Wow. This is a magnificent piece of poetry you got going on here. I can compare to it - and contrast to it, in ways - and it's still very personal. It's not talking about anyone individual, it says "you," and I like that a lot about this poem. it's like you're speaking to whomever is reading it. Great work!
Suggestions: (I hate making suggestions on writing... I feel like I'm telling the author that they're doing something wrong. I know it's to help them with their work, but I still feel bad - if I happen to insult you in anyway, please notify me, and I'll stop making recommendations.)
"You say you are unfit, undeserved, unworthy, unworthy of love." - "You say you are unfit, undeserved, and unworthy - unworthy of my love." The word "my" gives a bigger impact on the reader, so I'd suggest adding that in.
"I say forget that. Demons are even more ugly in your beautiful radiance.
I say forget that. Any human is unworthy of you. Not you of them.
I say forget that. At least you're not shallow. At least you have depth.
I say forget that. You are a Child Of God, and are less of a monster than most of us." -
"I say, 'forget that. Demons are even more ugly in your beautiful radiance.'
I say, 'forget that. Any human is unworthy of you. Not you of them.'
I say, 'forget that. At least you're not shallow. At least you have depth.'
I say, 'forget that. You are a Child Of God, and are less of a monster than most of us.'" It feels like you're actually quoting yourself in this suggestion, as if you've had this conversation before.
"For you, it felt, feels, like everything you did and do someone has to berate.
For you, you, in your beauty like a gem, haven't hurt others like we have. You have been hurt." -
"For you, it felt - feels - like everything you did and will do, someone has to berate.
For you - you, in your beauty like a gem - haven't hurt others like we have. I can tell that you have been hurt."
"Even if you have, I believe you are an angel, not a monster." - "Even if you have, I believe you are an angel - not a monster."
"You do not have muddy eyes nor do you deserve to be forced into a hole." - "You do not have muddy eyes, nor do you deserve to be forced into a hole." I love the "muddy eyes" comparison, by the way.
"You are not a monster, a beast, transparent. Maybe to those ignorant fools. Not to me. I am with you. You are." - "You are not a monster, a beast, or transparent. Maybe to those ignorant fools, but not to me. I am always with you. You are beautiful to me." Or, you could keep the "you are," because I really liked how the compliment was incomplete.
Posted 9 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
9 Years Ago
Wow, thank you. :) And no, you're not offending me in any way. I'll look more at your recommendation.. read moreWow, thank you. :) And no, you're not offending me in any way. I'll look more at your recommendations and possibly change some things. I love how in depth you think about what you're reading, and how you give suggestions, and how those suggestions look at so many lines, because that shows you were truly reading and paying attention and listening and caring. :D
9 Years Ago
Whoa. I didn't think anyone cared that I was actually reading this. They mostly just want reviews, a.. read moreWhoa. I didn't think anyone cared that I was actually reading this. They mostly just want reviews, and all I want to do is read and help people with their writing. o_o
9 Years Ago
Lol, you've only just now noticed that I don't care about reviews? I told you, I don't care whether .. read moreLol, you've only just now noticed that I don't care about reviews? I told you, I don't care whether you review my work or not (not as in caring about you reviewing, I mean as in caring about reviews in general) It's not about reviews, or stats, or popularity, or any of that for me, it's about the reader actually taking the time to care and review.
9 Years Ago
I'll bake you a pie for that, and I'll send it to your house. I don't know many good people, but you.. read moreI'll bake you a pie for that, and I'll send it to your house. I don't know many good people, but you have fallen into that category.
9 Years Ago
Um...nvm. I was gonna say I'm not good, but I made a promise with 3 writers (thus far, more might fa.. read moreUm...nvm. I was gonna say I'm not good, but I made a promise with 3 writers (thus far, more might fall into that category) on here I would be positive and believe in myself and what people say about me. And lol, do you need my address? And are you going to include a return to sender address so I can send back the pan?
9 Years Ago
Even in times when people compliment you and you are not willing to accept the fact that you are a w.. read moreEven in times when people compliment you and you are not willing to accept the fact that you are a well person, they believe in you. You might not, but they've always got your back - their compliments were meant to help you rise, not to help you break yourself into pieces. Before my parents started to hate the living hell out of me, my mother gave me a pep-talk about compliments. She said, "Each time you don't take a compliment seriously, you are rejecting a cupcake. If someone compliments you - if they offer you a cupcake - you are meant to accept it, correct? Each time you don't believe their compliments are true, you smack the cupcake out of their hand, and it is ruined. Sometimes, it might even hurt the person who offered it to you in the first place." And you may keep the pan. xD
9 Years Ago
Lol, that's so very true. You should read the quote on my page above my address, it said that same t.. read moreLol, that's so very true. You should read the quote on my page above my address, it said that same thing about rising, and was there before you posted this. XD And okay, I see, you think I'm a creeper.... JK. ;P
Lol, it is kind of cool that's what I thought after I read that.
And lol, that sounded OH so s.. read moreLol, it is kind of cool that's what I thought after I read that.
And lol, that sounded OH so sarcastic. :p
9 Years Ago
Sorry, I know that the shorter the sentence, the less emotions are set behind it - well, it actually.. read moreSorry, I know that the shorter the sentence, the less emotions are set behind it - well, it actually depends on the sentence and what words are used - but I promise that I personally think that's epic.
9 Years Ago
You're fine, I understand there was lots of emotion behind it, and that is true. :P I think it's epi.. read moreYou're fine, I understand there was lots of emotion behind it, and that is true. :P I think it's epic too. XD
Wow. This is a magnificent piece of poetry you got going on here. I can compare to it - and contrast to it, in ways - and it's still very personal. It's not talking about anyone individual, it says "you," and I like that a lot about this poem. it's like you're speaking to whomever is reading it. Great work!
Suggestions: (I hate making suggestions on writing... I feel like I'm telling the author that they're doing something wrong. I know it's to help them with their work, but I still feel bad - if I happen to insult you in anyway, please notify me, and I'll stop making recommendations.)
"You say you are unfit, undeserved, unworthy, unworthy of love." - "You say you are unfit, undeserved, and unworthy - unworthy of my love." The word "my" gives a bigger impact on the reader, so I'd suggest adding that in.
"I say forget that. Demons are even more ugly in your beautiful radiance.
I say forget that. Any human is unworthy of you. Not you of them.
I say forget that. At least you're not shallow. At least you have depth.
I say forget that. You are a Child Of God, and are less of a monster than most of us." -
"I say, 'forget that. Demons are even more ugly in your beautiful radiance.'
I say, 'forget that. Any human is unworthy of you. Not you of them.'
I say, 'forget that. At least you're not shallow. At least you have depth.'
I say, 'forget that. You are a Child Of God, and are less of a monster than most of us.'" It feels like you're actually quoting yourself in this suggestion, as if you've had this conversation before.
"For you, it felt, feels, like everything you did and do someone has to berate.
For you, you, in your beauty like a gem, haven't hurt others like we have. You have been hurt." -
"For you, it felt - feels - like everything you did and will do, someone has to berate.
For you - you, in your beauty like a gem - haven't hurt others like we have. I can tell that you have been hurt."
"Even if you have, I believe you are an angel, not a monster." - "Even if you have, I believe you are an angel - not a monster."
"You do not have muddy eyes nor do you deserve to be forced into a hole." - "You do not have muddy eyes, nor do you deserve to be forced into a hole." I love the "muddy eyes" comparison, by the way.
"You are not a monster, a beast, transparent. Maybe to those ignorant fools. Not to me. I am with you. You are." - "You are not a monster, a beast, or transparent. Maybe to those ignorant fools, but not to me. I am always with you. You are beautiful to me." Or, you could keep the "you are," because I really liked how the compliment was incomplete.
Posted 9 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
9 Years Ago
Wow, thank you. :) And no, you're not offending me in any way. I'll look more at your recommendation.. read moreWow, thank you. :) And no, you're not offending me in any way. I'll look more at your recommendations and possibly change some things. I love how in depth you think about what you're reading, and how you give suggestions, and how those suggestions look at so many lines, because that shows you were truly reading and paying attention and listening and caring. :D
9 Years Ago
Whoa. I didn't think anyone cared that I was actually reading this. They mostly just want reviews, a.. read moreWhoa. I didn't think anyone cared that I was actually reading this. They mostly just want reviews, and all I want to do is read and help people with their writing. o_o
9 Years Ago
Lol, you've only just now noticed that I don't care about reviews? I told you, I don't care whether .. read moreLol, you've only just now noticed that I don't care about reviews? I told you, I don't care whether you review my work or not (not as in caring about you reviewing, I mean as in caring about reviews in general) It's not about reviews, or stats, or popularity, or any of that for me, it's about the reader actually taking the time to care and review.
9 Years Ago
I'll bake you a pie for that, and I'll send it to your house. I don't know many good people, but you.. read moreI'll bake you a pie for that, and I'll send it to your house. I don't know many good people, but you have fallen into that category.
9 Years Ago
Um...nvm. I was gonna say I'm not good, but I made a promise with 3 writers (thus far, more might fa.. read moreUm...nvm. I was gonna say I'm not good, but I made a promise with 3 writers (thus far, more might fall into that category) on here I would be positive and believe in myself and what people say about me. And lol, do you need my address? And are you going to include a return to sender address so I can send back the pan?
9 Years Ago
Even in times when people compliment you and you are not willing to accept the fact that you are a w.. read moreEven in times when people compliment you and you are not willing to accept the fact that you are a well person, they believe in you. You might not, but they've always got your back - their compliments were meant to help you rise, not to help you break yourself into pieces. Before my parents started to hate the living hell out of me, my mother gave me a pep-talk about compliments. She said, "Each time you don't take a compliment seriously, you are rejecting a cupcake. If someone compliments you - if they offer you a cupcake - you are meant to accept it, correct? Each time you don't believe their compliments are true, you smack the cupcake out of their hand, and it is ruined. Sometimes, it might even hurt the person who offered it to you in the first place." And you may keep the pan. xD
9 Years Ago
Lol, that's so very true. You should read the quote on my page above my address, it said that same t.. read moreLol, that's so very true. You should read the quote on my page above my address, it said that same thing about rising, and was there before you posted this. XD And okay, I see, you think I'm a creeper.... JK. ;P
Lol, it is kind of cool that's what I thought after I read that.
And lol, that sounded OH so s.. read moreLol, it is kind of cool that's what I thought after I read that.
And lol, that sounded OH so sarcastic. :p
9 Years Ago
Sorry, I know that the shorter the sentence, the less emotions are set behind it - well, it actually.. read moreSorry, I know that the shorter the sentence, the less emotions are set behind it - well, it actually depends on the sentence and what words are used - but I promise that I personally think that's epic.
9 Years Ago
You're fine, I understand there was lots of emotion behind it, and that is true. :P I think it's epi.. read moreYou're fine, I understand there was lots of emotion behind it, and that is true. :P I think it's epic too. XD
These are all or some of the things I've heard so many times.
So many times.
This is beautiful.
The kind of thing I should read every day to maybe someday believe.
thank you for sharing.
Posted 9 Years Ago
9 Years Ago
I hope you do believe. I used lines from my friend's poems, and made this. Truly, I say to you, you .. read moreI hope you do believe. I used lines from my friend's poems, and made this. Truly, I say to you, you are not a beast, you are beautiful. Everyone is. So keep your head up. Stay strong. Read it if it will help you. (Fair warning: some of my other writing isn't as positive, just in case you were thinking about reading them.) I'm glad you liked it, but not that you could relate. No one should go through that. I'd rather someone not be able to relate and not go through that than relate and go through it. I think you're strong just for being able to read this and believe that one day, you can believe. I think you should join my group, The Resilient. I'll shoot you an invite. :)
9 Years Ago
thanks :) you're very sweet.
i like dark and I like light... I can relate to both so I like t.. read morethanks :) you're very sweet.
i like dark and I like light... I can relate to both so I like them both.
9 Years Ago
No problem. Although, why does everyone think I'm sweet or kind or a good person? (I kind of hate my.. read moreNo problem. Although, why does everyone think I'm sweet or kind or a good person? (I kind of hate myself, not as many people know that.) But I do feel however, that it is what a person should do, is to lift others up, even if they can't do that for themselves or don't like themselves. And okay, I'm warning you. I can relate to both too, but if you want to delve deep into my mind by reading my writing... I mean, I can't really stop you, I'm just warning you.
9 Years Ago
Hey, mine is the same... you've also been warned.
I think the people that are the most hurt o.. read moreHey, mine is the same... you've also been warned.
I think the people that are the most hurt or feel the deepest are the ones that are usually the sweetest and kindest because they know how important it is. Because they've been there. So yes, you may know the darkness and hopefully you won't always or not as much but that's what will help you lift people and be there for people the most.
9 Years Ago
...........................wow.................that.............I.............wow. I just had writer.. read more...........................wow.................that.............I.............wow. I just had writers block after a poem I read by a friend for some reason, but I didn't know why. Now I'm having writer's block from what you just said...... that I can truly help someone, and that I can lift someone up..... I've had people say that to me before, and I've also had them say I'm sweet or kind when I don't believe it, and I've had people offer sympathy and hope my pain will end, but something about how you said that..... I've met people who've been there, but I dunno. It seems you've been there, and that you're different.... closer to me, to what I've felt. I dunno, I'd have to read your writing and see how close it is to mine. How much the thoughts are similar.
9 Years Ago
Noooo I don't want to give you writers block. Not after that, just spill it, however it starts, kee.. read moreNoooo I don't want to give you writers block. Not after that, just spill it, however it starts, keep going. just spill it. raw is the best. or so I think. I'm glad what I said made you wow though. It's true... I've been on both sides. You can really corner someone with words if you have the correct ones. You can't fix them. But you can definitely get them to realise things for themselves.
Lol okay. I agree, you can corner people and get them to think. It's funny, people ask me all the ti.. read moreLol okay. I agree, you can corner people and get them to think. It's funny, people ask me all the time if these writings are my final draft, and I'm like no. A bunch I just wrote really quickly. I don't like revising, and I think it's good enough as a first draft. All my ones that are revised or final draft's, etc, are either for school (I'm in creative writing) or they're for some of the things people have commented.
9 Years Ago
that's how mine are. they come out when they need to, very rarely get revised. I write cause it help.. read morethat's how mine are. they come out when they need to, very rarely get revised. I write cause it helps me not cause I do it well.
9 Years Ago
I agree. Writing is a way for me to not go insane.
I'm glad you liked it. Even right now, another friend in school is being bullied (funny how tehy did.. read moreI'm glad you liked it. Even right now, another friend in school is being bullied (funny how tehy did that again right after the assembly we had about it with hip-hop artist Judah) and then she cut herself and shes thinking about killing herself. I've talked to her, but it pisses me off because a.)It brings up so many past memories and anger, and b.) Why the hell would someone do that? Hurt someone enough they wanted to do that? Ugh, sorry, I'll delete the cussing if you want, it's a habit I'm trying to break. I'm not thinking clearly right now and I'm angry, so it's hard to think rationally. This is a higher level of anger than my usual. Anyways, I'm glad you liked it, and it's okay you didn't review right away. That doesn't matter to me. What matters is that you were honest and that you reviewed at all. And I don't ever, never, no matter who they are or what odds they're against, I never leave my friends.
9 Years Ago
Thanks for being strong ! u said nothing wrong.I myself feel worse at this type of situations .
9 Years Ago
No problem, like I said, I never leave me friends. And I believe I need to stand for what I believe .. read moreNo problem, like I said, I never leave me friends. And I believe I need to stand for what I believe in, and do as God has instructed and as he calls me to do. My life isn't for me, it's for him. I feel I have a higher calling in life. And besides, if God is with me, who can be against? You plus God against billions of other people equals you and God victory. Anyways, why do you yourself feel worse at these type of situations?
That was beautiful! I wish someone would say that to me. There are many days I feel like a beast. Wow, whoever she is, she's lucky to have someone like you. I hope she realizes that!
Posted 9 Years Ago
9 Years Ago
Well, I don't know about lucky that she haves me.... probably more like the other way around. I'm lu.. read moreWell, I don't know about lucky that she haves me.... probably more like the other way around. I'm lucky I have her. And one thing you should know no matter what is we've all got skeletons in our closet. We've all got a darker demon inside of us, that wants to hurt others and act sinful. The trick is to either kill it, imprison it, or just forget it.That last one might be hard, and the second one is just a tad bit better until it all busts out again leaving you broken in pieces, but the third one is the best with the least repercussions. I'm working on that right now. And so I saw her write that about herself, and I couldn't let it go unquestioned, I had to say something.
9 Years Ago
You're a very good friend, dear!
9 Years Ago
Well, like I said, I'm more lucky I have her. :)
9 Years Ago
Fine you win. Lol
9 Years Ago
:D Lol, it's just one of those relationships.
9 Years Ago
Lol. I hear you there. I've got ones like that too!
I enjoyed the poem. I like the twists and the thoughts. I liked how you led to the very good ending. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote
Posted 9 Years Ago
9 Years Ago
I'm glad you liked it. Some of the early lines are from her poems (the friend.) The rest is what I t.. read moreI'm glad you liked it. Some of the early lines are from her poems (the friend.) The rest is what I think.
9 Years Ago
You did well. Create a very good poem.
9 Years Ago
I hope I can continue that way. And I hope you continue to like my writing.
9 Years Ago
Please send read request. I work a terrible job. I will read soon as possible.
Read requests for my new writing as I post it? Or just my writing in general? And lol, I understand .. read moreRead requests for my new writing as I post it? Or just my writing in general? And lol, I understand you there on the job. And thx for deciding to read ASAP, just, again, how do you want me to send you read requests? I don't want to spam them...
9 Years Ago
Just touch read request on side. May need to be friend?
9 Years Ago
No, I mean XD I know how to send them... I just don't want to give you a lot so I was wondering if y.. read moreNo, I mean XD I know how to send them... I just don't want to give you a lot so I was wondering if you wanted me to just send them whenever I post new work or send one for every single piece of my writing.
It's simply beautiful, yet again you created another masterpiece!
I do like a lot your poems, I'm a fan of you now :)
Great poem!
Posted 9 Years Ago
9 Years Ago
Lol, I noticed you liked my poems since you subscribed to me, although I'm not sure what that means... read moreLol, I noticed you liked my poems since you subscribed to me, although I'm not sure what that means. Does it notify you when I post something? Or something else? Anyways, glad to have a fan, but I don't think it's a masterpiece... Anyways, glad you liked it. :)
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. I took some lines from 3 of her poems, all the negative things she.. read moreThank you! I'm glad you liked it. I took some lines from 3 of her poems, all the negative things she said about herself. Of course, it didn't say it was about her, but I've done that before too. I figure it was about her, so I figured I would say some of her lines then say what I thought.
Lol, well, based on her comment I'm guessing she likes it. At least I hope that means she did. :)
9 Years Ago
Yeah, I saw her comment. She definately loves it xD
9 Years Ago
:) Glad she does. Only I hope to hear it from her, more in depth in an email. I want to talk to her .. read more:) Glad she does. Only I hope to hear it from her, more in depth in an email. I want to talk to her more.
This comment has been deleted by the poster.
9 Years Ago
Lol, shut up C.G. XD We're just friends, and as of current, that's all. :p
9 Years Ago
Bleh.. Whatever:)
9 Years Ago
Lol C.G. :p
9 Years Ago
xD I'll let you be last to comment on this one, go ahead and comment.. I know you wanna
9 Years Ago
Don't tempt me...
9 Years Ago
Lololol who said I was tempting you..
9 Years Ago
Bleh............
9 Years Ago
Ugh.............
9 Years Ago
…….……sheesh
9 Years Ago
My phones gonna die:(
B back later to reply some more xD
Don't miss me TOO much LOL
9 Years Ago
Lol, I was on my friend's phone when replying to you. I'm replying via computer now. :p I'll be on l.. read moreLol, I was on my friend's phone when replying to you. I'm replying via computer now. :p I'll be on later, around 6 or so.
9 Years Ago
Ok:) :) :)
9 Years Ago
.......... :P That was 3 days ago but I'm sill going to reply XD
9 Years Ago
Ugh you're so complicated xD
9 Years Ago
*gasp* I am?????? O:
9 Years Ago
Lol we all are...sorta xD
9 Years Ago
Yes, that I can agree too.
9 Years Ago
Yep!!
9 Years Ago
Lol, I have to comment so meh :p
9 Years Ago
Do you know that stupid song that goes "I'm a cat cat! Check meowt! Im a cat cat! Check meowt! I'm .. read moreDo you know that stupid song that goes "I'm a cat cat! Check meowt! Im a cat cat! Check meowt! I'm a cat cat! Check meowt! Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow..."
I have no idea why I thought about that xD
Twas random..
9 Years Ago
No, I don't and that was really random. XD
9 Years Ago
Lucky you.. Once you know it, you'll never forget it xD
9 Years Ago
Lol, like "What Does The Fox Say?"
9 Years Ago
Yes! XD
My favorite part of that video is the grandpa on the side reading to the little boy LO.. read moreYes! XD
My favorite part of that video is the grandpa on the side reading to the little boy LOL
9 Years Ago
Lol, I think it's when they're in the forest and doing all types of weird stuff and the fox is just .. read moreLol, I think it's when they're in the forest and doing all types of weird stuff and the fox is just like, "........What the hell are you guys doing?"
9 Years Ago
Yes!! Lol
..........
9 Years Ago
XD Ugh, this computer I'm on keeps glitching and it's being attacked by ads, etc, etc. They need to .. read moreXD Ugh, this computer I'm on keeps glitching and it's being attacked by ads, etc, etc. They need to wipe it and start over. Too bad it's for the school.
I'm changing my name from The Resilient One to The Storyteller and trying to start fresh... believing in myself, believing in others, making this new personality I want to have... I guess I was alread.. more..