Letter to End A Hopeless Friendship

This is the letter I'll be sending out to my ex-friend. Sorry to her, but it hurts too much.

I want you to know that it kills me to have to do this. To make this decision has been haunting me every second but it was going to happen and now it has. I have no choice. First, I need you to understand what I did. It may seem like a sudden and unreasonable thing to do. On the surface, you’d be right. But underneath my skin, inside my skull, there’s something going on that I don’t understand. It’s like my depression with my father, but the feeling is different. It’s not your fault, there’s no way I could blame you for any of this. But it wasn’t mine. I didn’t ask to be tortured this way and I wanted to get rid of this feeling.

 

A little under a year ago, we talked via instant message on Facebook. What we talked about is still unclear but I remember a piece of the conversation that still haunts me.” Let me be there for you.” You said.” Only if you let me be there for you.” I replied. Of course, to me, this was a promise and I am not one to give up on promise… or at least try not to. But it’s been almost a year since that day and I can’t continue living that dead promise. It only existed when the words were typed and then faded into the air right afterwards. It’s something I tried to deny and think that maybe I can still help her. Hmph, trust is: I can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved… not by me anyways. You’ve come to the conclusion that you wanted a kid and you wanted culinary school. That’s great, you didn’t need me for that. Which also lead me to make this decision.

 

As for saving me, I strictly believe I’ll be fine to a certain extent. I’ll never be 100% but I’m making this decision to see if I can become a little bit closer to that. I know, I have trust issues. But I’ve been honest with you with everything in my life, yet I feel like I’ve been cheated. The voices in my head, the things I feel crawling beneath my skin, almost taunting me. Whispers, nothing more. But what about that time Kenny supposedly ‘bugged you for sexual favors’? Was that even real? Kenny has been there for me and I did talk to him about it and had a different side to the story. Contradicted what you said.

 

And of course, let’s not forget your problem of running away. I’m demanding to meet you as soon as possible because I know full well you’ll run away again. The question is always when. You said you’d be here a while then you’ll leave suddenly. Nothing new and I’ve accepted that. But I’m not taking responsibility for being the only one of us two to contact one another. It seems I always have to. Even then I won’t get replies.

 

This isn’t to piss you off or to make you sad or frustrated. It’s for me to recap what I’ve been through with you for the past year and a half I’ve known you. I want to trust you…f**k, I need to trust you. But I don’t know why I have to. Or even how I could when you’ve given so many reasons not to trust you.

 

Before I saw you last Sunday, problems or issues started emerging before me and my shoulders felt heavy. But when I think about it, I usually see you around the time I really have a crisis, and you just melt it away without really realizing it. The consequence of this? The anxiousness, the depression, the neediness to see you again. It seems that you’re the only person in the world I even want anything to do with. Even with my family I could just drop my things and walk away. But you? It’s like I can’t get enough of your stories, your smile, your laugh, your face. I fear it has turned into a sick obsession because I haven’t focused all f*****g week. I don’t want the girls at my school who are shallow, I don’t any of that. But when I reflect on who you are… and the stories you tell. It’s like you’re just like them, when you’re not literally running away, you’re dancing and drinking to get away from problems. You go hardcore with your parties because you forget. But it’s based on what you tell me, so it’s just a thesis.

 

I often question myself. What is it about this girl that’s got me hooked? Is it the hair, the eyes, the smile, the personality, or maybe it’s how deep her personality is when she looks so much like a flawless goddess on the surface. I’ve never answered that question. But I’m addicted to it. With this decision, I’m hoping to break away from that addiction. Of course, I won’t lie to you and say I won’t cry or feel shattered for days. It’s something I’m not looking forward to. But the heartache and the desires are just too much for me to handle right now. I can’t be friends with someone like you, Sarah. I’ve tried so hard to keep you from my mind while you’re gone away but it’s hard. I’ve tried to forget the first time I saw you look shyly down at the table as we discussed our summer play.

 

This decision to an attempt to try and break my obsession. I know it’s not love, it can’t be. If it is, then I don’t want love in this lifetime. When I think of you, it’s like I don’t want to do the things I want to do with my life. I just want to be nearby so when you stumble I’ll be there. It’s only dreams, always will be. With my head in the clouds, I’ll continue with life with a heavy heart. Tomorrow, you’ll hum to yourself happily as if this never happened. I am but one kid in your eyes out of the endless friends and guys in your life. But you’ve never realized or taken seriously the fact that you were my top priority. To realize this just causes too much pain.

 

Goodbye. I hope you meet that right guy and I hope you have a very happy, loving life.

Reviews

[GrownUpTime]

beautiful and kinda heartbreaking. a person must be tuly heartless to make someone like you feel that way:/

[Closed Account]

Aww, Dakota. I remember what you told me about her, and how sad you were about it all.
I really hope everything gets better for ya :/