The Fallen King

The Fallen King

You feel a sudden jolt

Like you were hit by a lightning bolt

As the world in front of you fades away

You realize all this while you were led astray

All the kind people and gentle smiles

Chip off like an old mansion's mosaic tiles

All of a sudden you can see people masquerading 

Praises that are shallow, they keep serenading

You were born a king, the blood in you is royal

Yet.. yet in this world you cannot find many that are loyal

People form friends and alliances and many betray 

They were the people you trusted and promised you they'd stay

Misfortunes and woes pour in like a torrent

You're too weak, you get swept along the current

You wake up in an unknown land, not your final destination

You face your inner demons, and let them feed on your frustration

You've got no energy and no reason to fight

Once a great king, now not worthy of even being a knight

They feeling gets strong, the one that makes you want to give in

That was the last straw now you've committed the biggest sin

Vile creature! You were supposed to vanquish them

Not join their ranks and lose yourself, you were such a gem

You still do not care, you say it is better than the pain

The one you carried like a burden in hope your demons would be slain

Now you are the evil that you once tried to conquer

You had to overcome them but instead became their anchor

The foolish man who had to pass the tribulation

Gave in to false promises and speculation

People will learn about a fool

Who lost his sense and right to rule

A king who lost his valor and pride

Which he couldn't regain no matter how hard he tried

It will be accounted for word to word

Because the pen is mightier than the sword

Your deeds will always be remembered

To remind people that their days are numbered

Author's Note

The picture was taken from http://machiavellicro.deviantart.com/art/Fallen-King-404679911

Credits to MachiavelliCro

Reviews

[JayG]

First, Rhyming couplets work best in short pieces. On an extended poem they tend to give a choppy feel.

Of more importance, you're forcing the line to the rhyme, and reader's don't react to that well.

From a reader's viewpoint:

The first line tells me that I feel a "sudden jolt." That could refer to either physical or mental, and the uncertainty is confusion, not mystery. And if I feel something I should know what it is. But of most importance, you newver say what it is, or relate it to the rest of the poem.

The second line clarifies, but only to an extent, so the reader is expecting you to clarify further. But you don't. You tell me that "the world in front of ME fades away. But since you haven't placed me in any world, nor created any situation—and since my world, clearly has not faded—I have no clue of what you mean.

And the fourth line mixes tenses, and talks about things for which the reader has no context. You know what's going on, but you have intent guiding you. And intent doesn't make it to the page.

And when you say, "Chip off like an old mansion's mosaic tiles" I can tell you from personal experience that mosaic tiles do not chip away by time, and When removing them you do not chip them away, and y more than you would bathroom tile. But you needed a rhyme for smiles, so you dripped in a non sequitur to make the rhyme, as you did the line that carries serenading, and more.

Ideally, the rhyme should seem almost accidental, and the words—which carry only the meaning they suggest to the reader, based on THEIR background—express the thought so perfectly that the reader is moved to say, "Damn, I wish I could say it as well."

Sorry my news isn't better, but you did ask, and I thought you would want to know.

[wordman]

this is a great story my friend !

[BThomvanWart]

Hey Sage! So, I enjoy the concepts you have in this piece. The idea that people succumb to who they try to avoid becoming is definitely a great story to tell. But, I think you arc away from your main topic and begin to incorporate other details and analogies. In doing so, your piece does suffer and the meaning behind it is astray. You have a really great base to work with, so I don't think it would be difficult to reword or straighten out the areas of the piece that branch off into other references. y'know? It's still good work, Sage! Keep it up! :)