In

What do you need to do to be "in"?

Catching the signal from one of my friends, I quickly brushed the grass off my skirt, took a deep breath and walked towards where he was sitting. This was the initiation to get into their group. I wasn’t a mean person, but I was tired of feeling like the fat little new kid, alone on the school field with my lunchbox on the first day of grade 5. I wasn’t actually fat anymore, and in the last 2 years I had learned how to sneak my sandwich out of my lunchbox without anyone seeing it, but I still felt like the new kid and I was sick of it. Being a part of Tady’s group was the only way I would ever feel like I was a part of anything. But to be a part of the group, I first had to walk up to Carl and tell him he stank and that everyone thought so but no one had the guts to tell him. He didn’t really stink, but being told he did would knock his already low self-esteem badly. Carl was actually very nice and sweet and gentlemanly. He was the only kid who had walked up to me during break on that first day of school to ask if I was doing okay. We met at the church which my family joined soon after moving to this town. He really was very nice. Tall and dangly with light hair and a pale skin. I actually thought he was kind of cute looking. But he wasn’t cool enough for them. And if I ever wanted to fit in, he wasn’t allowed to be cool enough for me either.

My palms were sweaty as I sat down next to him. I kept repeating the required words in my head:”You stink, you stink, you stink...” but my throat was scratchy and dry. Slowly, he looked up from the MAD magazine he was reading and as soon as he recognised me, a shy smile lit up his face. “Hey Angela! I haven’t seen you in ages...listen to this joke, it’s...” but before he could tell me what he had just read, the words poured out of my mouth, ‘You stink, and everyone feels too bad to tell you, but actually we all laugh at you behind your back. Tell your mom to buy you some deodorant.” I had never seen someone’s facial expression change so quickly and completely before. He seemed confused and embarrassed and...there was something else. Betrayed. “Um, okay, thanks for letting me know I guess,” he stammered as he closed his MAD and awkwardly ambled away. Tady and her group laughed hysterically behind me. “Nice, Angie. Didn’t think you’d have the guts to actually do it. You’re okay,’ giggled Tady. I hated being called Angie.

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“Angie, baby, what about this weekend?” asked Craig with a suggestive smirk. His arm draped around my waist lazily, his hand rubbing against my bum every few seconds. “My parents are away this weekend. We can all drink at my house. Have some fun,” Tady shouted from under the tree where they were smoking before Maths class. I didn’t even really like drinking. I didn’t find it that amusing. And Craig was a little pushy, as far as I was concerned. He always suggested we do the strangest things to “deepen our relationship”. The previous week we had started cutting ourselves because he insisted that shared pain would teach us about true love. As I was rubbing my wrist, which still hurt, Carl walked past our smoking spot. The Student governing body office was just around the corner from there. He casually smiled at the smokers and said, “Hey Angela, how you doing?” But before I could answer, his girlfriend, Megan, appeared and captured his attention. He waved goodbye absently as the two of them disappeared towards the office. “How lame is that; being student body president. And his girlfriend’s such a prude, they haven’t even kissed yet!” exclaimed Tady and laughed loudly. I looked down at Craig’s hand on my bum and for just a moment I missed my dorky, shy grade 5 church buddy Carl. “The weekend’s gonna be great,” I said as I leaned in to kiss my boyfriend.

Reviews

[An owl on the moon]

This brought me painfully crashing back to those times when my wishes on stars were to find a place to belong.. to fit in.. to be myself and be celebrated for that, not trying to be something i'm not. Your words delve deep into what is important at the time.. and perhaps what might not be so important a few years from now..

[Cafe Reader]

Powerful, touching. Great writing!