I'LL WAIT, I RECKON

At seventy-five years old, I cannot seem to fit into the mold of “Senior Citizen.” Mentally, I get it, like the Bard said, “I have wasted time and now time doth waste me.” Like it or not I’m going to die one of these days, the last ten years was long week-end, will I finish another decade? My body is healthy with a couple of stints in my heart, a metal shoulder, and a long, steel nail from knee to ankle in my right leg. I’ve had cancer, and recovered, but my back needs serious relief. So, here I am, waiting, doing the important work of biding time, writing when I feel like it, but unable to move all the accumulated stuff I fool myself into believing I will still want to get back to. My breath comes easy, and my brain is on fire; I am not ready to die! Not afraid, just a lot of stuff to do first, I need to dance eye to eye with a woman who is the blues. I want to ride into the sunset and come back when I feel ready, and there are damp rocks to upend so I can see what crawls out.

The Quantum People are saying there is evidence the Universe is conscious, Ha, such wimps! Terrified to bite the bullet and say the word, God. He is the only sure thing I know, after all, we talk to all the time. On top of that, my own consciousness is the only evidence I have that there is anything in existence but me, God, and my dreams. It is entirely possible that I have imagined everything there is contained inside the bonebox that is my imaginary head. I believe my consciousness goes with me. How will it be when my consciousness touches God's? Will there be more besides we two? Am I made of sweet dreams and nightmares, super novas and black holes, ant hives and worms?

I’m a three time widow, and lost my perfect lover, too. Barbara left me for a man who killed her, Jaye ripped my heart out for a guy she thought had money, and Kimberly had a stroke. I was under the impression I knew what love is… Keats,’ La Belle Dame Sans Merci, she with the wild eye and light foot will burn you like fire over and over, and it will hurt all the way through. And the one I loved most, Patricia Alice, who moved into my very skin so we were one thing always falling into the well of each other’s eyes. She tumbled me into ruin when I found her, breathless on the floor. Will her consciousness be there to welcome me to the ocean of God?

But that’s not all. I am a poet and have whole words to say. I see the side of things buried on the back of the moon and in waters so deep there is no light, only the electricity of life and detritus on its way to the floor. I hear things, New Madras is due and in the news, Yellow Stone and some old volcano off the Washington coast, diseases we never knew on the rampage. 

The worst of it all is people have lost their souls because they know too much. The sum of human knowledge doubled every century until 1900, today it doubles ever twelve hours and we have given up. Thinking is painful with all that great weight of stuff pounding on our heads, and our labor is too easy in almost every profession so we cannot sleep with brains afire on top of a sedentary body and we are wasted souls, wandering around with too many places to go, and no way to get there. Maybe, when it is warm again, I will go for a walk, if my back feels better.

Reviews

[Lorry]

I hope its a long time off Vol, but wouldn't it just be typical that when you enter that "other realm" all you notice at first is a smiling dude beckoning you over and when you get there he says "now look at it all from my angle and as you look and grow accustomed to the 23 dimensions, all answers are suddenly seen and known and you find that poet or not, all you can answer is an "ahhh!" with a stupid grin on your face as wide as the Clyde! 😃
I still yo this day start sentences with "when I grow up..." and when I do I'll find that early retirement was the thing I needed to grow accustomed to being a proper senior citizen (I'm still only 56 and consider thus far to be my apprenticeship)
I'll keep bring curmudgeonly to private moments and not play to stereotypes. I'll say please and thank you and smile at others exuberance of youth, but hopefully I'll get that rocking chair I've always longed for and spend the rest of my days rocking to and fro watching the world slowly spin.
I've been waiting my whole life to be old, which isn't as stupid as it sounds, where I can dismiss anything with a simple "bleurgh" and pay it no mind until it makes me.
I wear my aches and pains with pride and look back at the adventures I've taken with fondness and when I see a mountain or munro I climbed in my youth, I shall smile and say "what the hell was I thinking", then laugh that laugh only the old can do as I double over cackling and wonder how I'm gonna un-double myself. (Hopefully Katie will be there to tut, roll her eyes and unfold me into a suitable position, as she is not allowed to die young. I know it's selfish, but she just can't!)
Them she'll just leave me to my rocking while she gets on with everything she does, like putting out fires, stopping floods from interfering in people's lives and stopping world hunger. You know, like all women do in their spare time)
I can't remember I'd I opened parentheses but felt I should close them, just in case!
😃
Finally, I agree with you. Of course the universe is conscious. Why wouldn't it be, especially if we are all connected in the myriad of ways that we are so obviously invisibly connected. It would just be lazy to leave it all to blind luck.
Now I'm not saying for one minute I know what and why and how that God fella thinks, but maybe one day I will when he finally smiles at me and becons me over to see it from his perspective and I finally get to say "ahh! I get it now!"
😃

[Vol]

Lorry, thank you for reading and giving such a thoughtful response to my latest journal entry
The very idea of a "God" who is the universe is beyond the scope of what and who we are... Like When earth was created and the seeds of life poured into the darkness and chaos, we say "In the beginning was the WORD. Which makes me think God has to be very careful about what He says because what He speaks becomes physical substance. We and paint, and make music, think our philosophies, sculpt The Pieta... but we cannot make life, or bring either matter or energy into existence. But, because he gave us free will and consciousness, it becomes our goal to somehow reconnect with our creator... been going on as long as we've been here.
If the universe is God, then everything in it is a part of that consciousness galaxies, stars, solar systems planets, dark matter, and us...
Vol

[Lorry]

Yeah. I bet he regrets saying about that first batch of weed "Holy s**t! That's good weed!"
😃

[LisaCarol]

Hi Vol - thank you for sharing this and your thoughts on the subject of death. I often wonder how others think about death, but this is a subject that is a bit difficult for most to discuss. I’m a bit younger than you at 60, but recall when I turned 50, my most nagging thought was my life was now more than half over and what was I going to do now? I let go of a lot worries and traits I’d developed that really didn’t matter (for example: obsessing over how I looked, climbing the corporate ladder, etc.). I know several people in their 90’s, so you might have a lot more time left. The things you mentioned on your bucket list seem extremely “doable”. Seize each day and do what you most enjoy. Please continue to share your writing and mentoring. It provides so much joy for me personally and seems to provide that for you too. Lastly, get your back checked and I’ll pray you’ll be feeling better soon.

[Vol]

LisaCarol,
Sometimes my mind wanders off for an adventure or two whether I've given permission or not. It finds a door, and without even knocking, opens it and walks right in. Sometimes those rooms are darker than others. it wanders around finding all kinds of nooks and crannies to explore, sometime fat chairs to sit on and wonder about it all. The Bible says for us to "Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling," a process I take very seriously and enjoy. It keeps me sane (At least I think that's what's happening.).
My back... my bane... I'm consulting at least three doctors as we speak.
Thank you for your very kind remarks, very cool indeed!
Vol

[Poetic Beauty]

I loved this tale of your life and your thoughts on God and the human race. We are definitely a messed up lot. Although where I live there are many blue collar workers that work their asses off. Long hard days. Office jobs are limited so most of who are working around here are on their feet most of the day including me. I work at a gas station and there is always something that needs done or people to be waited on.

I enjoyed your thoughts and the insight this story gives.

[Vol]

PB,
Thanks, you are too kind. I personally think figuring out what life is about is the most important human activity of all.
All labor is noble. I'm not sure, but on the list of how difficult anyone's profession might be, teaching high school English ranks. Besides class preps, a math teacher assigns 30 problems and has to look at a few numbers, mark right or wrong, and be done. When I had six classes a day with about 30 kids in each, if I assigned a two hundred fifty word essay,
I had to grade every word, every punctuation mark, and evaluate content as well... that's 45,000 words and in a timely fashion, and for most of my career nobody had computer, so I had to deal with handwriting as well... all of that to say, I still had time to explore my mind, life, the universe and everything... it is our main job, do that ane all the rest falls into place.
Vol ;-)

[Poetic Beauty]

I can’t imagine having to grade all those papers especially when they all are on the same topic.

Life is meant to be lived and explored. It’s meant to be enjoyed and find joy in mundane things like cooking and doing yoga for me

[Vol]

PB,
I like you more and more... Had I not received the liberal arts education I did, I would not have the tools to live my life in the way I do, to appreciate the symbolism in a Degas painting, the nuances of "Huckleberry Finn," the difference between Mozart and Beethoven, and that list is endless. I learned most of what I know by having to write about them in a critical, analytical, organized fashion, something I really enjoy, because my teachers and professors encouraged me to do so and showed me its value.
Vol

[xxx]

Vol! I am verklempt! I never thought I'd use that word but it's the only one to rightly describe the effect of your writing!
Read your Bible. Everything is in there.
Thank you for posting this. I feel like I really know you now.
Seems to me, God is keeping you around for a purpose. Just live and enjoy what you like.

[Vol]

Glenda,
I had to look up verklempt... I was born at a Bible college, My father and both grandfathers were pastors, and I have been a licensed minister. Nothing I said contradicts scripture. I know what the Bible says, and one of my favorite scriptures guides me, Phillipians 2:12... I take it very seriously and it is my main goal.
Vol

[xxx]

Vol, you never watched SNL? They said it all the time, lol. I never suggested you don't know the Bible. I was just saying everything we need to know in this life is in the bible. That's all I said. I even thanked you for posting. Why do Bible teachers get so rowdy? It turns off a lot of people. I do not debate the bible. I feel God "speaks" to each individual as HE wants them to get the message. He is GOD. HE CAN DO ANYTHING. Have a great day (-:

[Vol]

Glenda! Thank you!!!
I wasn't and am not offended in any way. Nor do I ever want to offend! We are just getting acquainted, and trying to communicate deeper stuff in a venue far less effective than face to face with coffee and cookies.
You are absolutely right, I wondered for a long tome what God's purpose was for my life, so deo most Christians, and the answere is obvious and right there in front of us and straight from Jesus mouth. Love God, love your neighbor, honor your parents, and live an abundant life" No guilt, no shame. So easy!
Vol

[xxx]

Thank you, Vol. I was so afraid I made you mad. I am like Paul said, The worst of sinners. I appreciate you and everything you do.

[Vol]

Glenda,
Thanks for checking back... I never get angry and it looks like you don't either, we are victims of what Jerry Springer has done to everyday discourse. People believe that ever difference of opinion requires offensive outrage. I've lost dozens of former students as friends because they do not know how to talk without becoming enraged and offended. Those of us who maintain our civility, have just gotten to the point that we expect it. I do it all the time, see it everywhere.
Vol

[xxx]

I guess there's psychology in the media to keep the people under tow. People should talk instead of getting so angry. I hope and pray we can get back to some civility, Vol.

[Vol]

Glenda,
We should go back to the simple "manners" our forebears lived by. Throughout my life I've witnessed the destruction of civil discourse beginning in the mid-nineties with the likes of Jerry Springer and that whole cultural shift when we went from statesmen politicians to Bill Clinton and his public lack of morals... Things broke then in a way we may never fix.
Vol

[xxx]

Vol, I have to agree, we've let every disagreement turn into an excuse to protest and riot and destroy. Let's try to pray for things we can't fix ourselves. Hopefully we'll learn, you think?

[Vol]

Glenda,
You know what? I have this weird thing going on I never talk about. You know how some kids have imaginary friends they have conversations with? In a similar fashion, I can feel the presence of Christ at my side all the time, and we have conversations all day long... it like I'm never not praying. There is nothing mystical or even mysterious about it, I just take Him at His word... The scripture should have been translated John 1:9 "If you continually confess your sins, I will continually forgive you." there i sno piety or humbleness or condemnation or even pats on the back. As a toddler, I was taught that He is always there, in my old age He still is.
Vol

[xxx]

Me too, Vol! There is no way we could make it through life without constantly talking and asking forgiveness. Even a thought can be a sin.

[Stella Armour]

Vol , i don't think people lose their souls because they know too much, i am ever fascinated by new technonolgy and space exploration. But my inner self is protected from being affected by the knowing of the universe.After all it is all just one energy and souls are born from and into it.
We can choose to switch off from worldly noise, we do have that inbuilt option and in my old age i both reminisce and still learn both ancient and future history ...those that have gone before i never wish back , i let them rest in peace they were part of my journey and i of theirs.

[Vol]

Stella, when I think of the souls of the masses making all the noise without spending any time to examine, to evaluate, to even understand the beauty of everything or anything at all, I get an image of a deflated balloon lying on the sidewalk.

[Stella Armour]

Some people just have limited awareness Vol, we are all wired differently ..

[Vol]

Stella,
My senior year in College, I got nervous about whether there might be some obscure, required class I may have missed, so I got out the catalog and looked. Sure enough, freshmen were required to take "Team Games and Conditioning." I had not done that. I went to my advisor and asked "Do I have to? He asked how long I'd had that catalog? I said since the beginning and his answer was "Prima Fascia evidence you knew all along you had to take that class." I had no excuse nor does anyone of normal intelligence who can read. Those with limited awareness are a different matter and are usually under someone else's care...
Vol