O Come Away

I have never written a poem this short. I hope it bodes well with you readers.

O Come Away

A poem by Walker Andreasen

 

O come away ye sleeping child,

O come away ye meek and mild.

Come to where the rivers blend,

Where demons mourn your torment’s end.

 

Dream away your heart’s content,

Dream of nothing relevant.

Let your ponders wander free,

Let your hopes live and be.

 

And when the rays of morning light,

Kiss your eyelids with day’s first light,

Let not the beauties of the night

Be tucked away deep inside.

Reviews

[BLBrown]

I love this poem. There is something soft and lilting about it as I read it out loud, listening to how the words sound, sweet and promising. This is very good. I do have a few things to review with you. If I'm going to take the time to read a poem that I like, I try to give meaningful and constructive feedback, so hopefully this does not offend.

Where you say, "Let you ponders.." I think you mean "Let your ponders..." or "Let you ponder..."

You might common case the starting "O"...it detracts for me.

You repeat the word, "light" twice in the last stanza so it feels repetitive and is distracting. "...days first light," and "morning light" mean the same thing. You might consider changing the 2nd of the two lines to something like, "Kiss your eyelids with sweet delight." Just a thought.

The last line is weak to me. This poem, these wishes, should end with a very powerful final line. Maybe something like, "Be tucked away out of sight," or "Be whisked away out of sight," or, "Be denied the day so bright."

One final suggestion, from a flow perspective, I found that inconsistent syllable count made the over piece sound a bit clunky. I struggle with this all the time. I always start with the message, which you've written beautifully here, then I add in the rhyme which you've done quite well, and finally some sort of structure to achieve better flow. The easiest here would be the same number of syllables per line...if you want to take it this far.

I have taken liberties here to suggest these changes and I hope that is ok, otherwise I do apologize. I always try to review they way I want my poems to be reviewed. My goal is always a better poem in the end!

Really lovely poem!! Keep writing!!
Barbara

[Coyote Poetry]

Dreams are a vacation from real life. Good to wander into places of beauty and fear. I like how you told the story and the very nice ending. Always sunshine if we are lucky after our dreams.
"Let not the beauties of the night
Be tucked away deep inside."
Thank you for the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Walker Andreasen]

You are most certainly welcome!

[TrinityHawk]

Very nice. I love the flow and rhythmic tic to it. great meter.

[Walker Andreasen]

Thank you!