Chapter 001:We meet again, my first love!

Women are usually underestimated given that they have weaker physical constitution than man. Add to that is humanity's long history of inferior treatment to woman. However, are they really that to be underestimated?

Of course you shouldn't. Because, there are times where they could burst of strength and energy comparable to man. Besides, they're more lethal than not. Because, they're weak, they're more desperate to win a fight quickly and efficiently. That's why they won't fight head on.

And many had said that women acquire this burst of strength when they're in love. They're more terrifying in fact when dominated by their emotions.

Let me tell you a very short story I once watched on TV. I kinda liked it you know. Well, the reaction of the wife amazed me.

There was a couple that tied the knot and are living their life together as a family. The wife was the domestic and sweet type. She cared and she loved her husband sincerely.

One day came where she found out that her husband has a love affair and--she let it slide at first but when it was repeated over and over again--she f*cking turned nuts.

She became violent and is even unhesitatingly willing to cut down the woman. She's driven by jealousy and anger. Although, after her fury resided down, she was overwhelmed with depression and sadness.

Seeing a normal person who's usually kind and sweet lost their mind is just a little bit amusing. When you thought they're weak but when pushed to limit and broke, they're sharper than you once thought.

Well, I am aware that the same goes with men but as I said, the effect is worse when it comes to women. But if you asked me, I am far more terrified to them.

Women are usually gentle and pacifist. They hate violence and cruelty.But love can cause them to turn 180°.

They're so complicated.

They're so irrational.

The carbon-based lifeform known as woman are full of intricate mysteries.

When they are jealous, they are someone hard to reason with. They don't listen to whatever you say and even if you give a sound and logical argument, it's good as unsaid because they will based their judgement with their feelings.

Ask them why they're angry and they're like, "I'm not angry!"

Not angry, huh?

Then don't shout!!

Please feign ignorance about that last line. No--I'm not angry. Really.

What's with this monologue?

Hum~

Well, the-woman-who-snapped-thanks-to-love scenario is happening at the moment and....

....I am the unfortunate target of that l-love.

"I-I...wanna..pee...,"I mumbled. "Um..Etto..Eli-chan, can you please unlocked this handcuffs and chains?"

Yes yes...I am.

Eli-chan my girlfriend, because of some misunderstanding, knocked me out through some sort of drugs, then kidnapping me to here and chaining me down.

My wrist and chest thusly hurts. I am handcuffed on the bed with my chest wrapped in chain.

Ugh~This is terrible.

My urinary bladder is already full as well. It feels like it's about to burst.

I wanna leak so bad damn!

"....."

She didn't reply.

She just looked at me with her bloodshot eyes. Her expression empty and blank.

Hum?

W-wha--

"E-Eli-chan..? What are you going to do with that....plastic bottle..?" I have a bad feeling about this.

"....."

"W-w-w-wait!What are you doing?!"

"Get your paw off my hips!!Ugh~ D-d-don't undress me, I'm begging you."

Crap... My chastity is in danger.

I need to do something.

"W-w-wait Eli-chan! It won't fit in there so don't--Stop! Stop!!"I shouted with all my lung power.

Oh... She stopped... She really did.

Great! I bought some time.

Now what to do.

This is the most severe type of the-woman-who-snapped-thanks-to-love scenario.

What can I even do with this..?

Reasoning won't work.

She wouldn't even lend me her ear.

Where did my kind, gentle, nonviolent pretty girlfriend went off to?

"Eli-chan...what's wrong? Why are you acting like this?" I actually know why but I asked anyway. As I said, women won't listen to you when they're in this state. So, just let them talk themselves and based my next lines with their own words.

"...."She halted.

"I am sorry for whatever I had done that angered you. L-let's talk about it please?"I pleaded.

"...."She turned back and she looked at me with the same blank expression.

"What is it that you want me to do?"I asked.

"...on't...d-don't...don't leave me please. I won't be able to take it. I..I can't."She said with a weeping voice.

Leave her, huh? I know that she's athazagoraphobic so she's scared to be abandoned.

"I w-wont. I won't."I replied.

She looked at me, "I...I...No--No..that won't do...I can't...I can't!"She shook her head while saying so.

She's not seeing me anymore I see. She is really terrified to be left alone.
No I wouldn't do it but she is anxious. Does she trust me? I know she does but she's overwhelmed by fear.

Stop thinking about that scenario Eli-chan. The more you think about it, the more scared you'll become.

"THAT WOMAN! I'LL KILL HER! I'LL KILL HER! I WANT TO KILL HER! I'LL KILL HER FOR SURE! HOW DARE SHE CHEAT ON ME?! SO THIS IS HER PLAN ALL ALONG!! HOW DARE! HOW DARE! JUST WHEN THINGS ARE GOING RIGHT!! HOW DARE YOU RUIN IT! I won't... I won't let this continue.. Just because I can't kill you doesn't mean I can't do anything about this. I won't let Mark feel something for you.. I'll do everything.. " Eli-chan clasped her head tightly and stared at me with wide eyes open which are also unblinking. But I'm sure she's not looking at me.

I am correct. It's my fault then. Well, even if it isn't mine, that's not how she will take it. It's that I made her jealous that angered her.It isn't who's at fault but it's the fact that it happened.

Even if I give a logical argument why I did it, she won't buy it because it shouldn't happen no matter what. She's scared and even if the probability of me leaving her is low, it's not zero. There's a lot of variable that could affect it. She couldn't rule it out so that's why she's terrified and she wanted to take action herself.

"This is her fault... I wouldn't need to do this if not because of her... She's such a rotten b***h... Mark.. I don't want to hurt you but I need to do this.. I don't want you to leave me... Just endure for a bit... After few months of isolation.... I'm sure you'll lose feelings for her.. I'll replace her... I'll answer all your need... I'll give you anything you want... And aren't I more useful than her? I'll do my best... Just don't leave me please... I can't take it..."She cried.

She said she will give everything she have for me. How selfish. She just wanted to be with me so she's willing to offer herself. A give-and-take relationship I see. Well, everything is like that anyway. And that's actually fine, because the best relationship in the world is mutualism.

Those who says unconditional love ask for nothing are foolish. They make it really sounds so special. It's also a give-and-take relationship if you look at it even deeper. Whatever. They're free to think what they want.

Fuu~

However did it came down to this?

Uwaah--So cliché...

Reviews

[JayG]

You didn't ask for comment, but since you’re working hard on a novel, and like all hopeful authors are not in a position to see some critical, career killing, problems….

The first is your pre-knowledge of the story, the characters, and their backstory, is getting in the way. As you write it causes you to leave out things that seem obvious to you. Then, when you read back, your mind automatically “fills in the blanks,” and it works perfectly…for you. For the reader? Not so much.

Added to that, you hear your own voice when you read, all filled with the emotion that would be there for the audience, were this a live performance. But it’s not. And the reader not only has only punctuation to tell them how to read a given line, they don’t see that until AFTER they’ve reads the line. That’s why we cannot transcribe ourselves telling the story, and, must edit from the viewpoint of the reader, not the author's chair.

Put yourself into that reader’s place and look at the opening:

• They say women are terrifying when they're in love. They can be as violent or even worst than a man once their jealousy snapped on them.

And mashed potatoes have no bones. True, but who cares? This isn’t story. Someone we don’t know is telling the reader obvious things for unknown reasons. We can’t either see or hear this person, so there’s no way to tell if it’s the storyteller simply lecturing, or the protagonist in a first person story. Neither way can work because there’s nothing in it for the reader. We’re not on the scene. that hasn't opened, we’re reading a transcription of someone unknown, talking.

• I once watched a life-story broadcasted by a certain TV program that made me grin.

So this unknown person once watched a TV program? Who cares? This isn’t a story. Someone we know nothing about is giving us a synopsis of a TV program that never actually broadcasted? Are burning to hear a comment based onon something I once watched? Of course not. But that’s exactly how much the reader is overjoyed to hear you give an overview of one piece of a a fictional program

You’ve missed the single most critical point, which is what makes people read, or turn away. E. L. Doctorow said it best with, “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

People want you to place them INTO the story—not tell them ABOUT it, second-hand. They want to be made to feel as if they're living it in real-time, as-the-protagonist. They want you to make them feel, and care, not read a storyteller’s script.

Think of yourself reading a tale of horror. Do you want the writer to explain that the protagonist felt terror? Or do you want the author to terrorize you, and make a shiver run down your spine because you feel as it it's happening to you, as-you-read? You can’t do that with an overview of fictional events, or with the book report writing skills we learn in school. It takes the skills the pros take for granted: skills you can learn; skills your teachers never mentioned as existing; skills that are emotion-based and character-centric, which is an approach to writing that no teacher ever mentioned as existing, either.

In other words, you need to do some digging into HOW fiction is written. Remember, when we read fiction we don’t see the places where the author decided to use a certain technique, as against another. You only see the result of using them. But you expect to see that, and will turn away if they’re not used. Problem is, so will our reader if we don’t use them. And that’s be best argument I know in favor of doing a bit of work to acquire those skills.

And the good news is that once you do master them, the act of writing becomes a LOT more fun.

So visit the library’s fiction-writing section. It’s filled with the views of pros in publishing, writing, and teaching. You’ll find yourself saying, “But wait…that’s so obvious. Why didn’t I see it, myself?” (That’s fun till about the tenth time.) Personally? I’d suggest Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer, which recently came out of copyright protection. It's the best I've found to date at imparting and clarifying the "nuts-and-bolts" issues of creating a scene that will sing to the reader. The address of an archive site where you can read or download it free is just below. Copy/paste the address into the URL window of any Internet page and hit Return to get there.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

I know this isn’t what you hoped to see. Who would? But since it is necessary knowledge, something the author won’t noticetill it’s pointed out, and, we can’t fix what we don’t see as a problem, I thought you’d want to know.

But whatever you do, don’t let it throw you. The problems you face are universal, because we all leave our school years believing that writing-is-writing, and that we have that covered.

If only… So dig in and give it a try. And as you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Voracity]

Thanks..that was insightful...
I know something is off but I can't pinpoint it so I just left it alone...But I realized something after reading your critique...
Thanks..