Chapter 4: Outbursts

Saku was well aware of how the mysterious caller plagued Kim Ji-Hoon’s nights… every time she heard him arguing on the phone, knowing that it was someone other than his boss or band mates… Saku took note of how after each call, Ji-Hoon was becoming edgier and more confrontational. He was called in for work constantly and band performance was always a follow-up. Homework was piled high and the daily visit to the hospital wasn’t helping…

Saku was constantly on the receiving end of Kim Ji-Hoon’s anger flares as well… the nonsensical reasons weren’t the only things he was snarling about now. It was her constant want to help him through his stress… the persistent offer for help that was constantly refused… and no matter how agitated he would make her with the snide retorts or the insulting comebacks, Saku continued to try to help… but to no avail… no matter what, Kim Ji-Hoon was determined to fight alone… and Saku continued to reach out, for she knew quite well that fighting alone never helped in situations such as those…

But it wasn’t just Saku Kim Ji-Hoon was unknowingly affecting… as the time went by, his constant pessimistic attitude about Yoo Ji-Min’s recovery began to take a toll on Hyun-Woo and now Seo-Hyun. The children were now fully aware that their mother’s condition was very serious… there was no hiding it… and it left the two in tears every night…

Months were going and Ji-Hoon was so worked up by everything that he was soon wearing himself down… and… no one could approach him… The rest of Baddobōizu were quite worried about their lead singer/guitarist… his condition worsening each day… Saku even caught wind from Goshippu that Ji-Hoon had collapsed on stage, not just once, but a few times before on plenty of their previous performances … but the older male still refused help… so much that Saku ended up hitting her limits…

-Kim Ji-Hoon was lying down in his room with the door closed

-Seo-Hyun and Hyun-Woo were watching TV

-Saku was agitatedly cleaning up the kitchen

“A few months… and you still won’t let me talk to you… you know what…?”

-Saku placed the bowl she was washing back into the sink and stalked over to her belongings, producing two headphones, a headphone jack, and her CD player

-She walked over to the children and handed them the CD player

“Listen to it really loud… not too loud, but I don’t want you to hear… okay?”

-She spoke directly to Hyun-Woo, knowing well that he knew what she was about to do

-When she was positive the two wouldn’t hear a word, Saku stormed off to Ji-Hoon’s bedroom

-Taking a deep breath, she opened the door and ran in

-Ji-Hoon didn’t respond at all

-Saku, feeling anger at that, started her rant

“I have grown so f*****g sick and tired of your attitude for the past few months! I try to help you and you constantly refuse! I know that everything is weighing you down, you constantly tell me that, but can’t you at lease let me help you?! Look, you’re constant pessimistic attitude is not helping with the children either!”

-Ji-Hoon’s eyes flickered towards her and he sat up, that cold glare sharp as daggers

“You just don’t know how to keep your nose out of other people’s businesses! If you’d just leave me alone and let me handle everything, then there would be no issue! I can handle myself! I don’t need counseling from some previously depressed twit who can’t even take care of herself!”

-Saku rounded on him

“I’ve given you time! Hell I’ve given you months! And I can so too take care of myself! I just want to make sure you don’t end up like I did! Ji-Hoon, this stress is going to drive you into your grave! If you’d let people help you then it wouldn’t be an issue! But no! You want to do everything by yourself! I just want to help you d****t!”

-Kim Ji-Hoon’s temper flared to life

“I don’t want your help d****t! I don’t need your help! And what help could you offer me, huh?! Another hospital bill to pay for, you freaking disaster magnet?!”

-Saku began to yell

“I never asked you to pay for that hospital bill in the first place! And I never asked for your help, yet I still took it! I knew how to accept another’s hand; even after all I went through! I just don’t understand why you can’t simply accept my offer!!”

-Ji-Hoon raised his voice as well

“Because I don’t want to accept it, why can’t you get that through your thick skull?!”

“Well, you need the help in the end! I know how much of a toll this is taking on you! And I know how it feels!”

“What do you know?! You don’t have to deal with as much s**t as I do! You don’t have to manage a band that can’t even function without you! You don’t have to deal with a screaming crowd almost everywhere you go! Your family member isn’t in the hospital, comatose for what, five months has it been? You aren’t being pestered by some control freak in another country! And you aren’t protecting and sheltering a troublesome little brat who can’t keep her nose in her own business and can’t stay out of trouble! I barely get any more sleep and to have to always watch out for you and my cousins… to make enough money to live… it’s horrible alright! And you… you are a constant thorn in my side!”

-Saku was truly taken aback by Kim Ji-Hoon’s response…

-She found herself freely shedding tears as she fought to come up with an answer…

 

“Am I really such a pain to him? Am I so troublesome? In my attempt to help him I’ve become such a burden… something I didn’t want to become…”

 

-Ji-Hoon coldly continued on, oblivious to Saku’s now falling tears

“You… you are the most troublesome pain in my a*s… you, always injuring yourself… or causing me so much trouble… You aren’t even worth the trouble! You are a constant worry that I can never rid myself of… you are a pestering twit who can’t leave anyone alone! You always have to have a hand in someone’s troubles! And you always think you know what everyone is feeling, don’t you?!”

-Saku took a shaky breath before speaking

“… I never wanted to be a burden… but… I never realized how much of a pain in the a*s I’ve become… after accepting YOUR offer to live in your house and watch YOUR cousins…!”

-Saku became angry again, the tears still falling

“And if I was such a burden then you should have kicked me out long before! If you want to be alone then fine! You can fight on you own! I’m not going to extend my f*****g hand out to you anymore! D****t, you don’t want to accept my help then fine! But know that I have dealt with those fans of yours and I wasn’t on the friendly receiving side of it! I’ve seen and felt how your fans could be! And I know damn well how bad it is to lose a family member, hell I lost both my mom and dad! And you know what? I’ve worked two jobs and went to school before! I know what it’s like to fight to survive! You aren’t the only one stressing about s**t, but you are the only one who can’t seem to cope with it! You just don’t seem to realize how you are affecting everyone else around you!”

-Saku suddenly paced around the room, grabbing her belongings and piling them on the bed

“And if you want me out so bad… the thorn in your side… the pain in your a*s… then your wish is about to be granted! I found an apartment that I can stay in and I’ll leave tonight! If you want to deal with all your stress and trouble on your own then fine, do as you please, I won’t stop you!”

-Saku raced around the house, packing up her things

-About half an hour later, Saku had piled her suitcase and instruments by the front door

-Seo-Hyun and Hyun-Woo had taken off the headphones by now and were tuned in to the argument…

-Kim Ji-Hoon growled at her

“So you are just going to leave? It’s about time you finally took care of yourself!”

-Saku hissed

“Yeah, I’ll go and stop burdening you with my pains and troubles! You can continue on being the intelligent b*****d that you are!”

“No problem Drama Queen! Don’t get killed while you’re not under my care!”

“I won’t die! I survived up until now and I’ll keep on living! Have fun living with the pressures of life!”

“FINE!”

“FINE!!”

-And with that… Saku actually stormed out of the house, towards her new apartment… after signing the contract…

-She was so angry… but still, she couldn’t tune out the cries of Seo-Hyun and Hyun-Woo behind her

-Before leaving completely, she gave Hyun-Woo her cell number and promised to see them at school

“Your cousin may be an a*s but I’ll still make sure you guys are well taken care of… don’t cause Ji-Hoon any trouble now…”

 

Saku… after a good amount of talking and signing… was finally in her own home again… while unpacking, she found herself shedding tears… when her little amount of belongings was finally set up, Saku settled herself by her parents’  prayer alter… and softly cried…

“I just didn’t want you to end up like me…”

Later that night, Saku found herself recalling those dark times from her past… where she spiraled into despair, much like Ji-Hoon was about to… when she had no one there to comfort her but Tsuyoi… how she refused help… how she let the little things stress her… how she let life collapse on her…

And throughout all of this… she thought of how she blindly opened up herself for Ji-Hoon just for him to plunge a knife into her chest…

“You can’t trust or help anyone these days… it only serves to leave you titled a pain in the a*s… or a thorn in the side… damned fool…”

 

“But… I can’t help but wonder… am I the more fool?”