O Come Away

I have never written a poem this short. I hope it bodes well with you readers.

O Come Away

A poem by Walker Andreasen

 

O come away ye sleeping child,

O come away ye meek and mild.

Come to where the rivers blend,

Where demons mourn your torment’s end.

 

Dream away your heart’s content,

Dream of nothing relevant.

Let your ponders wander free,

Let your hopes live and be.

 

And when the rays of morning light,

Kiss your eyelids with day’s first light,

Let not the beauties of the night

Be tucked away deep inside.

Reviews

[BLBrown]

I love this poem. There is something soft and lilting about it as I read it out loud, listening to how the words sound, sweet and promising. This is very good. I do have a few things to review with you. If I'm going to take the time to read a poem that I like, I try to give meaningful and constructive feedback, so hopefully this does not offend.

Where you say, "Let you ponders.." I think you mean "Let your ponders..." or "Let you ponder..."

You might common case the starting "O"...it detracts for me.

You repeat the word, "light" twice in the last stanza so it feels repetitive and is distracting. "...days first light," and "morning light" mean the same thing. You might consider changing the 2nd of the two lines to something like, "Kiss your eyelids with sweet delight." Just a thought.

The last line is weak to me. This poem, these wishes, should end with a very powerful final line. Maybe something like, "Be tucked away out of sight," or "Be whisked away out of sight," or, "Be denied the day so bright."

One final suggestion, from a flow perspective, I found that inconsistent syllable count made the over piece sound a bit clunky. I struggle with this all the time. I always start with the message, which you've written beautifully here, then I add in the rhyme which you've done quite well, and finally some sort of structure to achieve better flow. The easiest here would be the same number of syllables per line...if you want to take it this far.

I have taken liberties here to suggest these changes and I hope that is ok, otherwise I do apologize. I always try to review they way I want my poems to be reviewed. My goal is always a better poem in the end!

Really lovely poem!! Keep writing!!
Barbara

[C. Rose]

you ponders should be your ponders.

What was your intention behind changing the rhyming scheme in the last stanza?

Favorite idea: Where demons mourn your torment's end.

[.]

Wow, I really like this poem a lot. Your use of couplets really helped the structure of your poem, and I love how you transition from night to day. "Let not the beauties of the night be ticked away deep inside" is my favorite line. Cheers:)

-Cord

[Walker Andreasen]

I never thought that much about that transition. Thank you for letting me look at my work from a different angle! I value your comments!

[Fred]

Beautiful. I love the hope I feel reading this poem; the idea that you can find a place where you can dream of nothing relevant, and be at peace. I love this line: "Where demons mourn your torment's end" so much.

[CarlyRhymes]

I think this is probably the prettiest flowing poem I've read in a long time. Love it

[Trixolomanea]

I believe my heart just skipped a beat! Seriously, it's an amazing poem! Beautiful wording, great flow... everything! I think this could be turned into a very heartfelt, beautiful song as well, ever thought of that?

The land of dreams is captivating and beautiful (just like this poem) and one should indeed not let the beauties of the night get away...

It was a joy to read it, thank you. :)

[Walker Andreasen]

You're welcome! Thank you for liking it so much!

[Trixolomanea]

I merely expressed how I felt after reading the poem :)

[ChaoticSoul]

Very lyrical sounding (my favorite kind of poetry!) "Let not the beauties of the night / Be tucked away deep inside." -I really loved those lines because it illustrates that while the day greats us with light and beauty, we shouldn't forget the beauty that the night holds for us as well. Really enjoyed reading this!

[Serenity Faith]

A beautiful piece of poetry. I like that it has an image to it, yet with most everyone's dreams, it'll be different for everyone who reads it. I think I only caught one small grammatical error. "Let you ponders wander free"~Let your ponders wonder free? Excellent all the same ^_~

[Walker Andreasen]

Nope! I meant wander as in, "He wandered the woods." :] and thank you for your wonderful review! And that's what I was kinda shooting for was so that it was narrow enough of a subject for everyone to grasp but the reader would be able to paint their own picture!

[Bats In The Belfry]

"Where demons mourn your torments end." This line provokes a lot of sharp imagery and feeling...Gorgeous wording and sentiment.

[Walker Andreasen]

Well thank you very much BITB!

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

THe targeted mission of the words is thinly veiled, one finds themseves lost with you, well done, good read.

[Walker Andreasen]

Well thank you. I think this is one of the best reviews I've received.