The Better side of My Other Self

A young man is forced to live separate lives. Torn between who he wants to be and who he has to be is slowly reducing him to nothing.

I awoke to the sound of thunder, transported from the sound of marching, back to my bed. Rain pattered against the window as I calmed myself down. It was only a dream, I reassured myself. My wife lay next to me, gently snoring.

For 8 years we’ve been together, through a lot of s**t, we’ve stuck it out. I get up quietly as so not to wake her. As I walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water, the dream remained vivid in my mind. I sipped on my water, remembering my brothers in arms that I served with. Back in 2008 I joined the US Army. I was in a bad spot at home and there really wasn’t much in my home town for me. So I joined the military under the disillusionment that it would solve most of my issues.

So that August I left for basic training finally believing I was moving on to bigger and better things. I grew up a lot in that time, I mean, I HAD to. The military forces you to. When I came back from training and my MOS School, I was a new me. Stronger, taller, and I didn’t look like a kid anymore. I started under a quartermaster company in charge of fuel supply. I met many guys and girls and we all became fast friends. In January of 2012 I left everyone behind when I got my orders for Germany.

I was so excited! I had dreamed of going to Germany since I was a kid. I had read so many books and watched numerous movies about the battles and conflicts throughout Europe and I was going to be in the center of all of that history.

I took another sip of water and hopped up onto the counter, sitting next to the sink. The army had always been an interest of mine but it had put so much strain on my personal life due to the obligations. My wife and I have been married for just over 3 years, and the army did our marriage no service. She’s grown to hate being an army spouse, but who could blame her? I missed our first two anniversaries due to mission requirements, and we barely got to celebrate our most recent one, again, due to the army. But besides the anniversaries we’ve been seperated more than we’ve been together over the last few years. Honestly, not that I minded.

I wasn’t happy anymore. She became yet another facet to my job. She became very complacent, and lazy, requiring me to pick up all the slack. It is like taking care of a child with most of what that entails.

Absentmindedly I went to take another sip and hadn’t noticed it was empty, so I got a refill and took my sip.

At the same time I didn’t want to see her hurt or sad so I did so, biting my tongue to avoid the arguments that would ensue if I didn’t. I stared out the window to the parking lot beneath our balcony.
“What would I do differently?”
I wondered to myself. How many other roads had I passed up? How many chances did I have to be truly happy?

In that moment I flashed back to being in highschool. I was a dorky scrawny kid that didn’t weigh more than a buck soaking wet. I was the kid that got shoved in lockers, probably because I was one of the few, if not the only one, who could fit I chuckled to myself. But I had a phenomenally great group of friends. So it kind of evened out.

I was interrupted mid thought when she came out blurry eyed.

“What are you doing?”
She asked, sleep still dangling in her mind

“ I was thirsty and the storm woke me, sorry if I woke you.”
I replied in a voice more sarcastic than I would have liked.

“ It’s fine, I’m going back to bed.”
And with that she slinked back to bed.

“Ok I’ll be in shortly.”

Ah yes. One of the best parts of our marriage. She claims to not be able to sleep unless I’m there. So if I can’t sleep or need to be up early now I’m held responsible for her lack of sleep. Last time I brought it up, it was a bad fight that left me sleeping in my car. But then again that’s most of our talks anymore. Any issues that are brought up end in tears.

I felt so torn. I wanted a divorce. I’ve wanted one for years, but I know it will destroy her as a person, yet another thing I will be held solely accountable for.

Some of my oldest friends warned me not to get married. They told me she was no good, and I thought I knew better than they did. So I went ahead and got married, the whole time thinking I had everything figured out. “But just look at you know old sport...” I said aloud, lost in my train of thought. I knew I should have listened. I knew when, they kept warning me, that they were looking out for me. Man did I f**k up bad this time.

I needed a cigarette so I grabbed my pack and lighter, slipped some shoes on as well as a jacket and went out onto the balcony. There was a cool summer breeze, a few clouds were scattered over an otherwise almost black sky with rain still pouring down. I lit the cancer stick and looked through the swirls of smoke that rose up and around my field of view.

The good life. That’s what I wanted when I came here. I thought fate had had enough of its cruel jokes and was finally going to deal me a decent hand. But no such luck.

It should be noted that this is a usual occurrence for me. I don’t get nearly as much sleep as I should, I usually have too much on my mind to sleep. The biggest topic that’s been in my head day in and day out, has been what to do.
I owe it to myself to be happy, but is that fair if it’s at the expense of others?

There’s two versions of me that everyone knows, and they never know both sides at the same time. Either they know the happy side, no matter how fake it is, or they know the deeper more real side. The people who know the deeper more down to earth side are few, and very far in between. But for the most part everyone sees the happy me. I like to refer to that version as my better half. I feel it’s the version people want to see.

The more real side of me I keep hidden, not out of shame, but fear. Too many times have I shown a weakness and had it turned into a joke or gets exploited.

I took a long drag of my cigarette and exhaled slowly. So many expectations, so many obligations, and so many regrets. I knew there were things I would do different and not do at all. Another long drag. But I don’t get to talk about them. Not to anyone, save maybe 2 people that I would trust with my life. And I do. But to everyone else? I can’t. They won’t and can’t understand. No matter how hard they might try. I take one last drag before flicking it away.

I went back inside and finished the last of water. After putting my cup in the sink I turned off the light and made my way back to bed. I laid my head on the pillow and tried my best to drift off to sleep until I could feel my consciousness fading away.

The mistakes I’ve made I have to live with and try to fix as many of them as I can. But one thing is for certain.
I will always portray my better half to everyone. I don’t want people to worry or think that I need taken care of. I’ve made it this far and life still goes on.
It’s my better side to my other self.
And maybe it’s better that way.

I drifted gently off to sleep, with enough inner peace to get some rest and as the last thought ran through my head,
“The better side of my other self...
I think it’s fitting....” and succumbed to sleep, I slept dreamless, ready to start the cycle again.

Author's Note

Rough draft of part of a story I haven’t touched in over a year, but want to pick it back up and finish it. There’s more in the beginning that I have written but wanted to put up this excerpt. Forgive any errors, thank you for looking and if you want to see the actual beginning please let me know!

Reviews

[Kasey Miriam]

I really hope you don't let this project fall through the cracks. It's a good story and I'd like to see it from beginning to end. It's got major potential. Keep up the good work man