Venting

I need to vent somewhere.

I'm alone and I brought it on myself. I screwed myself over and lost everything I cared for. I can feel my pot bubbling over, my feet nervously trying to avoid the crumbling ledge, the screaming in my head blaming me for everything. Everyone and everything that could calm it is gone. I lost my love to fear, I lost my dearest friend to idiotic decisions, I'm losing my sister all over again. I can't take this on my own. I was starting to get better. I was starting to learn to fly. I was beginning to see how strong and beautiful I was. Now I'm back where I began, hearing these voices in my head telling me I'm not. Telling me I'm a demon that shouldn't exist. No one is here to save me and I don't believe I'm strong enough to save myself.

I wish more now than ever that I could fix everything. I wish I could just cast a spell and things would be okay. I wish, just for a little while, that life could be easy again. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be alone. I have no one to lean on, I have no one to talk to, I broke all the rules that were set before me. Now I can't stop crying. It's all I can do to hide it from my niece. It's all I can do to keep her believing that things are okay. It's all I can do to hold up this mask and show her that life isn't bad. I'm trying so hard to keep her from seeing it. If I let my mask fall in front of her, broken soul she'd see, she wouldn't recognize.

I wish you were here, little flower. I'm so afraid. You were the only friend I had left. I'm sorry I broke you. I'm sorry I ruined everything we had. I wish I could just have your warm hugs one last time. I wish we could just sit on the couch and cheer each other up with nonsense again. I wish I had never tried to settle things. I wish I had just listened. I miss you.

Reviews

[MorganPark]

Your pain runs deep. Keep writing, it won’t make things easier, but you will begin to breathe again. Sometimes the pain goes nowhere, instead it becomes a memory of the ones we loved and lost and you might come to enjoy the memory and the smile they bring to your heart and the pain might not be so severe. I hope this for you.