Chapter 4 (Rewrite)

Erk tries to dig up info about Hadley.

Concussive rounds streamed through smoke above my head. My dagger was too far, even in the cover of smoke. I had to get closer to make their guns useless.

I felt the floor rumble as someone ran up to the mystery attackers. It was a well timed distraction. I used the precious time to get much closer through the blinding smokescreen. My senses were much more acute than a human’s, so even though I could not see with clarity, I could hear, smell and feel my way through with greater awareness. I slid in between a pair of bruiserly patrons who appeared to be contemplating an attack on the four men. I pushed one of them aside and a concussive blast knocked him off his feet. 

I thought an apologetic thought but used the gained opportunity as a second distraction instead. Rolling forward, I sprang up with a cartwheel, pouncing out of the smoke wall right in front of the thug with the concussive firearm. I knocked the gun aside with my palm and contorted my waist into a roundhouse kick, with my heel landing squarely on the man’s jaw. I felt something crack. That was one down, for now. I looked up at the other two thugs from Hadley’s crew, they were reaching for guns holstered inside their leather jackets. 

I sprang towards one of them, who lifted a semi-automatic railgun to point at my chest. Time slowed. I was flying toward him midair with no escape. Less than a foot between me and the barrel of his gun, I hit the switch on the buckle of my mag belt, and the gun flew out of his hand and stuck to my belt. I crashed into him, colliding in a mess of limbs. 

We rolled on the floor and he wrestled me into a submission hold, but he wasn’t quick or forceful enough. I wriggled free and battered his face with a few quick fists backed by my weight. 

I jumped off as I became aware of the third man moving to point his gun at me. It was the sound of the gun rattling while he tried to get a good shot without endangering his companion. Releasing the gun from my belt, I turned around to point it at his chest and pulled the trigger. Nothing. D****t. The gun was identity locked. Useless without the owner’s fingerprints.

The man laughed, and held up his gun from a safe distance as if to signify that he had me trapped. At this point the man with the snapped jaw was administering chems to block out the pain, and heighten his awareness. I could smell the liquid along with a squirt of blood as he pulled the syringe out of his arm. I threw the gun but grabbed the strap as it spiraled forward, and flung it around like a mace, and knocking the third man's gun by the barrel. I heard him pull the trigger but nothing happened. Interesting. Vital information. The rail guns would only fire if their intended target was in front of them. Since I heard him pull the trigger, I knew that I was the target. 

The concussive gun obviously had no such lock -- having been shot all over the room -- and I instantly became hyper aware of the first thug standing up and making a move for his weapon. I jumped back to the second attacker, who was also beginning to get up, and gave him a square kick in the temple, so as to nudge him into unconsciousness. I rolled behind him and used him as a human shield. The concussive rounds would have to take him out first, and the rail gun would not shoot with him in front of me.

I still held his gun, momentarily useless, I put the strap over my shoulder. I wasn’t going to get rid of it yet, but I needed something more useful for the time being.

“Erk, catch!” I heard Jade’s voice followed by a whirring of metal through air, and then the creaking sound of an object cutting into refab. A knife in the wall. I threw my human shield toward the man with the railgun, a concussive round followed as soon as I released him, but I was already prepared and jumping out of the line of fire. I hit the wall and pulled Jade’s knife out. It wasn’t the graphene dagger, but it would do.

I threw the knife at the thug with the concussive gun, and with the velocity of intention. It hit the mark, square below the bicep of his gun hand. His arm slumped, and I knew I had hit the tendon. Pain unaware, the chem filled man was wrestling to get the gun into his left hand while his remaining conscious partner was struggling to get out from under the knocked out thug I had tossed at him. The largest of the thugs -- Hadley -- simply stood back and watched with crossed arms.

I ran and sprang into the concussive attacker and hit him in the temple with a fist this time. He stumbled back, dropping the gun. Instinctively I grabbed it, and within moments I had pulled the energy core out of the clip and thrown it at the bar. The smell of fuel known colloquially as alcohol was my target, a pool of the stuff had gathered below bottles broken in all the commotion. The sparking core landed with a burst of flame. 

Punching the thug once more for good measure, I pulled the knife out of his arm and tucked it into my belt, also slinging his gun over my shoulder along with the semi automatic I had previously acquired.

I felt the air density change just then. I looked at the biggest man and the air around him seemed to occupy an aura of stillness. He had activated a kinetic dampener. With nothing that could penetrate the barrier save for the small graph we knife, I had to get out of there.

Bursts of flame and renewed smoke were my cover. I ran back across the room to where Jade and I were lounging moments before. I could sense panic throughout the room. The tension of anxiety to do something quick flowed into my veins. I removed two concussive slugs from the concussion firearm. They were cylindrical metal casings, on one side they had an impact pad. I put one of the slugs down and hit the impact pad before hurling it at a refab wall. Normally the impact pad would be charged by the weapon core and a concussive charge would be fired directionally via firing pin. However, if you triggered the impact pad outside of the gun’s chamber, such as in this case, it could make a small explosion on thrown impact. And it did just that; the seam between two sheets of refab material gave way and curled into an escape window.

I repeated the process but this time chucked the slug at the door where the thugs were. The shell impacted ground before blowing the doors off their hinges, and supposedly the thugs off of their feet. I didn’t wait around to find out how well it had worked -- after throwing the slug I ran straight for the blown hole in the refab. Outside the building I stayed behind for a few moments to analyze the smoke being vented out from the two holes I had created, along with the speed of the fire, and gradual flow of escapees. I sighed to myself, “Really hope that’s enough to get everyone out…”

I pushed my way out through the small crowd that had escaped through the hole in the refab. A nearby alley full of rubble beckoned me as an vantage point. I watched from a distance to momentarily while I tried to pull up Jade on my mobi-comm. I waited for a few minutes but she never accepted the call. Something was off.

Changing my vantage point, I climbed some nearby girders onto a ruined building, and hid behind crumbled sand brick at the top. I peered at the tech den, so as to get a better look of those exiting. It seemed like the a lot of people had made it out, as far as I could tell, but there was no sign of the four thugs. I kept watching and before long I noted the smoke died down considerably. The flames must have gone out. I wanted to get out of there, but against my better sense I decided to keep watch. I needed to wait for Hadley’s group.

For some time I waited, before Hadley and another thug exited with some of the patrons. It looked like they had stayed behind to get the remaining people out, and I wondered at their angle. Behind him the two men I had laid a good beating on exited next. They gathered in front of the building, and a cloaked vehicle revealed itself next to them. A fifth man stepped out with launcher cocked at his hip, and fired an explosive round at the tech den. The whole place exploded and went up in a fireball.

“D****t.” I turned away. If there was anyone in there they’d be dead. I looked back over the heap of brick rubble appalled, but curious of what they would do next. The four from the altercation entered the vehicle from different doors; three in the back and the largest in the passenger seat. The fifth man returned to his spot in the driver’s seat, and the vehicle faded into a phantom cloak once more.

Pining for a few minutes, I desperately convinced myself that Jade had managed to get out of the den. After calming myself down, I decided to examine the guns I had taken. The concussive firearm would be useful if I could get another energy core, but the rail gun would need some cleverness in order to bypass target lock. I examined it closer. The acceleration nozzle was dialed down substantially. They didn’t go in there intending to kill anybody. The gun was specifically calibrated to target me with a non lethal shot. They wanted to capture me, presumably.

Comforted somewhat, I shelved my thoughts for the time being. What would my next move be? There were a couple of issues at hand. I needed to get in contact with Jade, and stop Hadley. The Rat’s Nest thing needed to be shelved till I knew Jade was okay, and what she was doing next. 

Oh, what an idiot. I slapped a palm on the side of my head, realizing I could check my mobi-comm to see if Jade’s networking signal was nearby. Pulling the comm back out of my pocket, I browsed the list of nearby networks, but did not see hers. I sighed. It was unlikely her mobi-comm got out of there without her, so I could be relatively sure she was safe. I looked at the comm and considered how to get in contact with her. I called again, but again there was no answer after minutes of waiting.

An option came to mind. Kringle. He knew about Hadley, and Jade might have gone to him for more info. I had to go back.

Retracing steps out of Underlow was the more time consuming process. I found my way out, but it was a considerably lengthy ordeal as I had to  inspect corners for safety, and climb obstacles wherever possible to stay at a higher vantage point. I didn’t want to be caught before making it out of the scraps. 

Once I had passed the last ruined building, and soon left the looming cover of the Midtown plate, I found myself back in somewhat civilized city. I stuck to the alleys until I found a building I could climb to sky lane height. It was a mid rise going six storeys up, but since the lowest level of skyline was at four storeys, I didn’t need to climb the entire height of the building. I maneuvered around to the building’s corner where I could perch just below the sky lane at the intersection until a transit bus came by. Before long, one of the clumsy vehicles came floating along, and I jumped from my perch, hanging below as it accelerated down the street.

Looking down, I passed a gaze over a multitude of different types of street. Those like Edge, and Vantage for example, but also residential, and more traditional daytime commerce streets that had most died down with activity on account of the time of night. After several minutes, the bus slowed to the intersection for Edge street, and I dismounted on a nearby building. The street was still alive with neon advertising and streets washed the the glow of lights over the faces of users and abusers. Aware that NaiTech would be out for me still, I stayed above it all, travelling over rooftops until I came to the appropriate alley.

Kringle’s club. The light above the door was off, and there was no security. I moved toward the door, but a deep kinetic field blocked me from reaching the door handle. I pulled out my mobi-comm to look at the time -- it was only 2:57. The club should be open for new customers till at least five. I guessed that they’d locked the doors early when Hadley had bounced. I wondered if he made any noise when he got out of there…

Was it possible that he took out Kringle?

I had to get inside. Since the back door was blocked by a strong kinetic field, that meant I had to go through the front. It meant I had to expose myself on Edge street.

I walked around the corner and into the multitude of people. I stood momentarily, scanning the various pedestrians to make sure nothing looked out of place. Nothing more out of place than Kringle’s being closed anyway. I spun my head at a voice in the crowd, “Hey Erk!” I slunk back nervously and looked where the voice was coming from. There was a waving figure -- I recognized her, but she was nobody of consequence at that moment. Just someone I knew from the neighbourhood. I waved back. 

“Hey Kase.” She smiled at my response and continued on her way to whatever business she was up to. I had to be fast -- with all these people around it wouldn’t be long before NaiTech heard I was here. And the fact that I was still carrying the guns would be even more of a draw for concern. I waded through the crowd to Kringle’s storefront. The advertising monitor was shut down, and the tube lights had also been switched off. I whispered the words of the retired tubes anyway -- “Kringle’s Theatre Wares”. I pulled the knife out amidst the crowd and got close to the lock of the door. I pressed against it so as to mimic the appearance of twisting an analog key. I sliced through a deadbolt and chain with ease. The knife was long enough for that much anyway.

I pushed the door in and slid trough the crack before closing it. Looking around, I opted to knock a nearby shelf over to block anyone else from easily opening the door. 

It was dark inside the storefront -- I turned on the flashlight of my mobi-comm, and attached the device to my mag belt. It was a typical theatre store. Lots of bulky hardware; seating terminals, wire-in apparatuses, and large computers that housed enough hardware to generate realistic theatres. This was the front though. I needed into the club. Into the backbone of the business.

I walked along the newly renovated plastifab tile. I had never been in the front. My dealings with Kringle had always demanded clandestine meetings behind the legal premise of his occupation. I casually walked behind the silent associate clerk’s counter toward a back door, and looked up at sensors in the door’s corner. I shrugged and kicked the door down -- there was no kinetic field on this one. Inside there was dim lit corridor with numerous doors to the left; the usual. An office, a bathroom. But on the far end was one more heavy door like the one in the alley. A bright red glow streamed out from the crack underneath, and the ripple of a kinetic field. I swallowed my nerves and cracked one more concussive slug on its ignition pad and threw it at the door.

The kinetic field mitigated most of the blast, but a plume of dust from the ruptured sand wall came straight out into the corridor. I stood and braced the fizzled shockwave of the blast. As the dust cleared I held a hand up to cup the air in front of my eyes like I was holding an invisible view finder. The red silhouette of the slightly ajar door came into view. 

“Kringle!” I yelled before racing in.

I entered the red room, and found myself in the familiar club. There were a few dozen people seated at terminals and wired-in. They looked dead, but the smell of blood flowing beneath their thin layer of skin notified me otherwise. Nothing out of the ordinary, except that Kringle and his men were nowhere in sight. I looked at the other side of the red hued warehouse, past several gatherings of the bulky pod-like mass of seats. Ar the other side of the large room was a lone metal stairway leading to the door of his real office. That is, the back office where he conducted the business that really brought in profit. Where were all the awake people?

“Kringle!” I shouted again. 

Nothing.

I made my way up the thin staircase and knocked on the door. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Twisting the latch, I slid the door aside and held my breath. The lighting in the office had been turned to the comforting red glow as well. A dozen monitors were displaying feeds from all the hidden cameras throughout the warehouse, storefront, and even in the alley, but no security was there to watch them. 

The only person in the room was Kringle. White haired and limp body hanging arms over the side of his personal theatre seat. I sniffed. He was alive, and wiredin. 

I moaned, “addicted piece of…” I walked over to him and pulled the wire-in apparatus off his face, unapologetic. Breathing tube came out of his nostrils, making a brief suction inspired noise that could only be described as slurping. Shortly after, the wire attached eye contacts unplugged from his face, along with the hearing implements from his ears, and nano-emitters stuck onto parts of the cranium, key for projecting virtual theatre into the mind. 

Waking, he gasped for air with a panic like drowning. I watched as he clawed at the air and then at his chest, before his brain adjusted to his actual surroundings. He breathed heavily between spoken syllables. “Erk… what… what… is….”

I cut him off and grabbed him by the collar of his cloth shirt, color still obscured by the saturating red light. “Who is Hadley!” I yelled and bared fangs.

He recoiled, displaying fear. “Wa… wa… ter. I… need… wat-- "

“Shut up!” I backhanded him, and moved my grip to his neck. “If Jade is hurt!” I moved in closer and let the rage out. I couldn’t control it now. The animal was taking over. As humans as I tried to be, I couldn’t hold back the rage when it came to her. The irony of the situation was that she was the only person who could see me as human, but when I thought of her being hurt, the Kaval instinct was too much to hold at bay. I growled at him, and in time snapped out of my trance. I released him. And he sighed in relief. “Sorry… I didn’t--" I swallowed my pride. Shame overtook me. “Where is everyone?” I changed the line of questioning.

He got out of the chair and shook himself back to a presentably women state. “Light”, he spoke and the red glow gradually shifted to full colour. “Hadley came in after you left and knocked them around. He had a bunch of questions for me, and then left. I sent everyone else home and shut it down for the night.” I pulled a cigarette out and sparked it, shaking. “I had to go into the theatre and calm my nerves after all that.” He took a drag. “Reckon I’ll be under again after what you just pulled on me.”

Embarrassment overcame me. Kringle was no saint, but he was harmless to me. The only problems he caused were for the theatre addicts who came in here looking for a safe virtual hideout. Unbeknownst to them, this club was no more safe than the others. He was looking at their theatres, watching for useful information for sale. It’s how he found out about the unlicensed NaiTech data mod. I tried to wipe the immediate shame from my mind, and look Kringle in the eyes.

He wasn’t looking at me anymore though. The line of his vision eyes traced to the security monitors, and I joined his watch. Someone was at the front, barging through the door with the pushed over cabinet. Nobody I recognized from Hadley’s crew, but they must have been here for me. Either they hacked into the cameras or word got out that I was seen in front of Kringle’s. Two men filed into the wedged doorway.

“Erk.” Kringle spoke my name, begging a solution. 

“I’ll take care of them, but you need to wake your clients and get them out of here.”

He flipped a switch in response, and I saw the red lit room turn to regular lighting on the security monitors. I ran out ahead of Kringle at the groggy occupants of the theatre chairs, stirring into wakefulness. I stopped at one congregation of chairs and stole a power core, slamming it into the concussive gun’s core housing-port. I looked at the clips. There were two columns each with three slugs. I pulled one column out and stole another power core from a neighboring terminal, tying them together with torn wiring. That ought to get things rolling.

I stowed the makeshift concussion grenade on the rear of my mag belt, and moved toward the open door at the other end of the warehouse. I looked over to see the ripples of the kinetic field over the back alley door die down. Around me, club patrons were coming to.

“The… f**k--" I held a finger up to my lips and shushed as I scurried past. Never betraying my focus on the door.

Standing next to the door, safely behind the nearby wall, I paused with a heavy feeling in my chest. I reached over to swing the door open, and the movement stirred up gunfire. It died down and I pointed the concussive gun into the hallway, firing a single shot. The return fire stirred again, continuing for moments before falling silent again.

“Throw down your weapons and come out!” A voice yelled down the hall!

“Okay!” I yelled back, tossing the column of slugs as far into the hallway as I could muster. 

The firing picked up again, and was followed by the burst of projectile being drilled into one of the many explosive elements that would turn the column into a triggered bomb. A plume of dust blasted out of the doorway, filling the warehouse with an ashen-grey soot and film. I ran in after the explosion. On the other side of the ruined corridor, there were four thugs -- still none of them looked like Hadley’s crew. The were dazed, and struggling to find a form of competence. I backhanded one of them, and then smashed his leather padded chest with the butt of the concussive gun. 

With the goon falling into unconsciousness, I took the opportunity to quickly rummage through his pockets. There was a mobi-comm that I couldn’t access, but I was able to look at recent notifications. There was a memo with a forward label, and a subject line that read ‘Erk Kaval sited in Edge town.’ The sender had a generic name, but ended with a telling tag ‘@NaiTech’. That settled it. The NaiTech muscle were descending.

I threw the mobi aside and rushed over top the clerk counter and past the three remaining struggling bodies, to the front door. One of the men stumbled nearby -- he must have been standing watch. I met his forehead with my elbow, and watched him crumple over and lay motionless. Peeking out the crack of the door, I noticed nothing out of the ordinary. The street still crowded with pedestrian nightlife. 

I decided to call back to the club again. The smart move would be to exit by the alley. There’d be less witnesses, and I could also clear a safe path for the waking clients of Kringle. I didn’t want to consider the likelihood of NaiTech goons torturing Kringle or his customers on my account, so if there were more in the alley I needed to lay them out with a good pasting.

Entering the warehouse of terminals again, a good number of the woken were now coming out of the trance-like grogginess that followed being unwired. My reappearance was met with many pointed expletives, most of which were commentaries on my Kaval nature. 

“Shut it!” I ordered with a snarl. “All of you get behind something!”

They didn’t take long to follow my commands, sensing urgency in the situation. Many hid behind terminals, some just cozied up to corners away from the alley entrance. As for myself, I stood in front of the doorway, and examined the concussion gun.

“Just two shots…” I murmured.

Remaining thugs in the alley were probably preparing to blow the door in, and splitting up again after I took out their flanking party in the front entrance. Especially having four of their men in dazed states, the smart move would be for them to move fast from behind and the front at the same time. I had to act faster. I levelled the barrel of the weapon in front of the door and pulled the trigger.

The blowback popped my ears and sent me flying back a few feet; nothing I couldn’t recover from though. I stood and shook my head. “One more shot.” I sighed.

Running up to the corner of the door I peaked out and was met with a spray of gunfire coming from further down the alley, away from the street. I pointed my weapon out the door in the general direction and fired. Moments later heard someone yelling on the outside. “Find cover!”

I took the few moments gained to peak outside, and saw one of the NaiTech thugs laying unconscious to the left of the blown door. I rolled out and grabbed him as a human shield. Looking down the alley, I saw two remaining figures poised behind heaps of trash.

“Give up savage!”

I snarled. I hated those kinds of insults. I felt behind my back for Jade’s small graphene knife, and palmed the hilt, took aim, and prepared to release the knife with a hurl. I pulled the weapon behind my head, and concerns flashed in my mind’s eye. I just had this one throw to stop or slow one of them down, and then taking the other one out by himself would be no problem. 

My arm went through the motion, and time slowed to a trickle. Grip loosening for release, a beam of light from above suddenly stopped the scene from unfolding.

The three of us who were still conscious in the alley recoiled at the instance light. “Freeze!” A voice blasted over a comm coming from above. “You are in violation of Chyunda peacekeeper ordinance 317-A. Everyone drop your weapons now!”

“D****t,” I mumbled, dropping my hostage, knife, and two acquired firearms. Cops. And they were watching with a SAMS, too. They must have recorded everything that happened in the alley.

I raised my hands and stepped away from the dropped weapons, as several men began repelling down the sides of the buildings. Worry flowed into my thoughts, but I tried to keep cool. If I got in trouble in the moments following it would ruin my chances to get into the Academy, maybe forever. Footsteps rushed in from behind me, and pulled my wrists behind with force. I felt gel clamps congeal around my wrists, and then hands. One of the peacekeepers dragged me by my collar, causing me to lose my footing. He tossed me next to the wall like I was discarded trash.

Being Kavalli, I knew there was no hope for me. I kept calm anyway. Maybe Jade’s dad could pull influence to get me out of this. Then I thought of Jade. Where was she? How could I make sure she was safe? What would happen to her if I got taken away?

Reviews

[Wathanya.5KY3]

Thanks for increasing the font size. It helps me a lot.

Erk's perspective is very interesting to read. Especially how he smelled the flowing blood of Kringle's patrons; that took me by surprise. I guess I'm not used to Kavalli anatomy and abilities yet.

I'm a little disappointed by Kringle though. I had this image that he was this tough guy managing the underworld from the shadows. But that's just me.

I'll point out the technical stuff and some of the punctuation issues.

1. My senses were much more acute than a human’s, so even though I could not see with clarity, I could hear, smell and feel my way through with greater awareness.

- missing Oxford comma in "...I could hear, smell[,] and feel my way..."

2. I thought an apologetic thought but used the gained opportunity as a second distraction instead.

- stylistic: the "thought" in "I thought and apologetic thought..." sounds a little repetitive

3. I was flying toward him midair with no escape.

- stylistic(?): midair => mid-air? I guess both works...?

4. The gun was identity locked. Useless without the owner’s fingerprints.

- stylistic: the second sentence is already implied in the first, rendering it unnecessary

5. Interesting. Vital information. The rail guns would only fire if their intended target was in front of them.

- stylistic: this part sounds repetitive, especially with "interesting," "vital information," and the explanation in three separate sentences. I would suggest merging any two, but it could be what I wrote in the beginning of the former sentence--stylistic

6. The concussive gun obviously had no such lock -- having been shot all over the room -- and I instantly became hyper aware of the first thug standing up and making a move for his weapon.

- hyper aware => hyper-aware
- the absence of a lock on the concussive gun and Erk's hyper-awareness don't seem related, which makes it a little awkward to put join them into one long sentence

7. I threw my human shield toward the man with the railgun, a concussive round followed as soon as I released him, but I was already prepared and jumping out of the line of fire.

- in the last clause: [past perfect] and [past continuous], making it sound a little off

8. Punching the thug once more for good measure, I pulled the knife out of his arm and tucked it into my belt, also slinging his gun over my shoulder along with the semi automatic I had previously acquired.

- semi automatic => semi-automatic
- technically not a run-on, but a long sentence
- "...also slinging his gun over my shoulder along with the semi[-]automatic I had previously acquired." This part bugs me, but I don't know why

9. With nothing that could penetrate the barrier save for the small graph we knife, I had to get out of there.

- graph we => graphene

10. I removed two concussive slugs from the concussion firearm.

- stylistic: concussive...concussion makes it sound a little repetitive

11. They were cylindrical metal casings, on one side they had an impact pad.

- there are multiple ways to improvise these two connected-without-a-conjunction clauses; the most simple, though not the best, way is changing the comma to a semi-colon

12. I didn’t wait around to find out how well it had worked -- after throwing the slug I ran straight for the blown hole in the refab.

- stylistic: "I didn’t wait around to find out," had already implied the rest of the sentence, but there's nothing wrong technically

13. A nearby alley full of rubble beckoned me as an vantage point.

- an vantage point => a vantage point

14. I watched from a distance to momentarily while I tried to pull up Jade on my mobi-comm.

- I don't understand the first part of this sentence

15. It seemed like the a lot of people had made it out, as far as I could tell, but there was no sign of the four thugs.

- the a lot of people => a lot of people

16. A fifth man stepped out with launcher cocked at his hip, and fired an explosive round at the tech den.

- unsure: with launcher => with a launcher(?)

17. Comforted somewhat, I shelved my thoughts for the time being. What would my next move be? There were a couple of issues at hand. I needed to get in contact with Jade, and stop Hadley. The Rat’s Nest thing needed to be shelved till I knew Jade was okay, and what she was doing next.

- personally stylistic: "shelved" appeared twice in one paragraph. It sounds repetitive to me, but I'm the kind of person that uses Ctrl+F to make sure I don't repeat words. You can ignore this

18. Retracing steps out of Underlow was the more time consuming process.

- time consuming => time-consuming

19. I found my way out, but it was a considerably lengthy ordeal as I had to inspect corners for safety, and climb obstacles wherever possible to stay at a higher vantage point.

- there are two spaces between "to" and "inspect"
- unnecessary comma after "...for safety"

20. It was a mid rise going six storeys up, but since the lowest level of skyline was at four storeys, I didn’t need to climb the entire height of the building.

- mid rise => mid-rise
- skyline => the skyline (?)

21. Before long, one of the clumsy vehicles came floating along, and I jumped from my perch, hanging below as it accelerated down the street... After several minutes, the bus slowed to the intersection for Edge street, and I dismounted on a nearby building.

- stylistic: swapping "clumsy vehicles" and "bus" might be a good idea to avoid confusion. I thought Erk was hanging below a normal flying car

22. Those like Edge, and Vantage for example, but also residential, and more traditional daytime commerce streets that had most died down with activity on account of the time of night.

- most => mostly

23. Since the back door was blocked by a strong kinetic field, that meant I had to go through the front. It meant I had to expose myself on Edge street.

- I wouldn't say it's boring, but this part (and its punctuation) could be improved to sound less repetitive

24. I spun my head at a voice in the crowd, “Hey Erk!” + “Hey Kase.”

- the order of the first two sentences makes it seem like Erk was calling his own name. Swapping them should do the trick
- comma after "Hey"

25. Lots of bulky hardware; seating terminals, wire-in apparatuses, and large computers that housed enough hardware to generate realistic theatres.

- semi-colon => regular colon
- semi-colon after "...and large computers" (correctly added Oxford comma though; brownie points from yours truly!)

26. I shrugged and kicked the door down -- there was no kinetic field on this one. Inside there was dim lit corridor with numerous doors to the left; the usual.

- dim-lit
- nothing else here; just wanted to give you a break by telling you the punctuation here is perfect

27. Ar the other side of the large room was a lone metal stairway leading to the door of his real office.

- Ar => At

28. Nothing.

- I usually try to control myself from rewriting people's writings for obvious reasons, but please allow me to suggest adding "still" in front of this

29. He was alive, and wiredin.

- wiredin => wired-in

30. Breathing tube came out of his nostrils, making a brief suction inspired noise that could only be described as slurping.

- tube => tubes

31. Waking, he gasped for air with a panic like drowning.

- stylistic: the end of this sentence is a little awkwardly worded

32. “Who is Hadley!”

- ! => ?!

33. He got out of the chair and shook himself back to a presentably women state.

- women => woken?

34. I pulled a cigarette out and sparked it, shaking.

- is Erk the one smoking here? If so, it's confusing to have Erk's action described in the paragraph about Kringle

35. “The… f**k--" I held a finger up to my lips and shushed as I scurried past. Never betraying my focus on the door.

- stylistic: putting a random patron's cussing and Erk's action in one paragraph makes it seem like Erk was the one cussing

36. “Throw down your weapons and come out!” A voice yelled down the hall!

- A => a
- ! => .

37. The were dazed, and struggling to find a form of competence.

- The => They
- unnecessary comma

38. Running up to the corner of the door I peaked out and was met with a spray of gunfire coming from further down the alley, away from the street.

- comma after "...of the door"
- peaked out => peek out

39. I took the few moments gained to peak outside, and saw one of the NaiTech thugs laying unconscious to the left of the blown door.

- peak => peek

40. “Give up savage!”

- comma after "Give up"

-----------------Whew, this was a long one.

Other observations:

1. I noticed many unnecessary commas (that aren't Oxford commas) before "and." There is actually a debate going on about adding commas to force stops (and, as a result, enhance the dramatic effect), but I'm not sure that's the case here. In any case, I mostly switched off my radar for that, only mentioning them when there's a different issue with the sentence.

2. My imaginations of action scenes are usually not very vivid, but your action scenes are very well described. I love how badass both Jade and Erk are during their action scenes. Keep up the good work!

3. It still seems like you're learning dialogue punctuation as you go though, so I'll copy and paste the tricky ones that you got right. Critiques are supposed to show you what you got right too ;D

- “D****t.” I turned away.
- “Light”, he spoke and the red glow gradually shifted to full colour. “Hadley came in after you left and knocked them around. He had a bunch of questions for me, and then left. I sent everyone else home and shut it down for the night.” I pulled a cigarette out and sparked it, shaking. “I had to go into the theatre and calm my nerves after all that.” He took a drag. “Reckon I’ll be under again after what you just pulled on me.” (except the cigarette issue I pointed out earlier)
- I stood and shook my head. “One more shot.” I sighed.
- “D****t,” I mumbled, dropping my hostage, knife, and two acquired firearms.

4. Breaking down long paragraphs makes it less taxing for readers. I think the paragraph length in this chapter is well divided.

-------------------

That's it for this chapter. I hope it will be helpful.

I'll be moving to a new dorm in two weeks, so I'll convert my review-others'-writings energy to packing energy.

[JT Godin]

Thanks for the editing! Usually Tuesday is the day I get to these, but I was working on Chapter 6 the last week and only really had today to finish up. I will get to these comments as soon as possible.

[Wathanya.5KY3]

Take your time. Your chapters are very long.

[JT Godin]

Made some revisions with your edits in mind, but still not ready to re-post. I have some responses to a few points.

20. Skyline was meant to be sky lane. Got autocorrected.

Some of the sentence fragments or redundancies you pointed out, I did make alterations to for readability/made them less fragmented. But overall decided to keep them in, as I want the narration to be *just a little* unfocused, or imperfect -- not full-on stream of consciousness. I italicized the single word sentences that I decided to keep in, and otherwise combined fragments into full sentences.

--

Thanks for the input about Kringle. I might go back and imply that he has more of an info-brokering role. With that in mind, I think you might like one of the twists in Chapter 6 -- I won't spoil it, but I'll at least mention that Kringle's involvement in the plot won't get much heavier than what you've already read, and the plot twist does not involve him in the least.

I'm also glad you're enjoying the action scenes. I wanted the story to be fast-paced and action packed. I'm drawing inspiration from the action writing I've read from authors who I believe are good at pacing, and I hope that it's paying off.

----

In any case, I hope to finish Chapter 7 and 8 this week, especially with the cliff-hangers I left 5 and 6 on. As for this chapter's revision, I think I'll be all the way through it by next Tuesday.

[Wathanya.5KY3]

I'm in the middle of editing myself, so I totally get where you are.

I'm pretty sure auto-correct and the Lord of Formatting on this site are best buds.

Your reason for having the narration be a little unfocused is totally understandable.

--

Oh, I like plot twists! I'm only around half-way through chapter 5 (packing and all that), but I can't wait to find out what's waiting for my in chapter 6.

It's definitely paying off. As I've said multiple times, I'm usually not an action reader (I do watch action movies though), but I like the descriptions your action scenes.

--

This week--actually, today--is the calm before the storm for me, so I might have time to finish chapter 5. Still, no promises.