A Personal Message.

This is really for me.

TO MYSELF:

Stop it. Stop ruining your own opportunities because you're so sad. Use yourself and everything you have been given to achieve the goals you see before you daily; help the suffering and fight the evil and wrong in the world. You know you've been alone a lot and that isn't changing. You miss and long for a family that were never yours - even if you do fix it with Carole or Gregory, you'll still have the marks from the past on your skin and brain, it won't change and you will not get the feelings you desire from them. Seek elsewhere.

Stop making excuses and STOP being lazy. You sabotage yourself because you are depressed, you don't eat even though you buy the food, you think you are worthless and hate yourself, even though you know you are not and you really want to self-love. I don't know what you need to do to escape the stagnation you're caught in, but think of what you can do! You could survive as a child alone. You can make clothes, crochet and knit; you're musically talented with more than one instrument and can read/write score. You can cook, and are very strong of body and mind. You are close to your emotions - too close. You got to gym, grow veg and always, ALWAYS consider how others might feel (maybe even too much). Through a longing to be loved and your own kindness, oft you neglect personal plans and desires simply because somebody else wants to do something. That needs to stop - none has shown you the same kindness. F**K the people that you want to save; you cannot save an entire world. Focus on the people who's light and love you see and feel. Learn to control yourself and your focus. It may seem cruel, but you fully understand that death, pain, separation and negativity are a part of life. Stop thinking about death with lust, and learn to truly live first.