The Fall

The Fall

Hey there, pretty face!

I know there have been a lot of things to say

You might think I'm crazy or insane

For who would even try this hard?

Well, there are fools and then there are romantic fools

I just so happen to belong to the second sort

Hopeless, not really hopeless

You are my bright, inner mind

You knock sense into me when it's needed

Like how someone knocks an arrow in a bow

It's just that the arrow does not leave, and you too will not

They say people fall into tricks and traps like love and all

Little do they know, 'twas that year's fall

That I couldn't help but fall for you

Not the little tricks and traps people talk about

But for your grace, wit, charm and soul

So, let me ask you- "Will you stay?"

If you don't, well there's nothing I can say

But let me get this straight,

I'm there for you whenever you need me

I won't leave you for any reason

Be it hot or cold, sick or health

For that matter, any season

I'll be there for you 

Times might change, just like the wind

The feelings might seem subtle

Deep and ripe, they will become with time

The last leaf might fall, but my love will not

For, let me make this clear

This is not an option, it is the only truth

I'll be there no matter what you choose

You're the one thing I'd never want to lose

Author's Note

This is the first time I'm writing a poem without rhyme. I'd really want to know your thoughts on this piece. Thanks in advance.

Reviews

[Cody Jeremy Thompson]

Eh lil' slice of affection tipped with some metaphors. Oh sorry that was a summary not a critique let me try again. There's nothing that really stands out or uplifting nor that emotional. Now a part that I could be a bit of an arse for is: Like how someone knocks an arrow in a bow It's just that the arrow does not leave, and you too will not. Following things are mostly nitpicks but whatevs. First is the comparison you made, a nice comparison mind, that is followed by a pretty needless line in which you are basically saying: it's like that thing except for this and this, which kinda ruins the impact of the comparison. Now the other thing about it is that you say that she won't leave but in few other occasions you ask her whether she'll leave. No I don't have anything better to do than write overlong comments on other peoples' works. Now that I've said everything negative I could think of about this poem let me say that it's ok and did have feelings spread trough it though with a bit stronger metaphors,comparisons and a bit more rhyming,as somebody below recommended, it could go from ok to good or pretty good and make those feelings leave a bigger impact on us . Oh and don't take these reviews of mine too hard they are meant to be extremely negative so that the person could improve their writing as much as possible after each poem/story rather than to offend that person or make them feel bad.

[Sage]

Thanks for taking the time and effort to go through it. The not leaving and asking not to leave were two complete situations and contexts. I could have made it rhyme a bit more, but this is the first and only (as of now) verse that I wrote without rhyme. Thanks again for reading! I'll try to improve on the other aspects.

[Cody Jeremy Thompson]

I hope you will and I'll check your other poems as well.

[BThomvanWart]

I like the concept you've created for this piece, but I think there's some areas that could use some clean up. You use a few objects as metaphors and symbolism, but you almost end up diminishing your work's value by forming a double negative with them. An example would be the knocking of the arrow from the bow. I would, actually, revise that stanza as it reverses itself. What I mean is that you say something to the affect of "You won't leave" and then in the same stanza you also say something like "You will leave." If it's a conflicting emotion, definitely separate the two into different stanzas. Poetry, much like general writing, needs to be concise or the nature of the piece gets muddled by too much conflict. You say this is the first time writing in prose; poetry without rhyming. I would offer this, in regards to this being your first jab at it; You write very well. This was a fantastic attempt at prose, but I think if you go back and review and clean up this piece, you'll see that the organization of it is ricocheting from one emotion, to another, and back again. If you'd like me to break down this piece further, mail me. But, I also respect that as a fellow writer, this is your work and yours alone. If you see it as being well written and prefer not to change it, I will respect that. Best of luck, Sage! And keep writing!

[Mary Helda]

Awwwwww...was that for me? *blushes*...i'm kidding...now this is what a call a beautiful,sweet and playful love poem ....great job:-)

[Arghya Samaddar]

Poems, as I think doesn't really need rhymes. Objective is to express the feelings in such a way that it touches the readers heart, The objective has been fulfilled

[Tiffany K Charles]

wellll.... I had no idea that you felt this way about me..... I mean.... sheesh..... I knew you liked me but..... on my.... LOL..... this will make any woman feel very special..... you did a wonderful job of making me feel like you wrote it just for me.....

[Sage]

Haha, if this isn't constructive, I don't know what is! Thank you a lot!

[Leran Vakem]

Love make fools of all men. This come to mind when I read the first line of the second stanza.
I enjoyed reading it, and I can related to it. Keep them coming.

L.V.

[Sage]

I'm happy you could relate to it. Thank you.

[Coyote Poetry]

The question of love.
"So let me ask you once more,
Will you stay or will you go?
I'll be there no matter what you choose
You're the one thing I'd never want to lose"
I like the song "Should I stay or should I go." The escape question come to life often in a long life. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Sage]

Thank you.

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome.

[.]

A fabulous piece, Sage. If only we could all have a special someone write to us like this. A job well done!

[Sage]

Thank you Doodley. Hope you find a person soon!

[Nisreen]

You seemed to have made love come to life with such intensity
such beautiful words

[Sage]

Thank you :) I'm glad you think so!

[θεά]

This is such an honest poem! Liked reading it very much.
Thanks Sage.

[Sage]

I need to thank you for reading it and appreciating it. Thank you :)