How do i

As I sit this cool dark morning ,I think of how to better my life weather it be job ,letting go of life ,or just remain in a slump.but the fear of change is what holds me back. I was once a very strong out going man ,I never let things bother me I was popular(maybe in my own mind )but everyone always said I want what he has . it was life I lived life , I worked I played hard I rode motorcycles hard .what changed my life ? I ask myself daily what changed life or me ? I have a feeling it was me . I quit being who I was and changed into a better more responsible person . I was content being in a change some would say mid life crisis but whatever . I wanted more out of life than just being a dying biker I want houses money beautiful girlfriend. All this started to happen , the new girlfriend , geographical location , the change in personal appearance . all these changes I was making , I had become what I was against my whole life . I became ordanry. I became in popular, I became soft, I was now one of those guys that I said I would never become. I dressed better, I made good money, I had the beautiful girl friend,I still rode but something was missing , something wasn't right , I was lost my mind would race thinking I was not good enough for any of this ,my girl friend suffered the most . I love her with all my heart but I thought she deservered Beyer than me .and with all that was going on I shut her out sexually mentally and not being to friendly .how did I let this happen . all because I lost me , so now as I write this I think of how I find me and gain the love that I lost . you might say I was on top of the world and like stock market it crashed . so sitting here I think of changes needing to be made . I look at my past and try to grab thinks out of it that made me happy,motorcycles,friends,job,sex,love.people think the love is what I lost I agree I lost the love and passion of life.I became a robot following all guidelines not being me . the bad in this is a lot of the old me started coming out ,smoking changing back to old clothes,I started to become the old grumpy biker I didn't like.I started down that path but I don't like being that guy....you may ask why go back . I think of why my self and the old guy I was didn't feel,didn't want,and didn't care.but I struggle with that as now I have feelings and don't know how to deal with them . I lost the love of my life which I thought was my soul mate,but I have to change me to find me kind of a screwed up way to think but it's true ,so I need to look at both sides of change see what really made me happy . motorcycles always released stress,sex released stress ,having a beautiful girl friend made me feel good , smoking
Sucks , so that has to go.I thought of having a drink of some sort to relax my mind. But I haven't yet. I think about going out on a search for a new girlfriend,but I don't .so I sit here and write my thoughts down to releave some of the stress . thinking of how to change......