Apple Road

This poem is based on one of my most tragic memories and it was one of the darkest moments in my life�If you�re standing in that road you are not alone.

 

Apple Road

 

I slammed the refrigerator door

Placing the three apples I had removed into my back pack

Jumbled together with homework, some clothes, pictures of my father, and $130

All my good memories packed on my back

Ready to escape with me

“Where do you think you’re going” my mother yelled

I was standing at the front door

“Anywhere but here” I said sternly

Trying to hide my fear

She always took her problems out on me

And lately all she could talk about was dying

“If you’re going to kill yourself I ain’t gonna watch”

I shut the door behind me

And I ran…

I could see my breath as it hit the cold winter air

Where could I go

Who could I call

No one

I truly felt that I had no one

I wanted,

Needed

So badly to run

But where can you run when you are alone

I stopped at a dead end corner and hid behind a car

So just in case she looked

She wouldn’t find me

The air pierced my lungs like needles

The tears swelled in my eyes

No!

I won’t cry

I never cry

I can’t cry

The woman who owned the car exited her house

For a moment she just looked at me

Watching my face as I tried to keep from falling apart

“Sweetheart do you need some help?”

Should I tell her

Should I explain to this stranger the abuse I went through

How I keep it a secret to make my mom and her family happy

Could I tell her that I think my mom might kill herself

Or should I just make up a story

No!

What good would it do

How could she help me

She can’t rewind the past

Keep all the pain I have faced from happening

Or keep me from becoming someone that my mother won’t ever accept

She can’t save me

“No, I’m fine” I said flipping through the names on my phone

Trying to find a number

Any number

Just to talk and hear another voice

The woman went back in her house

I didn’t know if she would call the cops

I didn’t care

Eyeing the name of one of my friends I hit talk

I knew she couldn’t help me

And I knew if I went to her house

My mother would find me

I didn’t want that

We talked

Not long

It offered little comfort

I watched the cars as they sped down Goddard

I wanted it all to end

The cars could end it for me

They could take away the pain

My chest hurts

So does my stomach

I think I’m going to be sick

I opened my phone again and quickly scrolled to a name

I called my aunt

“Hi sweetie” she said hearing my voice

The tears I had been holding back rolled down my face

I had moved from behind the car

I now stood ankle deep in snow

Only feet from the road

Hidden by dead trees and brush

“I don’t know what to do” I said

My voice low

I was shaking from the cold

“Are you ok” she asked

Concern was mixed in with her words

Should I tell her

Yes…

But only some

I tell her about my mother

How she wants to die

I don’t tell her about the past

The abuse

I can't

I just can’t

I hang up the phone

She’s coming to get me

I don’t feel any better

I don’t say it

I’ll never say it!

I want to die

It hurts...

The sound of speeding cars and my own heartbeat drowns out everything else

I step on to the curb

And I grab the cross dangling around my neck

“God I can’t do this!”

I scream up to heaven

I wanted to step in front of the traffic

To be released

I removed one of the apples from my back pack

I threw it into the road

And I watched as a black SUV smashed it into the tar

That could have been me

But it wasn’t…

 

 

 

Author's Note

If you�re standing in that road you are not alone�

Reviews

[EmpressPoetess]

I hope you're getting therapy, little lamb. PTSD symptoms are screaming all around you! You bottle it up, one day it floods out, and you crash. Don't let that happen! Stand tall and fight it, sweetie! Get help to move it out, away from who you're becoming, let it seep out with who you used to be. Shed that old bruised skin, so you can soar, butterfly! Luv ya!
Empress

[Linda Stinson]

Voice, always remember feelings are meant to change. How you feel now is not how you will feel in five minutes. I wrote something about that once. Everyone always says that things will get better, they only get better, if you allow them. Sounds like you have had a hard road, ever thought about putting up some detour signs. You should also bear in mind that although things are horrible, it is molding you on what not to do in your later years. Especially when your children will be involved.

[Shell]

It's a really great work, you've written a story, in poetry form. The imagery is superb and the emotion conveyed in such a raw way.

A great ability has been born from such sadness and anger. It's good that you write. Writing is like therapy. It helps to clean house, I think. And with your writing, your experiences, and your voice, you can and will help others.

[Seantesunflower]

sweetie this is such a sad write but the end result was the apple and thankfully not you!
I have sent you an email.
((hugs))

[The Outlaws' Song]

This piece expressed such strong,pure, raw feelings..I am impressed! I'm sorry you had to go through this but you know the saying "What does not kill me makes me stronger". And feeling stronger is good !
I hope you are better now.

Another favorite!

[Last Lying Look]

This is so tragic.
That's an extremely traumatic thing to go through at the age of 15.
I'm 15 as well but nothing like that has ever happened to me.
If you'd ever like someone friendly to talk to, just send me a message.
I hope things are better now.
-Elissa

[Carole]

This was an intense write but it was good from start to finish. You didn't miss a beat...and the flow was perfect.

Growing up in dysfunction is never easy. My own mother was bi-polar and did end up committing suicide, but like you, her suicide was one of several things that plunged me into a ministry of helping many. Our worst nightmares can become our greatest gift to others if we weather the storm and capitalize on it.

The above is the picture of a nightmare that you lived, and are obviously surviving and capitalizing on like I did with my mother's suicide. Though I would not wish having to go through such a thing on anyone, as you wouldn't "child abuse" I can now look back and see how God used my worst nightmare for establishing a ministry and outreach that may have never developed if it were not for my mother's suicide. The same is true for you...

Keep writing! Keep reaching....and don't EVER stop praying. :-)

[Chrissy]

oh my god.
well it is good you didnot step in front of the car! that would have been devistating! this was written from the heart i know. All i wan to do now is to hug you and help make the pain go away. I will always be here to listen to what you have to say. i am all ears or in this case all eyes. My friend once told me he steped infront of a speeding SUV to take his life. his ex girlfriend hurt him deep and caused him sarrow. He wanted his life to betaken away. luckely the suv swurved intime or i would have never met him and fallen in love with him if it hadnot swived. so unlike the apple in this writing he was not squished.
this was beutifully written and made me want to cry. i am glad you through the apple instead of yourself. the way i see it is suiside is selfish, kiilling yourself to get over the pain will not help you in any way. omg that rymed!
i love writting these reviews they are sooo fun. but not as funn as reading the writing peaces.
as i said before I enjoyed reading this it mad me sad, but it is good you let this out. keep writting what you feel and remember there are people who love you and care for you even though they my not show it in the best ways. write to relese the bottled up feelings. and you should tell someone the next time you feel this sad that you runaway and want to die, i suggest you get some therapy(even if its just from someone you trust with your secrets). listen to relaxing music and write. get some note books! this is what i doo when i am feeling sad!
oh my this is a verry long review!

[revenant21]

Very gripping read. i agree with Empress below me...

[Emily B]

Just know that we don't have to travel the same roads are mothers did. We don't have to live like that. . . help yourself. Talk to friends, supportive family, your doctor. That darkest moment may be the one thing that saves your life. Look for the light.

[just is]

I slammed the refrigerator door
Placing the three apples I had removed into my back pack
Jumbled together with homework, some clothes, pictures of my father, and $130
All my good memories packed on my back

Wow! More amazing words here, you are so gifted, you're one heck of a writer.
I mean sincerely. This has emotion and hurt, and heart as well. Abuse can hurt
I can feel all your words and aches.
in which you have crafted.