Babies and Their TRUE Intentions

Mostly written in good humour.

When I had my birthday party, I was 3.125 years old. It was the first time I looked at my parents and said, “What the hell, guys? My birthday was .125 years ago!” Clearly I was destined for greatness if I put my age in decimals and not in months like every other normal baby on my block. I was also destined to be a spoiled brat if I was telling my parents that they should’ve worshipped me .125 years ago (however many months or weeks that is).

                I was relieved to find out that I was actually one of the nicer kids from the 90s generation. Kids these days have their first words be things like “No” and “B***h, please” (aka my 2 year old niece). They also have a very…self centered attitude about them. When they want breasts, they pull down their mom’s shirt during a family trip to a restaurant (as hilarious as it was to see countless guy’s mouths drop because they thought the mom flashed them on purpose). When they want to go somewhere, the crap their pants and drop on the ground crying because they think life’s unfair. Parents think teenage hood is bad, but adolescence is just a baby rebellion with words and the master level of rolling eyes and sarcasm.

                But it’s just babies doing baby stuff, right? WRONG! Babies are diabolical geniuses who have an agenda to take over your life and have the people that had them, serve them. Family Guy’s Stewie Griffin may have been for fun and laughs but they weren’t far off from the truth creating that type of character. No matter what you do or say, they’re never satisfied and they end up punishing you with an overloaded diaper that would qualify for “most impressive” in any guy’s book.

                However the genius is obvious when they’re tired or happy with what’s going on around them. They play their ultimate card. The CUTE card! They walk up and hug you, laugh, allow you to hold them to fall asleep in your arms. My niece, for example, will kiss you on the lips if she’s in a good mood.

                But baby’s aren’t afraid to negotiate neither. I’ve seen it happen. My 2 year old niece didn’t want her dad to hold her, she wanted to walk upstairs by herself. So she negotiated. She cried and kissed him at the same time to show her displeasure and her way of giving her “captor” what she wanted… genius.

Reviews

[Theophanes]

Babies are what their parents make them - to an extent. They're still going to be oozing germs from every orifice despite their personality. Personally I don't even like to be in the room with a baby until they're old enough to do something more impressive than sit in their own poop but whatever. Motherhood never beckoned me... but I a child of the 90's so its all good. Thanks for the laugh.