of Bryan's things but I got to his razors and hid them.

In the bathroom, I make sure the door is locked before taking down the small mirror that was hung on the wall in front of me, just above the sink. Setting the mirror carefully down on the floor I turn my attention to the hole in the wall that Bryan had made during one of his random tantrums -he had a bad temper- and reached in and took the cloth that I had hid there in my hands and unfolded it to see my brother's razors. I was sure to clean one of them off before I used it on myself.
The blood ran down my arm like water that was gently flowing peacefully around the river bend and all I could do was watch. I was soon pulled back to reality due to the sound of the razor hitting the tile floor. I looked back at the bathroom door, hoping someone would open it and see me and be worried. I was hoping someone would care but no one came to my rescue. I was still alone.
I then got really angry and kicked the mirror. My reflection finally matched how I felt on the inside. Distorted.
When I left I swore to myself that I'd never return but hours later I was picked up by the cops and brought home. I was hospitalized three times after that and once my father yelled at me, accusing me of being selfish and how he'd wish I was a better son, more caring and responsible.

"Looking back now, where you're at and what you know now, what are your feelings towards your brother?" The therapist's eyes were glued to me like a vulture stalking its prey.
I smiled softly and my eyes met my therapists'. "Jealous".
I could tell from the change in my Therapist's expression that he was concerned.

I have a diary. I write a lot about how I feel, my thoughts and my fears. It helps me and keeps me from not cutting.
I write poems, personal poems that mean much more than silly rhymes. They are my cry for help, though, they are intended for my eyes only.
My cries will forever be silent.

"Have you ever fallen in love?" The therapist asked. "Have you ever opened up enough to let someone in?"

A frown was seen upon my lips. I looked down at my left arm and pointed to four scars. "These are the outcome of me opening up and letting someone in".

Entry #25: The Summer Fling...
He was hot. He was into me. He cared. He was a liar...He hurt me and left when he got what he wanted.

I was at the mall, my parents were having another fight so I got out of there before I was dragged into it and now I was wandering aimlessly passed expensive stores and people trying to sell me cheap products when something caught my eye...A guy. He was looking through the games that were on sale at GameStop. I just stood there and stared. I knew I liked guys but I didn't feel this much of an attraction til now.

My eyes started to scan his body starting from his short but stylish blond hair then they traveled over his purple tank top that his his perfectly chiseled chest then ended at his a*s which was covered by his very tight grey skinny jeans.
I bit my lip out of nervousness before making my way into GameStop. My eyes stayed focused on him as I tried to make it look like I too was occupied. I picked up a couple of games and let out a sigh as I pretended to show some interest in them.
"That one's really good." A voice said and someone pointed to a Mortal Combat game that I had in my left hand. I turned and met my eyes with who was giving me gaming tips and almost dropped the games when I realized who it was.
"Oh! Thanks." I said then put the games back on the rack. "I was just looking actually." I then tried to play it cool around him. "So...Are you a gamer?"
"Nah. My sister is though."
"What's your name?" I asked ever so casually.
"James." He gave a big smile. "And you are?"
"Clark." I replied then put my hand out to him. He shook it and after, we walked around the mall for a bit.
"Call me sometime." James said then handed me his phone. I took it and put in my number. He then called me and I saved his number in my contacts.
"Will do!" I then headed home.
I called him two days later and we made plans to see each other on Saturday. It will forever be my favorite and most remembered Saturday ever.
He made me feel like I had a reason to live. He made me feel wanted and special and loved.
We made it official after three dates and had been together for a month and a half but one night in July is when things changed.
July fourth to be exact. James had invited me to a bon fire on the beach that his friends were hosting.
There were s'mores, dancing and of course, drinking. By midnight James was drunk and still drinking. I felt a bit uncomfortable, a bit out of the loop do I wandered off to be by myself for a bit, clear my head and all that when someone caught up to me and put their arms around me.
"Hey" James spoke with a strong slur.
"Hello." I said, looking over at James and before I knew it his lips were on mine. I was pressed into the sand and he was on top of me.
I remember how fast he was at getting my pants off and then he pinned my wrists above my head. I tried screaming for help but then he covered my mouth with one hand and I did try to fight him off with my free hand but he was too strong.
The pain was intense and my vision blurred as tears streamed down my cheeks like a rapid waterfall and all I could think of was what my dad had told me several times before, 'You will be punished for your wrong doings!'
I take it this is my punishment... Are you happy now, dad?
I lost track of time. I shut my eyes and when I opened them James was gone. As I got my pants back on, I stumbled a bit as I tried to get to my feet and once home I ran to the bathroom and threw up.
Now, as I sit in the tub, the shower on and the water falling down on me, I wash myself for the sixth time but I can still feel him. I scream the loudest I've ever screamed and drag a razor against my wrist four times. It was as easy as cutting a piece of cake.

There was a long pause between my therapist and I. He looked at his watch then set his note pad on the table next to his chair.
"I want to try something." He said then stood (I didn't realize how tall he was til now) and sat next to me on the couch. "Imagine that your brother is sitting there right now. What would you say to him?" The therapist then gestured to the empty chair.
My eyes then focused ont he chair. I didn't know what my therapist was trying to do to me. What was his plan? Was he going to have me hallucinate then send me to a psych ward?
I was nervous, scared until I saw him and my worries went away.
There was Bryan with his silly grin, black stylish hair and glasses. He was wearing the same outfit he wore on the day he had committed suicide which was a white tank top and jeans.
"Hey." I managed to collect myself enough to try to have a decent conversation with him. A couple of tears ran down my cheeks.
"Hey to you too." Bryan gave me a wide smile. His voice was like music to my ears.
"I miss you."
Bryan nodded as if he already knew.
"I wish you were still here. Things would be a whole lot easier." I admitted and couldn't help myself, everything just started coming out me. "Why did you do it? Why would you do that to mom and dad...To me?" I just needed to know.
Bryan was silent. His emerald colored eyes met mine. "I have my reasons." Was all he said.
I let out a chuckle of disbelief. "Please? Tell me!" I begged.
"I don't want to worry you any more. You need to focus on yourself. Don't end up like me."
Tears threatened to escaped my eyes. I blinked to let them free and when I opened my eyes Bryan was gone. I held in a gasp and I now realize why my therapist wanted me to do this... Closure. And that's exactly what I got.