Chapter 7 (Rewrite)

Jade explores the place under the Underlow.

The insectile machination crumpled before me, its faceplate crunched in, ocular lense protruding from casing, and the internal guts of the machine sprinkling out like metallic hail. Its tentacle appendage loosened around my boot ankle.

I was falling by degrees, as the machine’s rotors kept it aloft. With not even seconds to spare, I activated my mag-belt and threw the Carbex on. Loosening the buckled, I pulled the belt for its loops, and whipped upward to the flailing tentacles as I plummeted.

There was a clang of metallurgic impact as the belt and tentacle clung together with magnetic force. Still falling, the length of tentacle and belt pulled taut with my mass pulling down. My hand struggled at maintaining a grip. 

“F**k,” I swore, shoulder on fire as made a motion to pull myself up by a fraction and failed. Taking a deep breath, I gritted my teeth and made a second attempt. I exhaled, as my fingers wrapped white knuckled on the belt buckle.

I soon surged back into a state of panic looking down, hundreds of metres below, where abandoned city streets beckoned me with notions of splattering across old pavement. I tightened my grip, and looked up at the sputtering machine. “Uhoh,” I muttered.”

The machine was smoking, and the rotors rattled as they struggled to maintain lift. The nose of the SAMS dipped, and we began plunging into an angled descent at my backside.

I flailed my legs, swinging wide with the hope that I could pivot to face the direction we were falling. And it worked to a degree. As we plummeted, I started spinning round. In moments of forward facing spin, I was able to make out that we were falling toward a building. Swinging wide in the opposition direction, I slowed my rotational speed, and leaned left into the fall, hoping to line up with a window of one of the ruinous buildings.

Approaching at an angle, I let go of the mag belt just a metre from impact, and swooped into the window. I hit the floor hard, and skidded into a forced roll. Stopping, meters beyond the portal of the window, I listened as the machine crashed into the side of the building, tumbling forward while the rotors failed, and then landed with a crash on one of the levels below.

Slow to get up, being winded and sore from the hard landing, I pushed my hands against the dirty floor. My elbows and knees ached with the impact, but able to do some quick stretches, I believed that I hadn’t done any worse than some heavy bruising.

I walked over to a window, and peered out the edge to see if I could figure out the whereabouts of the crashed SAMS. With a quick scan of the windows, I could make out a lump of it’s bulk dangling from a window two storeys below, with two appendages streaming down like jungle vines.

I then turned my attention back up, to where we had come from.A sewage tunnel, spewing liquid waste out of the column. Taking a quick whiff, I grimaced at my putrid odour. “Can’t wait for a shower,” I grinned at myself.

No time for fooling around. I looked back behind me, at the barren skeleton of a skyscraper. The doorway to a stairwell caught my attention.

Making my way two levels down in the dark mess of old concrete, eroding plaster, and exposed wires, I keyed in on the dead SAMS. Light streams of smoke were still spewing out of the fried drone. I approached cautiously, but once near, it was plainly obvious that the thing was full-on dead. 

I grabbed my mag-belt, reaffixing it round my waist, as well as the graphene dagger. Thumbing the ammo display of the Carbex, a numeric holo indicator projected the remaining ball-bearings into the air beside the gun. Seven shots remained. I stowed the gun, and grabbed the multitool clipped discretely to the belt loop at the small of my back.

Flipping out a screw driver, I made quick work removing screws off of the face plate, and strained to pry the sheet of crumpled metal off. Tossing the sheet aside, with a rattling thud on the floorboard, I started to pick apart what I could find of use in the SAMS internal guts.

Most of it was unusable, however, I was able to locate and remove an active mapping unit. I made quick work, mounting it to my wrist, and connecting it to my mobi. While the mobi-comm itself was nearly unusable, the display flickered at my tapping, and a snowy, three dimensional map popped up in a pale blue projection out of the holo-display.

“Yes!” I whispered congratulations over a quiet victory.

A clanging outside made it a short lived victory. I looked out the window, and again up at the sewage duct I had fallen out of earlier. Two figures crouched, looking over the edge, with possibly more figures hiding behind in the shadows.

Staying low to the edge of the window frame, I made sure not to be spotted, hiding in the tangle of the smashed up SAMS. I continued my watch over the pipe, as the figures pointed in my direction. I held my breath, in anticipation, and watched as one of them dropped three reflective chrome orbs.

“S**t,” I mumbled, pushing off of the wall and booking it back toward the stairwell. Swinging my chin back over my shoulder, I caught a glimpse of one of the orbs, leveling with the window. I slowed to a halt, half turning to watch what it would do next.

A wide red light flickered, and strafed the room, like radar. Completing two sweeps, the light then focused in on me, and narrowed to a fine point. 

S**t, s**t, s**t!

I turned back, heading toward the stairwell again. The whine of the little thing’s engines hummed at a high pitch behind me. I leapt into the stairwell, slamming the door shut. And the chrome orb impacted with a crunching thud.

Hands on knees, I tried at catching my breath. The sound of metal on metal, grinding brought me back out of rest. The glow of sparks trickled to the floor, shining under the crack of the door.

Leaping down three steps at a time, and palming the Carbex, I came to the next storey down. I jumped back, taking off guard, cracking my tailbone on the steps. I didn’t have time to think about the hurt, as a second chrome orb zipped into the doorway of the level I had just entered. Leveling the gun, I fired three shots at the orb. The third shot clanked on impact, and the little device dribbled to the floor.

Taking a brief reprieve to inhale, I quickly scuttled back to my feet as the sound of the door collapsing in the floor I had just come from shook me back to the moment. I shot around the stairwell, making my way down the next set of stairs, just in time to make sight of the third chrome orb zipping in where I had just shot the second.

Continuing my descent, the orbs followed at my heels. The air frizzed with static at a few near misses as the things tried to shock me into submission.

Rounding the corner at the bottom floor, I slammed the door in my wake and looked up as one of the orbs ricocheted off of the swinging metal door. The orb flew in a few concentric loops before dropping to the ground, and rolling to a halt.

The third orb appeared in the portal, hovering motionless as it computed the situation. I braced my legs, shoulder width apart and raised the gun, centring the orb in my sights. I put my finger on the trigger, and the little sphere retreated back up the stairwell. The sound of it’s whirring escape disappeared into a fading echo.

Finally. I began breathing normally again, stowed the gun, and turned to disembark on the abandoned street.

Projecting the active map, I was able to pick up the signal of the orb, as well as those stalking me. There were six of them, emitting radio-signals of some sort. That made it easy to a degree, but certainly they would have tracking gear as well. I zoomed out for a wider field of view, and a distant energy source picked up in the three dimensional map.

I focused on that area, bringing it closer into view, and could make out a craterous superstructure in the midst of broken skyscrapers and spires. That must be it, I considered, and started plodding off in that direction. I mapped out a path on the app, and kept the projection ahead of me at all times. I had to get to that crater.

Finally able to spare some attention, I started to soak in my surroundings as I walked along the abandoned street. Unlike the Underlow, the setting was relatively mundane. The streets were near empty, with only a few centuries old vehicle chassis littering the street, and almost no debris or garbage. The main force of destruction here was not human habitation, but rather, erosion. Skeletons of buildings remained with rubble crumbling off around them, while the street was heavily cracked and potholed.

Overhead, the entire old city was illuminated by massive but dim everlight. The huge structures were strung out across the ceiling in impressive lines of metallic cabling, hanging like gigantic lanterns. It was all reminiscent of string lighting used to commemorate holidays, or the faux-poverty of retro-chic business across the well-to-do quarters of Chyunda’s Quarry.

On approaching the crater, a void in the skyline became apparent. With proximity, the void grew, until all but the closest skyline of rows of towers. As my blip drew closer to the edge of the crater on the holo-map, I took stock of the six approaching blips. In a state approaching exhaustion, they were easily gaining on me.

The map display zoomed in at my tapping, providing a better survey of the near edge of the crater. Spreading my index and thumb apart by degrees, I slowly centered in on a circumference wall, with marked towers at various checkpoints.

Closer views still revealed that they were old guard towers. And strafing to where the road intersected the wall, the faint blue glow of the holo revealed a large, opened gate. Comparing the gate to the skeletal structures of nearby warehouses, I deduced it was almost three stories tall. Backing the display about a hundred metres back toward me revealed a wire fence. Where fence joined road, there was a pair of smaller gates, with a security booth in between. The two gates were also left open, similar to the much larger one further on.

As I approached the near gate, I surveyed the upcoming area by eye. The buildings behind did not go as high as the surrounding towers and spires, though, some that housed enormous bay doors, seemed to stretch on for at least a block, before being obscured by other warehouse type structures.

The buildings were also plainly styled, in such a way that gave premonitions of being military facilities before they had been abandoned. Many of them had a tinge of the same featureless sheen that I saw in my day time life as a student at the Academy -- one of Chyunda’s relatively newer military training centres.

With the Academy, then occupying my thoughts. I drifted back to the previous morning, nearly a whole day before leaving home with Erk to start on the job that would turn into this new adventure.

“I know you’re younger than most applicants for fast-tracking to the Academy,” I said, reassuring Erk. “But hey, you’re kaval. Kaval a few years ahead of humans. And they let me in at seventeen.”

“Yeah, I know Jade, but.” Erk’s head fell over, as if deflated. He groaned, and then spoke in a low tone. “My grades aren’t as good as yours were, and I’m only fifteen.”

“How about this.” I leaned over, and lifted his head up by the chin. His amber eyes sparkled, glowing back at mine, and I couldn’t help but smile with pride at what this little kaval could manage with all of the odds stacked against him. A kaval, living in human society. “I won’t send my application to fast-track the CPE program, unless you let me send yours too.”

“Hey!” he snapped with a childlike giggle. “That isn’t fair!”

“Oh, why not?”

“Well, you have a major future ahead of you, and you’re holding it hostage.”

“No, Erk,” I steadied my grin into a neutral tone, and looked at him with sincere eyes. “You have a major future ahead of it. You just can’t see what I see.”

“Maybe, I need more than the morning to decide.”

And with that, Erk had ended the conversation. He was good at arguing in that way. Where other people would want to drag it out, he would draw a line in the sand and shrug his shoulders. He made defiance look easy.

A smile forced itself to break out of the corners of my mouth. The thing is, he didn’t realize that I went ahead and sent both of the applications anyway. At six in the morning, being my father’s family, our applications would be flagged and read through immediately. By seven or eight the authorities that decide these things would already have a verdict.

And, then I was back to the present. Standing in the looming shadow of the second gate. I looked back, and thought I could make out the faint silhouettes of my stalkers. Cupping my hands over my eyes, like faux-binoculars to cancel out glare, I tried to stare for a better look.

Then, a faint screech whipped past my ear. F*****g hell, sniper. I ducked behind the far shadow of the gate’s arches, and brought up the holo-display. They looked to be picking up the pace, now that I was within eyeshot.

Moments later I gasped, as two of the red blips jumped forward at a serious leap. D****t all, jump jets, I cursed my luck, and bolted off to the edge of the crater.

Stopping short at the edge, I jumped down to a grated causeway that looked to circle the circumference, and took stock of the megastructure. There were rows and rows of power blocks, humming in electromagnetic tones, a faint backdrop sound of electricity running. The power blocks were still active, trailing cables up to dormant kinetic dampeners.

At the centre of the massive structure, hovered an enormous battleship, glinting faintly with an orange kinetic barrier. I slapped my forehead at the realization of what I had stumbled across. A retired orbital launch pad, with an abandoned warship in its centre.

I examined the layout on the map, and found there to be lengths of catwalk running high above the crater floor. Following a catwalk outward, I realized that they led to ladders which connected them to the very causeway I was standing on. 

Launching into a sprint, I made my way around the periphery until I could find one of the ladders, peeking out over the edge. Throwing both legs over the side, and onto the top rung of the ladder, I took one last look at the map.

S**t, I cursed internally. The jumping blips were approaching fast. I looked up at that moment, just in time to catch one of the jumpers clearing the crater. Before he could lock eyes on me, I slid down the ladder, and started the sprint toward the centre of the crater.

Lengths of dormant crystalline lattice creeped over the catwalk before long. At certain points in the path where they had grown the thickest, I leapt over their teal blue, and black vines were overtaking the catwalk. I stopped for a moment, looking back at the approaching stalkers. One was jumping up toward me, landing on a power block, while the other was just beginning to ascend from a jump off of the causeway.

Needing to think fast, I looked down below and jumped over the edge of the catwalk. Grabbing onto one of the crystalline vines, I slid down as it descended into a stalk-like bulk, branching off like roots at the base.

“Good thing it’s asleep,” I mumbled to myself, looking around the maze of power blocks. Cutting between several of the structures. I looked up just as the nearest pursuer jumped over the space I was running. The heavily armed man looked at me, as if in slow motion, leveled his weapon, and fired.

Boomeranging at a high velocity, an energy pulse rocketed toward me, and I narrowly jumped aside. Landing on my stomach between two more of the large power blocks, I looked back behind my heels at a sectioned chunk of crystalline lattice, and the dormant teal began to pulse. The rootlike structure glowed eerily, alternating between aquamarine and topaz blue.

Not good. I pushed myself off the ground, scurrying further from the catwalk above, zigzagging through the maze of geometric structures. At one crossway, where a larger space opened up, thick with cables until the next row of power blocks. And, where amidst the cables were a sleepy pulsing crystalline lattice roots. I made my way, crawling over the cables, and heard the whir of a second pulse.

Turning back, I made out the descending jumper, who missed me by a long shot, hitting the corner of one of the power blocks behind me. I turned my attention forward again, and climbed over the heap of cable and crystalline roots.

The next row of blocks was almost uninhabited by all but small veins of crystalline lattice. I took the opportunity to duck in the space between two rows of blocks, and figure out which direction to go next. Deciding to go right, I twisted my head in that direction while I leaned against the block. A slithering crystalline root, retracted, moving across the ground like a tentacle.

Left then, I turned around and bolted.

“Hey stop!” The jumper landed on the power block nearest me, took sight and fired. The weapon hissed, and discharged a round of fizzled static. “F*****g jamming up now!” The jumper examined his firearm, and started pounding the undercarriage.

Taking the opportunity, instead of bolting straight down the left path, I pivoted to a ninety degree turn and made my way through the wide corridor leading straight to the centre of the crater.

An energy pulse impacted in front of me at my feet, and I froze, raising my hands. “Okay okay, don’t stun me!” I spun around slowly as the jumper descended. Making his way closer, he fired his jets a few times to ease into his landing. 

I frowned and dropped my arms to my side at the sight of the jumper. “Dren?” I yelled, holding my fists to my hips in an akimbo stance.

He smirked with a coy grin, hovering just a meter off the ground.

Then the sound of rushing wind, and a noise squishing. A tubular tentacle, much like a crystalline proboscis shot out from the side and attached itself to the chest plate of Dren’s armor. He raised his gun in its direction, and began to prime for a blast. Then two more tentacles grabbed at either of his arms, and the gun fell to his side, discharging into the ground. Two more tentacles wrapped around his legs. All of them coiling tighter, until with a brief scream lasting not seconds, a huge mass of crystals leapt from between the rows of power blocks.

A maw erupted out of the crystalline mass, and closed around Dren with a crunch, leaving only a mist of crimson blood floating in the air.

Stepping back at fraction steps, slowly making a quiet escape I stared at the horrific gore. The crystalline behemoth slithered in with it’s bulk, and two enormous clawed legs found purchase on the corners of power blocks, perching overhead as the maw swallowed its meal.

A metallic clink stopped both me and the writhing beast, as if caught in a photo. I looked down at my heel, and a small length of steel tube rattled behind. Lifting my chin, as if in slow motion, my face leveled with the rotating maw of the behemoth that towered before me.

It stepped forward, perching it’s massive clawed legs on the power blocks at my left and right, and the maw quivered, drawing fractionally closer to me. Writhing, with anticipation.

It withdrew the four flaps of its jaw revealing the maw beneath. Layers of concentric shard-like teeth, dripping with blood, extended the length of its fleshy blue maw. And at the end of the rows of teeth, a hopeless black void lined with pulsing blue muscle. A churning like broken glass bellowed at a loud bass pitch, growing in intensity. Then the sound made a full stop, and the creature roared. It’s ear piercing shriek crackled over top of the chest-rumbling bass snarl.

The crystalline behemoth loomed before me, perched on its haunches, ready to eat.

Reviews

[Wathanya.5KY3]

Me: This is all so cool!
Also me: Who's Dren?
Me again but 30 seconds later: AHHHHHHH THE MACHINE IS ALIVE AND DREN'S DEAD WHOEVER HE IS

You left me hanging on a cliff again, but then again, this is chapter 7; so the story is getting intense approaching the ending.

Despite the minimum action and dialogue, this was a tantalizing chapter. It was a great blend of adventure and seeking safety with a sprinkle of action. You're getting very good at showing, especially compared with the very first draft of your first chapter. This chapter was also finished with a sentence that is beautifully crafted and vividly terrifying.

This is also quite a clean chapter. The only things I caught and had time to point out were:

1. Descending down the steps was like I making my way into the depths of a cold crypt, with the entrance way to each floor feeling like a soft-lit portal to purgatory.

- "I" seems out of place
- entrance way => entranceway

2. The ground floor was a scene of chaos borne out of some long time ago sudden relocation.

- stylistic suggestion: long time ago => long-time-ago

3. Don’t forget, you still have the gun.

- I think you meant to put this in italics

4. Maybe my dad saw something in Erk that he didn’t see in me.

- stylistic: "my" is not necessary

5. “Hey!” An amplified voice raptured from far above.

- An => an

6. “There.” I thought aloud.

- "There." => "There,"

7. As soon as they’d notice my trick, they would realize to trust the more obvious conclusion; I was heading to the void.

- stylistic suggestion: use a colon instead of a semi-colon before "I was heading to the void" because that phrase is the conclusion

8. They were all similar of a similar size and style, and according to the holo map they encircled the crater from about 100 metres distance.

- the first part of the sentence has a few extra words

9. “S**t.” I spoke aloud, watching as the two figures by the ladder propelled into the air.

- "S**t." => "S**t,"

10. I picked up the pace, to a careful jog, and criss crossed my way down, closer to the centre of the crater.

- criss crossed => criss-crossed

11. I looked off to see another crystalline tentacle suck off behind a mass of machinery, this time it was accompanied by a more threatening growl, crackling with the sound of rocks breaking.

- run-on sentence; suggestion: use semi-colon instead of comma before "this time..."

12. I looked up just as one of the stalkers passed about twenty feet above me, and shot a pulse of energy through their boots so as to hover directly above me.

- stylistic: you used "above me" twice in one sentence which makes it slightly repetitive

13. It roared, piercing my ears with a shrieking crackle above the chest rumbling bass of its snarl.

- chest rumbling => chest-rumbling(?)

-----------------

Other observations:

- inconsistency(?): in some parts*, you measured distances with meters, while in one** and in the past you use feet and centimeters

*Holding onto one end tightly, I whipped the belt around and aimed for a leg of the machine, whose bulk was already a metre above me in less than a second.

Before the device hit the ground however, it pulsed and sucked in a spherical space of about two metres radius around it.

They were all[]of a similar size and style, and according to the holo map they encircled the crater from about 100 metres distance.

**I looked up just as one of the stalkers passed about twenty feet above me, and shot a pulse of energy through their boots so as to hover directly above me.