Story Time

Because I'm tired of hiding behind my poetry

This is a story of pain and heartbreak, fear and anguish. You see, I used to be in love with love, I used to daydream about finding my one and only and having that happily ever after. After so many heartbreaks, I gave up. I shut my heart away in a steel cage and hid it behind layers and layers of walls. I always swore to myself that I would never end up like my parents, divorced and full of anger and pain. So I shut myself down, believing that the only way to avid that outcome was to just never feel. I became cherophobic, fearful of happiness. I knew with all of my mind and soul that happiness only led to disaster and pain, so I cut it out. I kept myself in a box and refused myself pleasure. I became logical, living life based only on what would allow me to survive. Unfortunately, that's when he appeared.

A man like a lion, proud and confident, strode into my life. Just our first meeting shook me to my core, it broke my way of thinking and separated me from the world as I knew it. Even though I was nervous, I spoke to him kindly, he made me laugh and smile again without even trying. I wanted to continue to pursue, I wanted to be closer to him. However every step I took, my fear reminded me of what would happen. My logical side reminded me of everything that could be uprooted. Yet I kept talking to him, I kept falling. Even when he introduced me to his, wanted to welcome me in, wanted the three of us to be one, I was okay with it. I adore them both, why would I have ever seen a down side. Still my fear and logistics prodded into my mind, filling me over and over with fear, fighting this flame of falling in love with this couple.

Then something changed. All the words that were said between us went away. He decided he didn't want to fight with my fear and my broken pieces for my heart. I begged and I begged to try to show him that I could overcome it. I fought to pick myself up and show him that I could be a lion too. However, I was too late. He had gone, left for someone completely different. Yet, here I still am. Desperately in love with him, desperately hoping one day he comes back. I dream of him, literally every night. Some of them are good, some of them he holds me again, he tells me words of kindness and encouragement. Unfortunately, most of the time, he's telling me he doesn't love me. He's pushing me away, stranding me in his past. His face and his voice both crystal clear as if he stood in front of me.

I don't want to love anymore. I don't want to try anymore. I still am, and life is still trying it's hardest to knock me down and keep me there. I lost my friends, they grew tired of hearing my pain. I left my job, I couldn't handle risking seeing him everyday. Someone stole my bike just as I've started a new job to try to rebuild. I don't want to keep my head up anymore. I want to cry. I want to "forget" my anxiety pill and just breakdown for a day. But, I'm still fighting. I'm still pushing. Even without sleep, losing my appetite, the world turning against me, I'm trying.

Reviews

[alanwgraham]

This is heartfelt and emotional story of fear of being hurt by broken love. It's understandable how childhood experience of your parents poor relationship can bring this about. Your tale seemed straightforward until I was confused by the mention of falling for this man and his other. You say you adore them both but don't mention her again. Then when you are rejected things start to fall apart. You haven't said whether this is fact or fiction and I wouldn't presume to guess. This story has great potential, especially with the unexpected freedoms and giving more detail would add to the story.
I see you are from Florida so keep safe.
Alan