5'11" 145 or 5'9" 205

There was a time when my body

was a knife. I sliced through

the wind, the water and my lover

smooth as butter. My genes

are good, the Dr. says, I could

should be that way forever.

Sixty years later, I’m sitting

on his unattractive office chair

staring straight ahead,

shoulders hunched,

big round belly,

short of breath,

bald head

believing the lie that

nothing has changed;

trying for the sixth time

to deal with no tobacco.

Ten impossible pounds

times six. Yep, 205.

Stiff joints, a missing disc,

hiatal hernia, prostate in

a hospital bin, my current

cornucopia of contrary evidence

to contradict his learned

hmms, hums, and ahhs.

Absolute knowledge of the truth,

absolute ability to deny the obvious.

My sword has lost its edge, but

I AM that lusty, long-haired

kid admiring me from behind

the other side of the mirror.

I’m pissed off, ashamed,

and working out three futile

times a week, lapped over and over,

by men older than me, slumped

in the corner catching my breath.

There isn’t much I’d have changed;

of that bumpy razzmatazz, dancing

Rock-N-Roll, riding waves,

going all in when she smiled

up from her pillow…

Hack! Hack! AAACK! GAGH!

Except maybe the cigarettes.

Author's Note

I started smoking in 1968, quit for as much as ten years at one time and gave up tobacco for good in 2013. I polluted my lungs for thirty-eight years in toto... I was SO stupid!

Reviews

[Ayvid N]

I loved how candid you've been with yourself. We can be our worst critics!

We all age and we all stay in denial and yet when we come across a realistic photograph of ourselves we just have to turn our face away as the image inside doesn't coincide with the one in reality. It happened to me too, recently when someone clicked me at the Sunday Church.

The one thing is that we love ourselves and never want to age and change for the worse and still as kids inside, we have to die. Nature's cruelest curse, I guess.

So what can we do to cope with it. Perhaps, just live our best life, eat right, work out as much as we can and sleep well. Staying stress free also helps. As do a few good, solid relationships/family/friends.
Smoking ages one faster but I understand it's a personal choice and could be very difficult to give up.

In the end though, our fate is sealed. We can't escape that life cycle as the moths and bees can't.

I'm surprised so few have commented on this beautiful and original thought of yours. This place has gone to the dogs.

Kudos Vol!

[Vol]

Divya,
I am so happy to read your review. Yesterday i tried to check out your writing and there were none posted, and I grieved.
Your reviews are always deep and thoughtful, and tend to make my day... Thank you :-)
So you know, I have no fear of death at all, I have believed in panpsychism long before it had a name. The only way there could be a GOD is if the universe is God and is 1. absolutely aware of every particle of its being, 2. absolutely aware of my emotional being, 3. is absolutely aware of my spiritual status, and CARES.
The lousy bit is, after a certain age, it hurts all over, and that may be so we aren't all that unhappy to divest our mortal coils.

[Ayvid N]

And that's a very good reasoning for why it may be hurting all over, after a certain age. So we may leave with few regrets and leave our shells with relief. Even mentally, my mum who's 81 says its so difficult to get on each day even though she's fine by God's grace. She says she just feels so out of sync with everything nowadays. I just tell her to try and get over it as she's so strong.

As for God, I only am sure of one thing...there is someone watching over it all. Also, I will never be convinced I've lived only this life. There's so much I remember and feel a part of that seems to stretch way beyond what I've experienced in this life that I'm living now.

Please dont mind the absence of my posts. I'm doing something way bigger than I ever imagined and that project is taking over all my time. I hope to be back soon.

[Vol]

Divya,
This is what I got, except when I click on 'read more',nothing happens... sigh.
Vol

[John the Baptist]

The years can be unkind. Our part is to give them reason not to be.

[Dave Brown]

I can more or less mirror your scenario except that I had to quit smoking when I started back to university because I couldn't afford it any more, plus I had to sell my 'cool' machine and buy a Morris Minus convert just to afford the gas!
Had to laugh at Divya's comment about this place going to the dogs after having her 'block' me for absolutely no reason at all.
Keep swingin

[Vol]

Dave,
Some people get to die early and miss all the aches and pains.
Oh, and I I love Divya, one of the best reviewers and poets on here...
Vol

[Dave Brown]

Wow, that is wonderfully supportive which doubtless would leave her with every bit as warm and fuzzy a feeling as you were kind enough to leave me with just the other day
Your meaningful support just makes her inexplicable decision to keep me from reading her fine efforts all that much more disappointing.
However, life goes on and I am still able to enjoy the fine efforts posted by yourself and others
Take care
Dave

[Vol]

I was not there, and have no idea...

[Ken Simm.]

I know. Oh god but do I know. Thank you for putting it down so precisely. Only the details have changed. I've just started my new arthritis meds today and I'm waiting for side effects.
I mean in myself I still feel like an 18 year old.... But where am I going to find one in Argyll and in this weather.

[Vol]

Ken,
People under fifty have no idea what they are in for...Poor sods.
Vol

[Ken Simm.]

No getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Groucho Marx.

[.]

Getting older is certainly a b***h. I am no believer of a Creator but if my instincts are wrong and he does exist then he really screwed up the human prototype and left us falling into disrepair as we age.

Some things we can control and others we are just at the mercy of. Giving up the gaspers is the first way to improve your health and ensure a longer lifespan. I enjoyed the poem and its honesty. Your frustration shines forth and we can all relate even at a younger age.

[Vol]

Doodley,
Which God don't you believe in? The one the church invented? The one in the Bible? The one in the Koran? Shiva?... Quantum Physics is beginning to say the universe itself is conscious...
Vol

[.]

Any kind of ethereal being, Vol. I am more inclined to believe in science than religious mythology. So, maybe Quantum theory has some merit. If they solve the Dark Matter conundrum then any presence of a ‘God’ can be completely negated.

[Vol]

Well, it is an interesting discussion... As to god, there are really only two choices, Either ther is one, or there isn't. To choose either path requires the same amount of faith. I choose the side that offers meaning.

[Stu. T.H.]

All is fine if you are still kicking, author Vol. Congratulations on another piece.

[Vol]

Stu,
Thanks, man!
Vol