I Wonder

This is pretty much my situation, and personally I thought it was ok. But, again, this is for my readers who read this and can relate to it.

I wonder if you’ll ever know

Through the thick dark clouds

That I have a heart I want to show

Screaming for you love aloud

 

I wonder if you see

That beyond my thickness

There’s a fragile me

Swimming in a sea of sadness

 

I wonder if you could tell

That I’m not who I appear to be

That I can’t help put my heart up for sell

And the price I pay is costly

 

I wonder if it’s obvious

That I’m fading

But I bet you could care less

That my heart is aching

 

I wonder if you care

That I love you

And your pain I will bare

Along with your hate too

 

I wonder if you’ll ever find out

That I’ll be here after I’m gone

My love you’ll never be without

I promise you, I won’t do you wrong

 

I wonder if might hear

That you caused my pain

But for you, I’m still here

I know I have nothing to gain

I wonder if you see what I see

When I look into your brown eyes

The swinging of your brown hair paralyzing me

In the end, it's my demise

Reviews

[Jazique]

Flawless to the grammar & spelling. Writing wise it was magnificent. I really enjoyed it and I relate to in so many ways as I wonder every thought and if to let you in, In the end, it's my demise. Wonderful writing.

[Shalini Dinesh]

Well written, enjoyed reading it..

[Chilson, Joshua]

In the first stanza "screaming for you love aloud" try using "your". Third stanza, third line endnig with "Sell" try "sale". Seventh stanza I think you meant "I wonder if you might hear".

I must say that I really enjoyed this as well, your poetry come's from life experience and that is what I like to read.

[OkieWonKenokie]

Beautiful! I can relate to this other than the last stanza. I love the last stanza with the description of who you're talking about. Lovely!

[Ian Faraway]

I fixed a few of the grammar errors but I'm not good at it, I added another stanza to add to imagery of who I'm talking about, hope it's better!

[Skye Fields]

Straight from the heart. I love and admire that in a poem. The line "That I'll be here after I'm gone," is exotic and powerful, really lends a paranormal edge to the piece that bumps its beauty up several points. I hope you didn't mean, "I'll be here after YOU'RE gone," because I don't think that would be as good!

For readability, I'd suggest left-justifying instead of centering. It's easier on the eyes. You also have some minor grammatical errors, which are slightly irksome to the reader, so consider revising. Presentation is almost as important as context--don't overlook it!

You have a lot of powerful emotion here. I'd advise grounding it with concrete detail. Keep your metaphors ("thick dark clouds," "sea of sadness") but you can add a new dimension by bringing in elements of the physical world. Setting description is a good tool, in this case. I'd also like to see a description of the person this is addressed to. This poem is already strong; bulk it up with some vivid imagery.

Best,

Skye

[dreamer :)]

This is really good and really sad! Like Bella said, it's so easy to relate to it's pathetic! Thanks! :)

[Closed Account]

Awww, this is so sad! I like it, though. I can definitely relate to this.
Great job, Dakota!(: