Christmas Eve

This story is based on the poem I wrote "The Dream That Never Was"... it's a little different outcome

   I sat in the driver’s seat of my small car in an empty parking lot facing the town Christmas Tree with its colored lights shining the best it could through the snowfall. Hands were on the wheel, every muscle in my body tense. It was early in the morning, and the snow had been falling for what seemed like hours now. The ground was covered, and the town seemed almost abandoned. Almost like they were waiting for the roads to clear. I was stuck there because my house was on top of a hill which my small car could not climb in these conditions. I should've been furious but I found myself distracted.

     I looked at the folded piece of paper in my hand and sighed, putting it deep into my pocket. Slowly, I got out of the car and made my way through the foot of snow towards the tree. A few feet away from the tree was a gazebo with its rail lit like the lights hugging the Christmas tree in front of it, almost like it was welcoming me to take shelter. I took the bait, sat down on the stone steps and laid my arms across my knees. I stared absentmindedly at the ground, before I closed my eyes to the touch of a snowflake on the back of my neck.

            My mind started drifting to everything that was worrying me. As I was going down the list of troubles, my heart started to race against my chest causing me to feel restless. I slowly made circles around the Christmas tree, whispering my troubles to the tree.

            “Ian?” I heard a voice say. I turned to see who called my name. No one was there.

            “Ian.” A soft voice spoke from around the tree.

            I ran around the tree to see who called my name but no one was there.

            “What’s wrong, Ian?” It asked from around the tree again. I took a step back and took a deep breath. Silently, I rubbed my head thinking it was all in my head.

            “Ian.” This voice was close by and I turned my head towards the gazebo. There, standing on the steps, was the last person I wanted to see. The one I loved.

            “Sarah?” I squinted my eyes slightly to make sure I was actually seeing who I thought I was.

“Hello, Ian.” She gave me an almost tired smile.

“What are you doing here, Sarah?” I didn't mean to make it sound like I was repulsed to see her, because I wanted to hold her when I saw her. But the shock of seeing her threw me off.

            “Well,” she looked down at her black high heels, and for a moment all I saw was her long brown hair.” I wanted to talk to you about the present you gave me.” She finally looked up, and I could see that she was holding a piece of paper in her hand. I padded my pockets to see if the letter was still in there. It wasn't.

            I walked up the steps past her, trying my best not to look at her or the paper. ”All right. What is it?” My head started racing again and walking wasn't helping. I leaned against the rail on the far side of the gazebo across from her.

            She stood still on the top step fidgeting with her hands, her eyes following me as I moved. ”I wanted to thank you for the recipe journal, it was really sweet of you. But I wanted to talk about the letter you left in the Christmas card.”

            It was my turn to look at her. She stared back with a sort of fragile back briefly and then started pacing around the gazebo as I stood silently in the middle.

            “What about it?” I asked softly, trying not to panic.

            “Well, it was touching.” She went silent and stared at her feet again. I noticed that she bit her bottom lip and I felt hot. She always did that when she was deep in thought. The only thing lighted was the Christmas tree and the lighting on the rails. Everything else was pitch black.

            “In the letter you said you were afraid to fall deeper into this relationship. Why?” She asked suddenly. There was a part of the letter about how I was scared to death to touch her or even be near her, because I didn't want to fall deeper in love than I already had. If that was even possible.

            “Well… I’m trying to get rid of this feeling, Sarah, not encourage it. I think we both know where I’ll end up if we continue this.” I mumbled.

            “But why?” she asked.

            “Because I can't keep up with all these emotions I'm feeling towards you. It's complicated. It's new. And I don't even know how you feel about me.” It was frustrating that I was struggling to find the right words to express how I felt. So it wasn't surprising to me that she was having a hard time figuring it out because I was, too.

”It's like every time we hang out, all you really want is to hear me complain about my own problems and crisis.” I was having a hard time holding in a tear.” I want to know how you feel, what your thoughts are. I think it’s why I tried stepping away from our friendship, and why I try to ignore you. It’s because I’m unsure about your feelings.”

“Oh, Ian,” was all she said. She slowly approached me in the middle of the gazebo and wrapped her arms around me neck. One second, I was angry, next my lips were locked with her’s. Time froze, snow stopped in the air. The world that I wanted to wash away so badly simply faded in the background.  All my troubles and problems that laid on my shoulders were seemed to melt in the heart of that kiss.

            Our lips parted and she gently touched my cheek. We spent what seemed like forever just staring, silently into each others eyes. Just looking into her eyes, I could see all the words she wanted to say to me and I knew the answers to all the questions I was obsessing over for the longest time.
”Merry Christmas, Ian. Hopefully I'll see you later tonight and I'll tell you everything.” She touched my chest and took a step back before turning and vanishing into the snowfall.

            I backed up slowly and leaned against one of the rails of the gazebo. I gently touched my lips with my trembling hands and smiled to myself. All my doubts about her melted in the heat of that kiss.  I closed my eyes.

            “Ian? Ian!” I heard another voice calling in the distance. My eyes remained closed as it spoke softly. I tried my best to ignore it. I just wanted to stay there and relive that kiss in my head for the rest of the day, until I saw her again.

            “Ian, wake up!”

           My eyes shot open and I realized, after a groggy second, that I was lying down on my bed in my room. I looked around to find my baby niece bouncing up and down with the help of two hands. A head appeared behind her.

            “Morning, Bro. Annabelle was just so excited for her first Christmas that she wanted to come wake you up.” It was my brother, Derek.

            I looked groggily at Annabelle who wore a confused expression on her face.  She looked at me as if to tell me “just get up, maybe he’ll stop bouncing me around.”

            After a good morning kiss to Annabelle and a few jokes with my brother, they left the room. I sat on the edge of my bed with my eyes shut. D****t, it was a dream. I gently punched myself in the head and got up. I walked over to my desk where the calendar and cell phone laid.

            I saw that it was Christmas Eve and made a face. I looked over toward my door and listened to make sure they were not in ear shot. I shook my head slowly and then clicked the 'OK' button on my phone and saw I had a text. I flipped open my phone and didn't recognize the number. I clicked 'OK' to read to message and it read:
 
"Meet me by the gazebo before the candle - lighting tonight. --Sarah"
 
I gently placed the phone down and looked out the window towards the snowfall and felt a warmth inside of me. Maybe it could be more than a dream. Maybe there was a slim chance that the dream I missed already, would become reality.

As I looked away from the snowfall, I heard Sarah's voice in the back of my head softly echoing "Why are you afraid to fall deeper?" I sat down slowly and looked at the ground.

For a minute, I was silent, pondering about how to answer that question. I looked around me hoping to find an answer is somewhere in my room. There were none. That was when I remembered the letter I had in my dream. I grabbed the Christmas card that I had picked out to give her from earlier in the week and sat it down next to me at my desk. I opened the envelope that was on top and decided to reread it. It reads as follows:

Dear Sarah,

I want you to know that it kills me to have to do this. To make this decision has been haunting me every second but it was going to happen and now it has. I have no choice. First, I need you to understand what I did. It may seem like a sudden and unreasonable thing to do. On the surface, you’d be right. But underneath my skin, inside my skull, there’s something going on that I don’t understand. It’s like my depression with my father, but the feeling is different. It’s not your fault, there’s no way I could blame you for any of this. But it wasn’t mine. I didn’t ask to be tortured this way and I wanted to get rid of this feeling.

A little under a year ago, we talked via instant message on Facebook. What we talked about is still unclear but I remember a piece of the conversation that still haunts me.” Let me be there for you.” You said.” Only if you let me be there for you.” I replied. Of course, to me, this was a promise and I am not one to give up on promise… or at least try not to. But it’s been almost a year since that day and I can’t continue living that dead promise. It only existed when the words were typed and then faded into the air afterward. It’s something I tried to deny and think that maybe I can still help her. Hmph, trust is: I can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved… not by me anyways. You’ve come to the conclusion that you wanted a kid and you wanted culinary school. That’s great, you didn’t need me for that. Which also lead me to make this decision.

  As for saving me, I strictly believe I’ll be fine to a certain extent. I’ll never be 100% but I’m making this decision to see if I can become a little bit closer to that. I know, I have trust issues. But I’ve been honest with you with everything in my life, yet I feel like I’ve been cheated. The voices in my head, the things I feel crawling beneath my skin, almost taunting me. Whispers, nothing more. But what about that time Kenny supposedly ‘bugged you for sexual favors’? Was that even real? Kenny has been there for me and I did talk to him about it and had a different side to the story. Contradicted what you said.

 

And of course, let’s not forget your problem of running away. I’m demanding to meet you as soon as possible because I know full well you’ll run away again. The question is always when. You said you’d be here a while then you’ll leave suddenly. Nothing new and I’ve accepted that. But I’m not taking responsibility for being the only one of us two to contact one another. It seems I always have to. Even then I won’t get replies.

 

This isn’t to piss you off or to make you sad or frustrated. It’s for me to recap what I’ve been through with you for the past year and a half I’ve known you. I want to trust you…hell, I need to trust you. But I don’t know why I have to. Or even how I could when you’ve given so many reasons not to trust you.

 

Before I saw you last Sunday, problems or issues started emerging before me and my shoulders felt heavy. But when I think about it, I usually see you around the time I really have a crisis, and you just melt it away without really realizing it. The consequence of this? The anxiousness, the depression, the neediness to see you again. It seems that you’re the only person in the world I even want anything to do with. Even with my family I could just drop my things and walk away. But you? It’s like I can’t get enough of your stories, your smile, your laugh, your face. I fear it has turned into a sick obsession because I haven’t focused all week. I don’t want the girls at my school who are shallow, I don’t want any of that. But when I reflect on who you are… and the stories you tell. It’s like you’re just like them, when you’re not literally running away, you’re dancing and drinking to get away from problems. You go hardcore with your parties because you forget. But it’s based on what you tell me, so it’s just a guess.

 

I often question myself. What is it about this girl that’s got me hooked? Is it the hair, the eyes, the smile, the personality, or maybe it’s how deep her personality is when she looks so much like a flawless goddess on the surface. I’ve never answered that question. But I’m addicted to it. With this decision, I’m hoping to break away from that addiction. Of course, I won’t lie to you and say I won’t cry or feel shattered for days. It’s something I’m not looking forward to. But the heartache and the desires are just too much for me to handle right now. I can’t be friends with someone like you, Sarah. I’ve tried so hard to keep you from my mind while you’re gone away but it’s hard. I’ve tried to forget the first time I saw you look shyly down at the table as a stranger.

 

This decision is an attempt to try and break my obsession. I know it’s not love, it can’t be. If it is, then I don’t want love in this lifetime. When I think of you, it’s like I don’t want to do the things I want to do with my life. I just want to be nearby so when you stumble I’ll be there. It’s only dreams, always will be. With my head in the clouds, I’ll continue with life with a heavy heart. Tomorrow, you’ll hum to yourself happily as if this never happened. I am but one kid in your eyes out of the endless friends and guys in your life. But you’ve never realized or taken seriously the fact that you were my top priority. To realize this just causes too much pain. I'm just afraid to fall deeper when I know that you'll never fully understand my feelings for you so here's my final poem to you that I hope you enjoy.

 

Goodbye. I hope you meet that right guy and I hope you have a very happy, loving life.

Love,

Ian

I put down the letter and sighed. I didn't remember writing it so harshly but every word was true. It felt like my heart strings are always being pulled in every which direction when I'm around her. I put the letter to the side and picked up a pen to write my final and last poem to her:

I was someone you use to know

Now I’m someone you never knew

Heart bleeds

Defenses crumble

I will not let this happen now

 

I remember when you said you needed to go

Now it seems you’re already gone

Heart melts

Body trembles

I cannot show how fragile I am

 

Words can’t describe what you do to me

Now it’s a story of what never did

Heart breaks

Tears fly

The Romeo & Juliet story that never was

 

I feel warm when I listen to you speak

But now it seems the truth was never spoke

Heart shakes in fear

Emotions uncontrollable

Is this how love must be?

 

I feel cold when I see you

I never could describe what I saw

Heart freezes

Defenses build

I hate love

 

I love you

I loved you

Heart turns to stone

Emotion stands still

I will not let you know I still do

 

I wanted to save you

But it seems you saved yourself

Heart stops beating

Numbness fills

All my desires turn to dust and fly away

 

I thought you would be easy to talk to

But I guess we never talked

Mind fades

Depression starts

I will not tell you what I want for Christmas

 

Because all I want for Christmas

Is a little love and more truth

Heart fills with hope

Then fades away

It’s impossible to have your love

Things were so much simpler when I was dreaming of everything coming together and kissing her lips. Now it just felt like it was on the fast train in the opposite direction but I didn't really have much choice. All I could do was cross my fingers and do my best to in one last attempt to keep my sanity and her.

Author's Note

I put in my story "Letter To End A Hopeless Friendship" and the poem "Someone You Use To Know". Both of those works are affiliated with this story and I figured I would try to combine it all.

Reviews

[Jazique]

The descriptions, the love, feelings, and joy of it was was magnificent. It really did all in all seem like a dream and somehow lead him to what he fears most. I must say wonderful job and hope to see more of very much interesting stories.

[Cafe Reader]

Nicely written!

[Closed Account]

This is great, Dakota. The way you described the dream made it seem so real...
Great job!!(:

[Zachary_James]

Great

[Norma M Sutton]

It is a interesting version.