I Have A Dark Past (Part One) (Revised)

The revised version.

I have a dark past that seems it will last,

That keeps me in this emotional black hole of pain's deadly grasp.

I need to let it go as I have with so much already,

But my new life's boat has a dark mast.

I've become numbed as I hurt worse,

I want to stop feeling it but first,

I need to let it all go,

And just roll with the flow.

Because if I don't let it go it'll eat me from the inside,

Leaving me irrational and possibly saying my final throes, no longer alive.

Here and there will always have my past there,

And if I don't let it go, then badly will others and I fare.

It becomes my future and my throat it grasps,

And feels as if that hold will last.

Feels as if I'm caught and can't move, can't fight, like I'm in a full length body cast,

This weight I feel I wish wasn't there, wasn't my dark mast.

I have a dark past that seems it will last,

That keeps me in this emotional black hole of pain's deadly grasp.

I need to let it go as I have with so much already,

But my new life's boat has a dark mast.

Author's Note

Just tell me what you think. Also, does it need more changes? Is it better than the last one?

Reviews

[iNSOMniAC]

This is incredible! I could never think of a great way to describe my past, but this was simply beautiful. I could understand how you felt exactly, and I enjoy reading about people. Sorry, that sounded a little creepy. xD

Suggestions:

"I have a dark past that seems it will last,
That keeps me in this emotional black hole of pain's deadly grasp." -
"I have a dark past that seems it will last
And it keeps me in this emotional black hole of pain's deadly grasp." Loved this line, nevertheless.

"I need to let it go as I have with so much already," - "I need to let it go, as I have with so much already,"

"I've become numbed as I hurt worse,
I want to stop feeling it but first,
I need to let it all go,
And just roll with the flow." -
"I've become so numb as I continue to hurt worse,
I want to stop the feeling, but first
I need to let it all go
And just roll with the flow." Ha, Linkin Park reference. Anyway, I loved how you said "roll with the flow," instead of saying "go with the flow." It gives the reader an easier and smoother read.

"Because if I don't let it go it'll eat me from the inside,
Leaving me irrational and possibly saying my final throes, no longer alive.
Here and there will always have my past there," -
"Because if I don't let it go, it'll eat me from the inside--
Leaving me irrational and possibly saying my final throes; I'm no longer alive.
Here and there, I will always have my past back there," Dang, this was a nice stanza.

"It becomes my future and my throat it grasps,
And feels as if that hold will last.
Feels as if I'm caught and can't move, can't fight, like I'm in a full length body cast,
This weight I feel I wish wasn't there, wasn't my dark mast." -
"It becomes my future, and my throat it grasps--
And it feels as if that hold will last--
Feels as if I'm caught and can't move; can't fight, like I'm in a full length body cast,
And this weight I feel? I wish it wasn't there, I wish it wasn't my dark mast."

[The StoryTeller]

Lol, that wasn't creepy at all. Thank you for reviewing another of my works (seriously, you don't have to review them all XD and you don't have to do them all tonight.) and thanks again for the suggestions, I really like that last line, it adds a tone of desperation and finality.

[iNSOMniAC]

Oh-ho-ho! This is but a challenge for myself! I'm going to stay up until I read every piece. Unless my parents pry me off of my computer with a crowbar, like they do every night. (No, I'm just kidding. xDD)

[The StoryTeller]

Lol, geez! That's some determination. Both for reading my writing and for the joke. XD

[iNSOMniAC]

................. xD (I seriously hate the 10-character minimal thing.)

[Elie Marie]

From what I've learned, working through your past and the darkness will lead to acceptance and letting it go. Which sometimes needs to be done over and over.
You have beautiful words, you're an artist... you'll always feel things more strongly, you'll always have words pouring out of your veins. Let the darkness pour out with your words.
Just don't drown that artist. That's what keeps you your true self.

[The StoryTeller]

I agree. We do have to let it go, I just have trouble with it. As well as forgiving myself for my part in it. And wow. That was beautiful, what you just said about me.... I always don't believe that I'm good, but... maybe.... I won't drown him, I promise.

[The StoryTeller]

Do you think I should make it into an epic like I'm thinking?

[Elie Marie]

It takes time, you'll get there.
I think you should do it if that's what you want to do. It could be great.

[The StoryTeller]

Okay, I'll work with it. If you read the note for reviewers from the first version, you'll see my idea for the epic.

[♥ Ari Skye ♥]

Love it. Yes, I feel it's a bit better than the last one. You added a little more feeling to it. A bit more imagery. I like it. Keep going, I think you're headed in a very epic direction!!

[The StoryTeller]

Yeah, I tried to added more imagery so that you could understand what I was trying to say, and so I could paint a picture of my past and my pain like I have with my other writing. Therefore, I also had to add more emotions. It couldn't be completely separate from me. And the only way to do that as I saw is to add 2 more stanzas dedicated to that.

[♥ Ari Skye ♥]

Exactly. You're getting it down pat!

[The StoryTeller]

Well, I still think it could use work, but I'm glad it is being received better than the first.

[♥ Ari Skye ♥]

I believe as artists, we constantly evolve, learn, and grow. We are never fully up to par in our craft. There is always something we can do better. Even the greatest minds thought that way as well... It would be boring if we knew it all quickly, or wrote incredibly the first time around. We wouldn't want to write again for fear of failing. At least this way, we can write with hope of improving each time!

[The StoryTeller]

I agree. I heard once that Eminem to be better at rapping spent time each night reading a dictionary. Lol. :p

[♥ Ari Skye ♥]

Yeah. That works. I did that once. Read the entire A section. Don't ask me why. I don't remember the definition for every word, but it definately broadened my vocabulary!

[The StoryTeller]

Lol, maybe I'll try it someday.

[♥ Ari Skye ♥]

Only if you're super bored. LOL

[The StoryTeller]

Well, just like Eminem, I need a wide variety of words to know for when I rhyme so I don't say the same thing over and over again, using the same rhyme scheme.

[♥ Ari Skye ♥]

Very true.. I supose the same could be said for me.. I need new words for my poems..

[The StoryTeller]

Well, lets get to those dictionaries. :p

[♥ Ari Skye ♥]

The unabridged versions.. That will takes us years to get through! Lol

[Lizardo]

It's better, and like I said, another great poem!
I do love it alot!

[The StoryTeller]

Lol, and again, I doubt it's that great, but ok, if you say so. :)

[SheDragon16]

I like it. Very nice not sure which one I like better the first one or this one both are great.

[The StoryTeller]

Lol, as wordydistance said, the first one lacked more flow. This one lacks it too, but only because I decided to make it more free verse. I'm glad you like both. :)

[Wordydistance]

I think the second stanza was much better, but besides that you extended your lines. It has a real problem with flow. You have a good idea...but I don't know what to tell you.

I've been studying, reading, and writing poetry for years now and I've found that outside academic circles and the ingrown mutant that we call a community poetry is dead. Nobody reads poetry, except for poets; poets who want positive critiques on their own works. We want a little nudge in the right direction here and there, but in the end we want strangers...lots of strangers to tell us it's good. No one critiques this dying art. Sure there is genius out there, but that is more by the massive amounts of works created. There are thousands if not tens of thousands of works on this site that have been published but never read by anyone but the author. Why am I stammering on? Because I'm trying to warn you about the false praise. You're going to get a lot of it. In the poems of your that I've read I've seen it, even below me. Why? 1) Like I said before everyone wants positive reinforcement. 2) It's hard to critique post modern work. If the author doesn't like your critique they'll assume you're just "a poor uneducated peasant unable to understand the true depth of their soul." 3) It feels good to say something nice.

So believe me when I say that this version is overall worse than the original. The original was a simple fix, with a good idea. It was a little wordy, but had potential. I can see you trying to remedy that in the first two stanzas, but afterwards it's just a ramble. I'm sorry if that's upsetting, and I'll leave you alone now.

[The StoryTeller]

No, no problem, I'll see what I can do. It's purpose isn't so much to flow, as it's free verse for this one. I fixed the first lines, but felt it was too short, and therefore added two stanzas, but I'm thinking for right now I'll keep it the way it is. I might work with it later, but I have so much I'm working on right now otherwise between school, etc, that I don't really have time to continue to critique. Anyways, thanks for the feedback. As for the positive reinforcement, etc, I notice it. I just hope if people are going to say something they're going to be honest, so.... Thank you for your honesty on what you feel.

[Wordydistance]

flow doesn't mean rhyme

[The StoryTeller]

I know, I just figured you meant rhyme. That's what everything seems to be these days. But I assume now that you just mean that the words should blend together, and they don't for you.

[luvs2write]

I really found this true...It seems so hard to let go of things, and I often find myself living in the past. It's almost like you're too scared to change, and it's easier to just live in the past...for me anyway. "Because if I don't let go it'll eat me from the inside." That was my favorite line. I think when you let bad memories roll around in your head, it's like acid burning you up on the inside until you are all withered and broken on the outside. I like the image you did with the boat, too. Nice work!

[The StoryTeller]

Thank you, I'm glad you liked it. Yeah, the boat is an image of me, my new life, floating in the dark stormy ocean of my pain, my past, and every other negative thing in this world. I often feel like I'm under acid rain, and like I'm in a storm that no one can reach me through. I agree, it truly does eat you up when you roll it around, which is why my head is my most deadly place to be. That's why in my poem "The Body, The Mind, The Soul" I said that about The Mind. Anyways, glad you liked it. :)

[Cool Girl]

It flows better than the last one. I really like it! You use the words grasp and mass a lot, but I assume you did that on purpose. Thank you for sharing your wonderful work with me! :)

[The StoryTeller]

Thanks, I'm glad you liked it and thought it was better. That was on purpose, it was to show both the intensity and create an effect where you felt the same desperation as the narrator (me, in this case) and would feel the grasping too.

[Cool Girl]

Cool! You're welcome:)

[The StoryTeller]

Lol, well, I'm glad you liked it. And seriously thank you for reviewing, and commenting too. So many people review but don't comment.

[Cool Girl]

Yes indeed. Twas a pleasure xD

[The StoryTeller]

Mmmmm k. :p