Monday, June 17th

A journal entry on self reflection on what was and how its affecting what I want now.

    I've been in bed for almost an hour trying to get just a little more sleep. My eyes are heavy as well as my body from being up for over 24 hours. But I can't fall asleep. My mind is racing too much.

    I'm thinking about the military and why I even want to do it. Why do I want to go through so much hell for something I may or may not want? I love this country and my excuse is that I want to become a fighter... a protector... to not be scared. But I can't shake this feeling that there's something more to it.

    Then my mind turned over to when I was a boy and I was driven home from school by a lady cop at the school and a guidance counsellor. I vaguely remember being so happy that someone actually cared about me was sitting in my house despite the circumstances that it was their job and they were worried that I might do something stupid to harm myself. I believe they spoke with my father for a few minutes about their concerns and left. But looking back on that moment, I realize how socially isolated I was and how socially awkward and alone I am today.

    I was 13 and I got so excited over a negative situation and attention. It was because I didn't have many friends and the ones I did have I barely spoke to at school because of different classes. It didn't help that my school was full of violent kids who think they have to prove something by being "more thug" and looking down on the smart kid. I was either bullied by them or just left alone. Alone meaning that I was almost invisible.

    It made me so emotionally detached from everything and everyone. I left that school and moved in a blink of an eye without telling my two closest friends, one of whom I fell in love with. I left them both without telling them what was happening and I didn't give them a second thought. My excuse was that they probably wouldn't notice or even care that I was gone. And I regret that. I regret not telling them and trying to stay in touch with them for so long and I regret not telling my closest friend how I felt about her.

    On top of that, I left behind so many missed opportunities that were by my feet and I could've taken them all and be someone great. From everything and everyone and I made myself believe that it was the responsible and mature thing to do. But was it? If I stayed, would I have found a way to push through depression and be someone great? Would I have gotten to be with my first love? Is all this the reason I want to be a military man? Because part of me just so desperately wants to be great? That little kid who was at the door of something great now an average teen lost in the shadow of what he use to be.

    I'm just so damn conflicted on who I am and who I'm meant to be. I can't accept being normal or average as who I'm supposed to be. But what if that's who I'm meant to be? How do I accept the loss for what once was? The potential that was lost to depression and my need for attention, be it negative or positive.

Reviews

[shallimarRose]

I found this both sobering and reflective.. I could relate to much of it as I too was (or felt) invisible as a young person and teen. You are a good writer from what I see so far.... perhaps a poet is what you are and was meant to be. Never stop writing down what you are feeling for this is what makes a writer/poet great. enjoyed.. thank you, shallimarRose