What It Feels Like

A somewhat depressing (and rather longish) short story written for English class a couple years ago. It uses my fellow students as characters, with myself as the mildly autistic K'. Be forewarned - there is death, though not too graphic.

Lyrics referenced belong to Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails, not to me. I'm just borrowing them for a bit.

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    K' looked up from his book as he felt a weight shift in the seat next to him. He glanced sideways to see David's friendly grin and expectant expression. Evidently he had asked something, K' realized, and took off his headphones to lay them aside. "I'm sorry, what?" he asked, blinking and tilting his head.

     "I just wanted to know if it'd be cool if we sat here," David repeated, gesturing vaguely behind him. "Sarah and I felt that the other guys were being a bit...immature, y'know?" It was only then that K' noticed the shy brown-haired girl still standing in the aisle of the plane, hands clasped before her, waiting to be invited to sit.

     "Oh, yeah. Sure," K' replied, returning to his book, but finding himself unable to concentrate. He watched the two out of the corners of his eyes, and made no move to replace his headphones. It would not do to cut off one of his senses in the presence of strangers, he decided.

     Though that wasn't entirely true - strangers they were not, for they had spent that last few months in the same fourth period English class at their high school, as many of the passengers on this particular flight had. Together, they made up Mrs. Conway's English II honors class, and they had won a writing contest and were being flown first-class to England to attend the awards banquet. K' grimaced at the thought; he'd rather have stayed home. Other than his passion for foreign culture, he had little interest in taking this trip, and he had groaned at the idea of spending so much time surrounded by his "peers," who were, at best, casual acquaintances. He was not exactly a social creature.

     Still, there were a few perks involved - he turned his head slightly to peek stealthily at Sarah, and then quickly ducked back behind his book, a small smile on his face.

        Then, in the next moment he was on his feet, eyes alert and muscles tense as two sounds like gunshots came from the cockpit. A few seconds later, a very calm voice over the intercom broke the dead silence of the rest of the plane.

     "Good day, passengers, this is your co-pilot speaking," the voice informed them casually. "I've just had something of an epiphany. You may not see it, but I do - the hopelessness of your lives, filled with pettiness, mired in sin. You see," it continued thoughtfully. "I couldn't help but overhearing some of your conversations earlier, and I began to worry for you, for your immortal souls, God help them - truly, I did. But have no fear!" the voice declared, triumphant. "You are young yet, and so not as set in your ways. And I do, certainly, hope that this little event will serve to open your eyes and your hearts to Our Lord and Savior - and soon, too. I'd suggest you start praying to Him now, if you're to make up for lost time."

     Again there was silence, and then a quiet, tentative laugh from the front of the plane, quickly cut off as the door to the cockpit slammed open, and the owner of the voice stepped out. "Have you all made your amends?" he asked, his voice frighteningly pleasant. "You've not much time."

     Suddenly the reality sank into the students' heads, seemingly simultaneously, as many started to scream and several made an attempt to charge the co-pilot. When their eyes met the barrel of his gun, however, they all silently agreed that it was not, perhaps, the best of plans.

        Panic was widespread, shared by most of the passengers; they could very much feel the plane barreling headlong toward the sea, and it was not an idea they relished. Amid the confusion, no one heard the smashing of a glass microwave plate against a counter top, nor took note of the quiet, expressionless teenager edging through the crowded aisles toward the front of the plane. No one, that is, but David, who paused to watch K' curiously, then, realizing his intentions, formed a quick plan in his head.

     "Hey, Tall, Pale and Merciless!" he shouted, stepping up in front of their captor. The man smiled kindly, and raised his gun to point at Dave's left eye.

     "Ah, a child eager to meet his Maker. Very well -" he said, then said no more. K' grabbed the co-pilot from behind and, in one swift, confident slice, tore open the man's throat with the jagged glass. The man crumpled to the floor as K' dropped him coldly and turned toward the cockpit. The mess in there seemed not to bother him either - his blank countenance disclosed not a trace of what must have been happening behind the porcelain mask he always seemed to wear. David shuddered, then joined him, leaning over the control panel. Or, at least, what was left of it. Clearly, only one of the shots fired was meant for the pilot. David winced as K' cursed and slammed his fist on the panel.

     "We'll have to jump," K' muttered, still staring intently at the controls, willing them to work. "There's nothing more that can be done here." David nodded, then turned back into the cabin.

        "Come on, people! Calm down. Now, we have to get out of here, preferably while we're still over water, and relatively close to land. See? There's an island right there, and if we jump now, we can probably make it there..." He trailed off, recognizing the futility of his efforts. Instead, he grabbed Marie as she was pushed up against him. "Marie, we've got to jump, and you've got to help me get the others -"

     "No!" she cried, sobbing. "It doesn't matter! We're gonna crash, and we're gonna die, and it doesn't even matter anymore!" She tore away and into the crowd, leaving him staring helplessly after her. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder, and he looked up with a start.

     "Leave it then," K' said gravely. "We'll go, and if they've any sense, they'll follow."

     "And if not?" David demanded. "We can't just leave them here." K' chuckled dryly.
     "Of course we can, and we must. Either we save ourselves and hope they do the same, or we all die. Hardly a choice." David looked after him, disbelieving, as K' stepped toward a window. "We aren't far from the ground, now. It should be safe to open the door, and it's probably now best to do so." He scowled at the door, the grasped the lever, pulled it hard, and shoved the it open. Then he stepped aside, gesturing for David to go through first. Dave closed his eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, and dove out the opening, and into the water below. K' watched him fall, then, assured of his relative safety, turned back into the cabin. Sarah was standing there, behind him, tears drying on her face. "Come," he said gently, holding out his hand to her. "You go now, and I'll follow after, and then all we can do is hope for the best."

     K' dragged himself, exhausted, onto the damp sand of the beach. It had been a longer swim than he'd estimated, and he'd also had to keep the others focused on moving while they kept looking back at the sinking wreckage of their plane. Chris and Kyle had been the only two to make it out after them; normally loud and cheerful, the two were strangely quiet, as were they all, as they wondered at the fate of their classmates. K' looked back, once again, as he forced himself to stand. There he stood, still for a moment, his back to the others, watching as the tip of the tail of the plane slowly sank beneath the waves. "May God have mercy on our dirty little hearts," he muttered, the song ringing true in his head, and sighed. Then he turned back, helping the others to their feet, and the group slowly made their way to higher ground.

        K' first removed his wet shirt; he'd had the sense to remove his shoes while in the water - they'd only have dragged him down - but he'd decided his clothes could come in handy. He hung it over a low-hanging branch, then set out to explore his new surroundings.

     The island was fairly large, with sandy beaches surrounding a small, dense forest of tall trees. He felt confident in its ability to sustain life, certainly for a little while. The trees provided shade, even some fruits, it seemed. There was likely to be fresh water toward the interior - he'd have to find that - and there was no shortage of wildlife around. Overall, he came back from his short, preliminary exploration in relatively high spirits, only to be confronted by Kyle as soon as he re-entered their "campsite."

     "We have to go back out there," the teenager told him boldly. K' paused for a beat before taking a seat in the sand and responding:

     "I'm afraid not."

     "What do you mean?" Kyle demanded fiercely. "We have to see if anyone survived. We have to help them!" K' crossed his legs and looked at each of the others thoughtfully in turn. Kyle matched his gaze steadily, while the others looked down at their feet.

     "There are no survivors," he stated simply, turning his attention back to the makeshift leader. "And to die for a hopeless cause would be a Very Stupid thing to do." Kyle just sputtered at him for a moment, then straightened his back, towering over K'. K' was, to say the least, not impressed.

     "Well, I'm going back." He told him, then whirled around to face the rest of the group. "We can't just sit around here while our friends drown out there! Those are our classmates out there, and our teacher! We have to go out and check; we have to at least try." For a while the three just sat quietly, thinking, until Chris, reaching his decision, stood and took his place beside Kyle.

     "He's right. We have to try," he told them, his voice low but resolved. David furrowed his brow, clearly doubtful.

     "But K' has a point. The plane's almost completely submerged, now. Anyone who got out we would've seen already, and those that didn't..." He clenched his jaw; he couldn't even bring himself to think it. "Either way, it's dangerous. Of course, if we see someone swimming, we can go out -"

     "We have to try," Chris repeated, determined, and David fell silent.

     "Very well, then. Try. We can't stop you." Chris and Kyle looked back at K', surprised. K' just shrugged and met their eyes. "It's a foolish and useless mission, and what you do find, if anything, will not be uplifting. But, if you must, then no one here will hinder you." He looked at each of them in turn. "Go on then. Get a move on. Time is of the essence, yes?" The two boys exchanged glances, thrown off guard and suddenly doubtful.

     "We...we have to. For them, right?" Chris said, then watched K's reaction, or lack thereof.

     "Yes, yes. Of course you have to," K' sighed impatiently. "You run off and kill yourselves playing hero, if that's what'll ease your mind. Good luck with that," he offered sardonically, "but I really think we sensible human beings would rather stay here."

     The boys took a deep breath, then nodded, their jaws clenched. “Come on, Chris,” Kyle said to his friend. “Let’s go.”

     No one spoke as the two pushed past them, heading for the shore. As they walked, Chris’s hand brushed against Sarah’s arm; she caught it in her hands and looked up at him meaningfully when he paused. She seemed to be about to say something, then simply nodded and let him go. He nodded back and continued toward the water. The three remaining stood to watch them as they dove in and continued to watch as their figures shrank into the distance, toward the setting sun.

     “We should gather some food and water, for when they come back,” Sarah said, looking to K’ for confirmation. He did not immediately reply, but continued to simply stare – he made no movement, no sound – nothing to betray his thoughts. Then he turned, heading back inland.

     “They won’t be coming back.” Sarah did not respond, but he could hear her soft sobs from behind him, and rolled his eyes. Even so, he paused for a moment, and closed his eyes briefly. “Pax vobiscum,” he whispered, then looked back over his shoulder. “Come now. Let’s set up a proper camp before it gets too dark.”

 

     That evening, K’ sat silently staring at the fire, compiling a mental list of all that had to be done in the morning. They would have to find a way to collect more of the fresh water he had found, and boil it as well. More food would have to be gathered, animals noted and observed, weapons made to defend against any hostile creatures they may come across. Time permitting, they could try and build a more permanent shelter - though he was hoping that they wouldn’t need it – and make sure to stock up on firewood…

     “K’?” Sarah’s soft voice broke him out of his reverie and his head snapped up to look at her, slightly startled.

     "Yes?" His face immediately went blank and he tried hard not to notice the firelight glinting off her hair, illuminating her face; how the breeze tugged at her now dry and still ridiculously pink shirt; how her eyes seemed always round and damp, like a kitten's, and her shyness, her slight awkwardness around him only exaggerated the likeness - a branch snapped off in the distance, and they both jumped.

     Taking a deep breath, Sarah seated herself next to him. David was at the edge of the forest, collecting small branches to be used as kindling. K' looked down and studied his feet, noting the cuts he had sustained throughout the day and watching the breeze toy lazily with the small grains of sand before him.

     "Do you really think we're the only ones that made it?" The question surprised him, and he blinked and furrowed his brow at the sand. Of course they were. The plane sank, they would've seen anyone else.

     But to Sarah, he said only, "It's a very real possibility. The plane must've completely filled with water, so they would've had to get out to survive. And as we haven't seen anyone..." he tried to keep his voice gentle, but it hardly mattered. The fact remained - everyone else was gone.

     "You don't really care, do you?" K' looked sideways at her, confused. "I mean, you didn't really like any of them, right? And then you jumped without them. And the way you just...with the co-pilot, and...did you just not care who died?" There were tears in her eyes, now, and K' looked away again. He stilled for a few moments, in thought, unsure of what to say.

     "Of course I care," he sighed eventually. "It was...well, it was simply a matter of survival. Either they died, or we all died. Not much of a choice." He sat up and met her eyes. "I had hoped more would see and follow us, but they didn't, and yes, I feel as though I did all I could."

     "But it doesn't bother you now? You aren't going to cry, to mourn? Nothing, like they never existed? Like it doesn't matter?" K's jaw tightened.

     "We've no time for that," he replied harshly, standing and turning away. "For now, we survive. We can mourn later - assuming we even have a later." And with that he stomped to the far edge of the campsite, where he intended to sleep, leaving Sarah to stare incredulously after him.

     It had been several days, and they were doing alright. They had built a fairly sturdy structure of branches and vines to protect them from rain and wildlife, but K' still preferred to sleep outside. They had a good storage of food, mostly fruits and edible roots, in a corner of their hut, and a decent supply of water, boiled over an open fire and stored using a few buckets and containers that had been washed up on shore. They had been grateful to find such useful tools, but no one wanted to think about from whence they had come.

     Though the non-human inhabitants of the island stayed mostly to the forest, some of them had become increasingly and decidedly curious. K' had appointed himself delegate from the human camp, and met those that came from the forest to investigate. The animals, mostly small mammals and birds, having never seen a human before, didn't think to be afraid; they were cautious at first, but soon took a liking to K', then ran back to tell all their friends that the strange creatures on the beach posed no threat. Sarah watched them interact, K' and the natives, and smiled.

     K' was happy with them, and she couldn't remember ever seeing him properly happy. People always seemed to make him nervous - he was suspicious of them by nature - but he got along well with the wide-eyed and fuzzy little things that sniffed and pawed him scrutinizingly before eventually climbing onto his lap or shoulder to be petted. He understood them, clearly, and knew how best to quell their fears and ease their suspicions - something other humans never seemed to know how to do with him. And so he spent the time that wasn't devoted to gathering, building, cleaning, exploring, or sleeping playing with his tiny new friends, and laughing.

     Of course, in the meantime, he had kept a noticeable distance from Dave and Sarah.

     It saddened her that he felt he couldn't trust them, and Sarah dearly wished she knew how to just get a little closer, how to get him to tell her what was happening in his head. She feared she had scared him away before, offending him by accusing him of being as unfeeling as he appeared. She had been upset, and had made a mistake, but the last thing she wanted was to push him away, and she only hoped that she could make up for it with time. But he had been sure to keep himself busy, and so she had never had the time to really talk to him; he seemed to work especially hard to make sure of that.

     K' had, in fact, in between befriending the natives and doing the other necessary work, begun a new project. He had discovered another small island off the one on which they had been stranded. It appeared to be completely covered with trees, and K's was curious to find out what was over there, but he had estimated the water in between to be too dangerous to simply swim through. Instead, he decided, he would build a bridge using wood from the forest. He had already, over the past few days, started driving makeshift poles deep into the sand as supports; he could do that for quite a way out, where the water was shallow, but there was a sudden drop off a little more than half the distance away, and he would have to find pieces of wood, entire trees perhaps, long and sturdy enough to reach from the last of his supports to the opposite beach. It wasn't too much of a stretch, certainly, but it was a taxing job, especially alone and at night when he often worked at it, after his regular work was done and the others were asleep.

     Then, one night, David found himself awake at an unusually late hour, when it was still dark and all was still. He got up quietly and exited the hut, trying not to disturb Sarah. He was amazed by how bright it was outside, with the moonlight glinting off the waves and white sand of the beaches. Suddenly a loud thump broke the silence, followed by the screeching of startled birds.

     "Shhh," he heard a voice say from a part of the island obscured by trees from his view, and the screeching trailed off. "If you're going to stay and watch, you must be quiet, I really do insist." Then there was a soft chuckle and the sounds of something being dragged across the sand. David, noting K's empty sleeping spot and recognizing the voice as being his, was nonetheless as cautious as possible as he crept around the trees. The dragging sound stopped, and there was silence again, and Dave felt his heart beat fast in his chest. He peeked around the bend and saw a felled tree trunk lying where it had been dropped in the sand, and two night birds staring curiously from a low-hanging branch, their heads tilted comically. He straightened and stepped closer and, a moment later, saw K' step into the moonlight.

     "Next time," he told David, "you may not want to sneak up on me like that, especially at night. You'd be surprised how close you came to being poked to death with a very pointy stick. Scary, isn't it?" K' showed the stick in question to Dave, then smiled a bit and dropped it. "The moonlight can play tricks on a man's head, make him paranoid." Then he looked off into the distance. "But then again, I suppose being trapped on a deserted island and fighting to survive every day could do that as well," he added thoughtfully, then shrugged and returned to moving the tree.

     "Do you need some help with that?" David asked, reaching for it. K' immediately tensed, then paused and relaxed, and even managed a little smile.

     "Sure, I guess I could use the help." Together, the dragged the trunk over to the edge of the water, picked it up straight, then "lowered" it with a thump onto the supports. That done, Dave looked up at his companion, who had turned to gaze back into the shadows between the trees. "That might be enough for the night. My arms have had enough." Dave nodded, but neither made any attempt to move.

     "So, what're you planning over here, anyway?"

     "Building a bridge, to the other island." He gestured vaguely. "I figure, if I can just make it over, I can use some of those trees there to make supports on that side and make it strong."

     "Okay, I can see that, but why?" K' look taken aback, as though he hadn't considered the question before.

     "I'm not sure. Just to see what's there, I suppose." He shrugged. "Hey, while you're here, would you want to walk with me for a bit? I'm not tired yet." Dave smiled. K' had never been so sociable before, and this seemed like a good opportunity to get to know him.

     "Sure. I can't sleep either."

     They walked in silence for a while, K' padding through ankle-deep water, watching the flow of the tide. David, for his part, watched K'. He had never thought about it before, but he was curious; he knew nothing much about the guy, except that he didn't like people to know much about him, but it had never really bothered him before now. It was almost as though he had never seen K' as a real person before. Now he could almost laugh at the idea. Oh, he was real alright. He was so real he was nearly unreal.

     "You and Sarah seem to get on well," K' commented, his voice casual, but his stance slightly tense.

     "Yeah." Dave replied. "We're good friends. I've had a few classes with her."

     "So you...you like her, then?" Dave pondered that for a moment.

     "I suppose I do," he finally admitted. "She's such a sweet girl, y'know? I like being with her, just talking, laughing - it's nice." He watched K' carefully for his reaction, and noted a fleeting expression dance across his face - a mixture of relief and disappointment. When he didn't respond for a few moments, Dave was afraid he had upset him.

     "...Good," he said as he met David's eyes. "You two, you're good together." By then, their feet had led them back to the camp, and K' simply nodded a good night before turning his back, leaving David to wonder what had just happened.

     That night, just before he fell asleep, he heard a deep, low voice behind the hut, singly softly:

          "But the sky is filled with light,

          Can you see it?

          All the black is really white,

          If you believe it.

          As our time is running out,

          Let me take away your doubt -

          We can find a better place,

          In this twilight..."

             It's been well over a week since our Fall, K' thought to himself, high spirited and vaguely amused despite it all. He'd stopped paying keeping track of the passage of days. It hardly bothered him anymore. He mostly concerned himself with the present, and presently, he was sitting on the small island off the shores of the larger one they had first landed on, proudly admiring the work he and David had done to finish the bridge. They'd found that the island was mostly a miniature version of the first, with similar trees and wildlife, and K' had expected nothing more. He enjoyed wandering through the trees when he had the time, singing more boldly than he would have in the presence of others. Dave and Sarah didn't visit it much; they recognized his need for solitude.

     Lately, he had needed it more than was usual. He shied away from David's attempts to start conversation, and completely avoided Sarah. Whenever she neared him, he merely gazed at her with sorrow-filled eyes, and slunk away liked a kicked puppy. It hurt her to see him like that, and eventually she couldn't stand it anymore and took to keeping David company instead. Since then, she had often caught K' watching them from a distance, and when he noticed, he would only smile sadly and turn away. It frustrated her, but she had no idea what she should do.

     Finally, fed up, she marched over the bridge to his island, determined to not let him slip away.

     "K'?" she asked, ignoring the startled look on his face. "Can we talk?" He winced and nodded, avoiding her eyes. She took the opportunity to seat herself next to him, and he occupied himself by prodding some kindling in the flame with a stick. It was apparently a very interesting activity, as he stared intently into the flames rather than look at the girl next to him.

     "Do you hate me?" she asked, and he shook his head quickly without even turning to face her. "Then, may I ask why you're avoiding me?" She heard him give a short, nervous kind of laugh, as if he couldn't believe the ridiculousness of her question.

     "Why, come now. I'm not -" he jumped when he felt her hand on his shoulder, then jerked his head around to look at her. She looked at him as severely as she could, and K' had to stop himself from laughing - she was just so cute, sometimes. He sighed. "I'm sorry," he told her. "I just don't think I can do this anymore." Then he stopped, his eyes got unfocused and he stared right through her; he tilted his head, listening intently - if he had been a cat, he would have effectively pricked his ears. Then his eyes got wide, and focused again, staring just over her shoulder toward the larger island. Sarah turned around, and found her voice first.

     "It's a helicopter! They've found us!" The two jumped to their feet, and Sarah ran excitedly across the bridge, making it halfway across before realizing that there was no one behind her. She turned around, and stopped dead. Before her was a growing wall of flame, with K' standing behind it, torch in hand, watching her mournfully.

     "Go on, then," he said, nodding in the direction of the helicopter. She waved her hands.

     "Come on, you've got to jump over, you can make it -"

     "No," he stopped her, offering the saddest smile she had ever seen. "That's alright, love. You go." She started mutely for a moment, before the anger registered.

     "You can't just - exactly what do you think you're doing?!" Behind her, David called their names, but she waved him off impatiently. "Now I know you don't care, because if you did, you wouldn't do this to us!" His expression got pointed, tense and angry enough to make her recoil and reconsider her words. She had struck a nerve.

     "You really don't get it, do you? I have to do this! I'm doing this because I care, so don't you even dare -" He paused to take a deep breath, and folded his arms. Then, in a more guarded, almost bitter voice, he spoke again. "You'd better hurry. This is a wooden bridge, after all, and not a terribly sturdy one at that." But Sarah had already noticed that, and was edging away from the oncoming flames as he spoke. She huffed, whirled around, started to stomp off, paused, whirled back around, and pointed a finger at him, her other hand on her hip.

     "Yeah? Well there's something I've always wanted to say to you first." He arched a brow and watched her impassively, waiting. "I - just...ah, hell! You're such an idiot!" she yelled, throwing her fists down, twirling around and running to the opposite shore. Once she got there, she stopped, out of breath, put her hand to her chest, and whispered, "You're an idiot, K', and I love you." David looked over her head at the island, and watched the bridge collapse in on itself and fall into the water, once again isolating the small land mass - and, in the same moment, severing the connection with its lone occupant. K' watched as David took Sarah's arm, and led her around the trees to where the helicopter hovered, blowing up sand in their faces.

     The two teenagers climbed the copter's rope ladder, and fell gladly into the arms of their rescuers, who covered them with blankets allowed them to curl up on small cushions on the floor. "Hey," said a strong rescue worker with a gruff voice. "Was there anyone else down there with you? Anyone else who made it?" Both David and Sarah looked back down at the island below them sadly. When Sarah looked back up, there were tears in her eyes.

     "No," she replied, her voice choked. "We were the only ones."

     While some distance below, an odd, quiet young man, with a twisted sense of responsibility, sat on the sandy shore of a small deserted island, and watched a helicopter fly away.

Reviews

[.Mary-Kate]

An addicting read.
Terrific job! Your work has style. :)