Chapter Nine: Education

The only other time I really experienced Lenore causing such a ruckus inside was when I was in school. School used to be really difficult for me. When I was younger Lenore was much harder to control. She was loud, distractible, easily excited or intrigued. Always filling my head with her desires; of course it was an internal conflict of sorts--seeing as how she always wanted the opposite of me.
I loved to listen to the lectures, and take careful notes.
I loved to stare out of the window, doodle and daydream.
I’d want to hide within myself. The silent observer, I knew the answers but never wanted to be called on. I understood the children but wanted nothing to do with them.
I loved to be the center of attention, I wanted his intellect to be known and admired.
During lunch or recess, I would prefer to stay inside and read.
I longed to go outside and play.
It was these struggles that made it so hard. Especially when the teacher would ask a question. Because I almost always knew the answer-- and though Lenore would mean well, she would throw me into misery and panic. The teacher would look to the class expectantly, and if no one knew the immediate answer Lenore would start up;
Lionel! You know this! You know this and it’s SO EASY. You’ve got to do it! Tell her! Look, no one gets it, she’ll never understand your brilliance! Come on!!

Lenore, please. I don’t... I really don’t want to.. they’ll... they’ll all be looking at me... it’s.. I don’t like it...

SO WHAT? It’ll be FINE, who even CARES?! You’ve GOTTA do it!

Lenore.. it.. it makes me so nervous, o-okay? I don’t...

DO IT DO IT DO IT! Why are you so QUIET? You’ve gotta do it WHY AREN’T

YOU RAISING YOUR HAND? COME ON LIONEL. DO IT NOW. NEITHER I, NOR ANYONE ELSE WILL EVER HAVE ANY RESPECT FOR YOU IF YOU DON’T DO IT RIGHT THIS MOMENT LIONEL DO YOU HEAR ME?!
By that point, I would begin to grow incredibly restless. I wanted to shrink away from her words but I couldn’t, and she wanted me to raise my hand. There were eventually a few possibilities;
#1: I would cave and raise my hand tremblingly, looking pathetic and sad. The teacher calls on me and I stutter out the correct answer quietly. Afterwards I would refuse to speak to Lenore for the rest of the day.
#2: I can’t handle the stress and I have to remove myself from the situation by leaving the classroom. No excuse, no asking. I just needed to leave.
#3: I bite my lip until another child calls out or the teacher moves on. This third option was the most common, but Lenore would badger me endlessly about it for hours afterwards.
But nothing she did to me in class was nearly as bad as what she did to me outside of it. I hated kids and socialization, but any time I had even the slightest interest-- Lenore would never let it drop. I recall I had a mere interest in a girl in early high school, once. Beginning of my sophomore year, I believe. My mild attraction was a complete fascination to Lenore and I would never hear the end of it.
Lionel! Are you eyeing the young and lovely Cassie Tristan?!
Uhm-- yes. She’s a lovely girl. I mean, she’s smart.
Well if smarts are what you’re thinking of, then you probably shouldn’t be admiring her hips.
Sh--shut up! I’m allowed to do what I want! Besides, I should have my own mental privacy. And she also just has a good body.
Mhmm. Why not ask her out?
Are you mentally challenged?!
Why not?
BECAUSE I am NOT socially adept enough for that! Yes, she’s... attractive and smart and professional but there’s no way I can please her. I’m far from romantic, I have the physique of a girl with breast cancer and can’t even strike up good conversation. This is simply a distant admiration, that will probably fade over time or something. For now, I am allowed the occasional stare and grin.
Phht, you’re pathetic. Just ASK HER OUT!
I refuse.
P***y.
Watch your language.
You’re not my mother! Why don’t YOU ever swear? You’re in HIGH SCHOOL! loosen UP.
Fine, Lenore. I’ll swear just for you: Please shut the f**k up about Ms. Tristan.
Only when you take your eyes off of her.
These fights would often carry on for hours throughout the day. I am told often that teenagers have internal conflicts due to their new surge of hormones and body changes, but I really doubt any of them had to deal with a sibling consistently in their own heads. In fact, I partially blame Lenore for my disinterest in women and dating. Not to say I’m not attracted, or even disinterested in the idea of dating entirely but I cannot imagine the anguish of attempting to woo a woman while my sister is not only watching, but making comments on the entire ordeal. Oh good god.
Of course, I never allowed these internal issues to affect my grades. I would always get straight As, with the unfortunate occasional B. My fault!
My parents-- unlike most overachieving children did not push me to get good grades. My Mother only really cared if I got under a C+, which is reasonable I think. My Father on the other hand did not care if I got low grades, but rewarded me kindly for good ones. Gentle loving praise and every successful semester of my “excellent school  work” would get me a night out or some other delectable treat. Of course, the rewards were hardly my motivation. I just always liked work, studying, learning. Being smart and achieving in on itself is what I strive for, regardless of outside opinion or reward. There’s just something so... fulfilling about knowing what I am capable of.
I feel like I can do anything if I put my mind to it.
My mind is all I have, really. All I can truly believe in. And yet-- I share it with my twin sister.

Hey!

Lenore, sister I love you, but you are dumb.
Though even in the crowded dorm room of my mind, I can still find solace. I have never been an especially needy man when it comes to personal space. If I am given my own little corner, I can make do. My mind is my temple, even when shared.

Author's Note

I absolutely hated writing this chapter.
But now that I am FINALLY through it-- I can start to really get to the good stuff!
PERSISTENCE WILL PREVAIL!

Reviews

[Ras Fish]

You may have hated writing this, but it's beautifully done and gives me a better Idea of the relationship between Lenore and Lionel. Keep it up, and finish the new chapter soon! I am gonna die soon if I can't read it xD.

[Ivy Navillus]

THAT is what I needed to hear! In the next one he gets to try out one of the other therapists! ;D

[Ras Fish]

Oh god, I can't wait now xD also before I put up the next chapter of Following me you should check it out and pre-approve it for me xD

[Ivy Navillus]

Oh on the docs?
Yeahsure

[Ras Fish]

Cool thanks xD I need an editor to survive, also I am like 2 chapters ahead of the readers(I hope I have) on my page.

[Ivy Navillus]

Ahhh
Yeah I'll look at it

[Ras Fish]

Okay, thanks a ton.