Car "Accident".

One day.

 They say it was a car accident, but we all know better. She said her goodbyes everytime she walked out of a door. All it took was a bad grade, too much, too little, or a car "accident" for her to finally mean what she promised us every day. She always said, "This is it. This is goodbye," and now she finally finished what he started.
 You should have known leaving with her was a bad idea. She was never okay during the winter, especially this one since it had been a year without him. She had been drinking that night, and God did she always get upset when she wasn't sober. I can't really think of a time when she wasn't high off of something or completely drunk after he left.
 I remember how after it happened you called him and screamed at him for hours; how after it happened you blamed him for her leaving you and all of us - I think we all knew you blamed yourself but it was easier on you to blame him. I hope you know that it's okay that you did that. We all worry about you, even he will call occasionally and ask how you are doing; we always tell him you are doing okay because we don't know how to explain to him that we haven't seen you for 9 weeks. We heard you have a drinking problem now. When she was around you always liked to get a little buzzed with her, but you never took it as far as she did. You never chased down bottles of pills with whiskey like she did, but I guess now you're just getting started.
 I remember the first time we saw her at her worst, little did we know her worst would become her best. It was Christmas Eve, you and I heard something in the kitchen and we snuck down to see what was happening, that's when we saw her. I remember how she looked that night sitting at the kitchen table: she had tears running down her face and a bottle of pills in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. You asked her what she was doing and all she said was, "This is how I like to keep warm," then she looked you right in the eye, swallowed 6 pills, and said, "Merry Christmas." After that you turned around, grabbed my hand, and ran straight to your room. When you closed the door you started crying, all I can think of is how you kept repeating, "That didn't even sound like her. That wasn't her voice. That wasn't her." I think that was the first time you had ever had your heart broken. She had hit rock bottom too hard way too many times to ever look the same again. I'm so sorry.
 On the night, I remember the roads were in really bad condition; the cold was unbearable. It had been a year since he left her, she was finally starting to be herself again, but she ran into him and his new girlfriend at the store and bought 3 bottles of alcohol and sleeping pills instead of the Christmas present she was going to get you. I know you have heard how everyone always said that she loved drugs and alcohol more than she loved you. You never said anything about it, I hope you didn't just accept it, because it wasn't true.
 She came home completely messed up and screamed at you for letting her be this way. I hope you know it wasn't your fault. She told you to take her home but you told her no, even if you said yes you wouldn't know where to take her, she was already home. The look on her face, her body language, when you told her that scared me. Her body seemed to crumple up like her bones couldn't withstand the weight of all the lies she had told, like her heart was too heavy, like her entire body was tearing her apart from the inside out. She broke down and fell to the floor. She kept demanding you to give her the keys over and over again, and everytime you told her no because she was too drunk to drive; she kept saying it louder and louder but she looked like she was getting smaller and smaller.
 It amazed me how you stood your ground but she eventually got to you; she was a pro at getting under everyone's skin. You gave her the keys but you told her that you had to go with her. You said, "You're not okay, you haven't been for a while. How do you not see that he was just a boy. I'm tired of seeing you tear yourself apart for someone who sees you as a material item and not Heaven it's self. I'm tired of you volunteering your body up to him. I'm tired of you acting like you think you're important to him. I'm tired of you coming home at 4 in the morning because he kicks you out after he's done with you. I'm tired of you blaming yourself because he doesn't really love you. I'm tired of you taking too many pills every night because you 'need help falling asleep'. We all know it's just a game to you now. We've all noticed how each night you take more and more pills like you're testing yourself, like you're testing God, seeing how many will be too many. I'm tired of you drowning your body with him and all the alcohol he buys for you. I'll give you the keys, but I'm coming with you. I'm sorry, it's just that I want to make sure you make it to wherever you need to go. I want you to know that he is not your home. He will never be your home. He is just a boy."
 I remember we got the call around 3 in the morning that night. When we got to the hospital they told us that you got lucky with only having minor injuries; we asked about her and they all got quiet. They told us that it was a car accident. They said the car wrapped around a tree. They said you had your seat belt on and that she went through the windshield. They said so many things but all we wanted to see was you. When we got to your room you kept saying that it wasn't an accident. None of us understood.
 At the funeral, I remember your mom asked you to speak. When I saw you, I finally realized what you meant when you said that it wasn't an accident. You looked so much like her from that night - The night. I remember wondering how many times you had hit rock bottom since that night because I barely recognized you. You looked at the casket like you wished you were the one who was in it. When you went up to it all you said was, "Maybe I'll continue living, but God you should have." I hope you're are doing okay.
 The car crash killed more than just your sister; your faith went with her through the windshield.