Blog #1: It's All Mental

It seems that I spend most of my days stuck in my head, seemingly lost in an array of thoughts. Most of these thoughts vary from my failures in all that I've attempted, the way I've changed from these failures, and how I will redeem myself from them. The majority of my troubles come from me trying my hardest to act like nothing is wrong. But with these failures comes changes in oneself. I haven't changed much on the inside but how I handle people and my temper with the little things have gotten worse. People mistake my behavior for narcissistic and heartless but in reality, I keep to myself and distant myself from others because I don't want to hurt them or be attached to them. I, in all modesty, care too much. Hell I even care more for people I don't know more than I care for myself. I'm more prone to do stupid things that only harm myself than I am to intentionally hurt someone else. The reason I am so "reckless" with myself is because I have no purpose. I have no obvious meaning to live or carry on. Everyone says that everyone's purpose in life is to find happiness. I don't believe it, not in my lifetime anyways. To me, happiness is simply a luxury that most can afford if they want it. I do not want it nor seek it. I only seek to redeem myself from my errors. Sadly it has become almost as an obsession. It's all mental. It's the thing that causes sleepless nights and days spent staring at a single spot on the wall.

I've spent a long time wondering why my family doesn't just pull me aside and just ask the simple question: Are you OK? But according to them, I have to make the first move because I'm unapproachable. I'm silent most of the time and I have a terrible time facially expressing my emotions which apparently makes me hard to read. I've grown tired of being the first one to reach out. If they cared enough then they'd say something. Until that day, I'll silently remain to myself, imprisoned in my mind trying to fix what cannot be repaired.

But, in honesty, I'm not all despaired over it. After a while, living in darkness is just what someone gets use to, it sort of becomes a comfort zone. I also know that I am not the only one who feels the same as I do.

Reviews

[Perri]

I used to be like that.
I was all *forever alone and totally emo* but then I got happy and was like WTF GUYS? W. T. F. JUST HAPPENED?
Don't ever say you don't need to find happiness! I'd say happiness finds you, if you wait. The waiting period blows and made me wanna go kill some people :L
Maybe lots of people, or myself, but I DIDN'T *proud*.

You can't blame people for not noticing how you are when you hide it so successfully. You have to help them help you, or not, and in that case, don't resent them.
Nobody should have to live in such a downheartened way v.v
I hope one day, life shows you the better part of it.

[Ian Faraway]

I'm not emo. That's the weird thing. I go to the gym, have some great friends. I just don't believe happiness is something I really want. I use to be all emo and really messed up, got happy and everything was great, and now I'm all 'screw happiness' because of certain events. And I don't BLAME them for not noticing because they have noticed, but the way they handle it is kinda messed up.

[Perri]

My parents got me a shrink...twice xD Which I didn't thank them for, but he was a nice enough guy.
As long as you're content, that's the main thing probably!