Confession of a Serial Killer

This was a writing prompt. "You find out that your significant other is a serial killer." I decided I'd take the high road and add some dark humor.

“Hey, honey. Can I talk to you about something?” My girlfriend, Jessica, asked from the other end the receiver.

“Yeah. Is everything OK? Can it wait till I get back home in an hour?” I asked hearing the worry in her voice.

“Yes, that’ll be good. It’ll give me time to go over some things.” She replied with a sigh.

“Alright, I’ll be home as soon as I get off.” I hung up my cell and looked around the office at my coworkers and made sure none of my bosses saw that I was on my cell phone. I had already been written up once for using it when my grandmother died while I was at work. God damn heartless b******s.

The last hour of work seemed to drag more so than usual and I felt like I was going to slam my head straight through my desk. Thank god it was Friday.

“Hey, Jim. Could you come in tomorrow and work on some projects that need to get done before next week. Great thanks.” My immediate boss walked up and went away in a blink of an hour before I could reply that I couldn’t. Son of a b***h, not again. I slammed my pencil into the desk breaking the lead point. Sometimes I felt like slamming my boss’s head through glass... on the 17th floor...and push him out and let him fall. 

Finally after what seemed like an eternity of doodling stick figures doing stupid s**t, the clock finally arrived at 5 o’clock. Before anyone managed to gather their things, I was already out of the door walking at lightning speed towards his apartment. After j-walking and bumping into countless people, I bust through my apartment door huffing. God whoever said drinking and smoking was a bad combination was right. My calves were burning.

“Hey, my love.” Jessica’s voice came from the couch. I raised an eyebrow because she only said ‘my love’ or ‘honey’ or ‘dear’ when there was something important to talk about.

“Hey. I came as soon as I got out. What’s up? Is everything OK?” I asked sitting down next to her and touching her leg in comfort. She placed a hand on top of mine.

“Yeah, there’s just something important that I need to talk to you about. I’m just scared that you won’t like it and leave me.” She said.

“We’ve been together for almost a year and we stuck it out when you were facing assault charges for punching an old lady at Starbucks for cutting the line. I doubt anything you say is going to scare me away at this point.” I said.

She gave me a sad smile at the memory.” No regrets on that.”

“I know. Even though she was in a coma for three weeks and already had to use a cane to hold herself up.” I laughed. “ Well, one of the things I love about you is that everyone is equal in yours eyes.” She laughed in response and seemed to relax a little bit.

“Alright, here I go. Jim, my love. I’m... a serial killer.” She said looking me straight in the eyes.

“Like someone that eats a lot of cereal...” I said in confusion.

“No, silly.” She touched my cheek softly.” I kill people.”

“Oh.”

“I knew it. You don’t like me anymore.” Her face was full of sorrow.

“I wouldn’t say that, I mean... I’m a little peeved that you kept this from me and a little upset that the woman I love also love making people, you know, not alive.” I struggled to find the right words.

“I know I should’ve told you but I was scared that telling you sooner would be an automatic relationship ender. I just wanted to make sure that we were ready to take that leap into the next level of our relationship.” Her eyes were on the ground.

“Well... so how long have you been... doing this?” I asked.

“For 3 years. It’s not my fault, my last boyfriend beat up my mother and then I killed him. I liked it so I continued to kill a******s in my spare time.” She shrugged.

“Oh... well THAT’S different. You’re killing a******s instead of just innocent people.” I nodded in denial. I wasn’t exactly a ladies man and Jessica was hot. She was everything I was looking for and would never find again. I’m sure, in time, that her being a murderous sociopath would just be a bump in our relationship. “So how do you kill them?”

“Usually poison. I tried stabbing once but it was too messy and disgusting. I only stabbed because I was out of poison and the guy I stabbed was bossing around and harassing one of his employees over the cell phone.” She confessed. I reflected on this new information that she had given me. It was a lot to take in but for some reason I wasn’t really scared. She was the kindest person I knew and had a way with making things better after a long day. A chill went through my spine as some sort of arousal. I looked over. She saw that I shivered and took it as a bad sign. 

“Well I will forgive you for lying to me and killing a whole bunch of people on one condition.” I said choosing my words carefully. She looked over with a hopeful glare in her eyes. 

“ I’ll let you keep doing what you do as long as there are no more secrets AND...” I paused. “You help me kill my boss and dispose of the body.”

She let out a squeal of excitement.

“That’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me.” She jumped on top of me and started kissing my cheek and lips. “Of course I’ll help you with that. Any time you need something from me just call, baby!” Tears were forming in her eyes from the joy.

“Anything, huh? You also got to do that thing you did on my birthday.” I said trying to push my luck.

“Deal!” She said, smiling ear to ear.

“Alright, we gotta go do it now because that f****r has me working tomorrow and I want to stay home with my sociopathic girlfriend.” I said sitting up, kissing her cheek, and almost pulling her off the couch by the hand towards the door. She jumped on my back in joy and I carried her outside where the sun was setting causing the sky to turn to a sort of red. Thank god for Fridays and thank god for hot girlfriends that love me for me. The manipulation thing was only a small price to pay.

Reviews

[shallimarRose]

Oh Ian this is hysterical... When it began I thought it was going to be you the writer.. then you surprized me with a few twists and turns... In the real world the guy would haul his @ out of there before he is next .. lol... fun piece to read and i was interested the whole way.. Rose

[mattefox]

I do like this, however, I feel you should have researched more into the lives and mind's of Serial Killers in order to develop this and to enhance how realistic it is. I realise and appreciate that you were approaching this subject with regard to humour, however in my opinion, research would help a significant amount.

[Ian Faraway]

I've done the research I just couldn't really add in the humor without taking out the research. Big challenge. I might have to make it serious :( But I'll definitely go back and try again, thanks! :)