Insomnia

A lot on my mind tonight, I guess. Advice or thoughts on all this is fine.

    Insomnia seems to be a bad habit for me lately. Almost two solid days without a ounce a sleep and if I let myself, I could go another day without sleeping. I don't have the energy to do anything but I can't sleep. I wish I could say it was for good reason but, if I were to be honest for once in my life, I can't. I don't know what's running through my head or what's keeping me up at night. All I know is that something's off and it's effecting everything around me.

    Maybe it's the TV Shows I watch such as Bones, Arrow, White Collar, or Castle. Shows that seems to lodge itself into my brain and refuses to leave. It shows aspects of me I wish I could change. To sacrifice something for a purpose or for a greater good. I feel like that's such a dormant trait inside of me that I'll never be able to access it. All I've sacrificed so far is the opportunity to grow so I could be 'comfortable' and live without responsibility. I wish I was a better writer so I could express my feelings and imagination with the world. I wish I was skilled physically so I was able to have the strength and stamina to protect the ones I love and do what is right but clever enough to do what is necessary without violence or confrontation. Maybe I could sleep if I wasn't who I am right now or if I knew I was changing into that person. But I'm not. I go along with my day and sit comfortably in my room watching Netflix just wishing upon a star because this isn't a TV Show. I don't know where to start, how to do it, or who would help me. Not my family. Not my friends. Just me and my almost tortured soul.

    Maybe it's the question of the unknown. I don't know where I'm going or where I want to go. On the one hand I have to face the inevitable fact that maybe I won't be able to get back into the military. But do I even want to? I've already proven what a coward I am. If I was to do that then I would want to work in the FBI as a special agent. Protect people. Of course this falls back to this previous paragraph and the fact that I have yet to figure out how to change. But no matter how I look at the future, all I see is a huge question mark and the fear that I'll end up as a failure or as some people in my family looming over my head.

    Maybe it's my failures in my past that aren't allowing me to take risks and that's why I'm having trouble sleeping.

    Maybe I'm afraid of who I could be or who I might end up as if I fail.

    Or maybe I'm just some lazy person who can't find the motivation to do what is necessary.

    Maybe I'm not who I want to be and can never be.

    Maybe.