Medieval Excerpt

This is an excerpt for a book that I am currently working on. I really enjoy working on this story and I am pleased with the progression of it. Enjoy

Even from this distance the fresh scent of burning flesh tickled my nose and twisted my stomach. An uneasy feeling dawned on me, knowing that the humans were so close to our settlement. I slapped the reins on my Gordja and gave her a slight kick of my heel. The lizard let out a low hiss and she picked up her pace.

            

The smoke was thick but my elven eyes were keen. My sight went beyond that of any human. My piercing golden gaze cut through the dark clouds, which made it easier to navigate through the dense forest. No matter how swiftly I traveled, it wasn't fast enough. My Gordja was tired from the hunting we had done earlier in the day but I pushed her harder. As we sank deeper into the forest, the heat intensified. The roaring flames became a burden but I refused to let it stop me. Before long, I exited the cluster of trees and entered the clearing where the Kindril settlement awaited.

            

Silver soldiers, encased in their plate, conducted a fierce battle with one another. The soldiers sported different crest, one of red and one of blue. I couldn't care less about the humans and their senseless war, but I refuse to allow such squabbles to be held around my people. Anger settled in my chest as my people were caught in the cross fire. The time for reasoning had long past; it was time for action.

            

I reached for my Ironwood spear, which crossed my back. The wood felt rough against my hands, but soothing regardless. Over the years I had grown accustom to wielding my father’s spear. I no longer considered the spear a weapon, rather an extension of my own body. My pointed elven ears twitched as something approached me from behind. I swung my Gordja around ready to defend myself. To my surprise the other Kindril elves, which I went hunting with, finally caught up to me. They all rode atop their olive scaled Gordjas and they all shared the same look of disbelief when they saw the devastation that had swept over our settlement. Focusing my attention back to the warring humans; I snapped the reins on my Gordja and charged to battle.

“Chastity, wait!” A voice cried.

            

It was already too late, because my fiery spirit was burning. I ignored the cries of the Kindril man and rushed forward. Using my Gordja’s momentum to my advantage; I jumped off of her back and dived onto one of the humans. Wasting little time I sank my spear deep into the human’s chest. The point of my spear instantly pierced into the human’s armor and covered me in a crimson shower. Another human raised his blade to strike me. Unfortunately for the human my Gordja had other plans. The giant lizard stood on her back legs and easily surpassed the human’s height. She clamped down on the humans shoulder with her massive fangs and, judging by the human’s screams it was painful. My Gordja then pulled the human to the ground and continued her assault.

            

Despite the chaos, I kept a calm head. As I scanned the area and spotted my target, the Seether’s tent. 

Author's Note

As usual I am always accepting comments and feedback. Enjoy

Reviews

[Francis Bernath]

Hello,
First of all I love the lead in. It catches my attention and holds it. I am also a fantasy writer and find that it is best to read genres and works similar to mine to see what others are writing about. It gives me an anchor in this never ending sea of fantasy! I'll do a list of pros and cons for you. These are just my opinions but I hope they help. :)

PROS:
- It keeps my attention. Plenty of action and description within the first few sentences to draw me in. I like that and it is always good to catch a reader's attention.
- Great idea to make the elf's mount a Gordja. Original. Giant lizards are something that I had never even considered as an option. Except dragons. But dragons are so common in fantasy. So I am glad you deviated. Great choice here.
- Lavish detailing in all of your sentences. Great description leads me to feel like I am already a part of this world.
- The plot seems like it is going to get thicker, more in depth and I like that it isn't what it seems on the surface. That is always helpful to readers.
- It seems like you combine two different worlds here. Like a medieval world and a fantasy epic like Tolkien's works. I think this combination gives your work an edge.

CONS
- Your sentences are a bit choppy. For example "It was already too late. I ignored the cries of the Kindril man and rushed forward. I used my Gordja’s momentum to my advantage. I jumped off of her back and dived onto one of the humans. I sank my spear deep into the human’s chest. " This set of sentences feels like your just rattling off a list. When I hear it in my head that is what it sounds like. Make them flow together so the reader doesn't have to stop mid-thought.
-Showered me with a crimson shower- repetitive. Reorder the words or use a synonym of the word. It will definitely engage the reader more.
-Small structural problems like the choppy sentences and some punctuation problems. But that is to be expected. I always use too many commas and unnecessary descriptions.

Great job overall. I really liked it and I'd love to read it in its entirety. I'm a huge fan of historical fiction and fantasy so combining them is definitely a good way to go. Hope this helps. Like I said, just my opinion but I do want to be constructive. :)

[Debbie Stevens]

Really good Brandon. I don't usually get into fantasy reading but you have caught my attention.

[Brandon Adams]

It really is an amazing feeling when I find someone enjoying my work, despite not being much of a fantasy reader. I can proudly say that this story id 100% completed. I'm currently editing it and if all goes to plan I should be able to have it printed later this year. This story has come a long way. This is my first book and holds a very special place in my heart. Thank you for reading this piece. Trust me it's really good.