I Love You (part 2)

This is another part to I Love You poem I made a while ago.

As God's tears rain down on me
I look down, too, and cry reluctantly
I lose feelings and fall to my knees
And I screamed, Oh did I scream
Wanting to wake up from this treacherous dream

My lungs are straining
My heart is aching
Keep it together
You can go on without her

Oh God, I see
An open field with just you and me
Your sweet cherry flavored lips
Playing in my head like a movie clip

Give me a moment, give me a day
Give me a chance to have you stay
I need you here
I want you near
To be right here to catch your tears
Every lie, every fake drop
It's like a spell I can't stop

Reviews

[Doug Jenkins]

Ian,

Hi, I'm new here, and I 'm not sure how deep you might want to go in a critique,so I'll be brief:

I feel the pain of your words, and feel for your loss. In this, it is poetic.
First, I would suggest keeping a closer eye on the meter and flow of your lines. Second, I think couplets run together are too much. Alternating the rhymes makes for a more powerful piece. Also, while the use of rhyme is, in my opinion, the best type of poetry, rhyming is also the most difficult to remain natural in reading, that is, that the rhythm of the lines flows naturally without pausing to allow for the rhyme.

[stars are far]

really nice .....