Love or something like it.

When is it ever enough? How many times does it take the human brain to f*****g use all it's neurons and whatever the f**k else and actually send the message to our lips to say, "No more." Do you know that science actually claims the brain to be the most amazing, complex, intellectual object in the universe? And it can't even teach us to learn from our mistakes. If our brains are as good as it gets then we are absolutely fucked. Cause one thing i've learned is that everythings indirectly connected in life. Our brains should work normally, but there's a glitch in the chord, it's called our hearts. And our brain is in a constant war between sides, each part has it's own individual views. One side may think logically while the other may see things more sympathetically being the emotional end. The emotional end is what we refer to as the heart. Your logic may be wiser, but your emotional end is what prevents you from becoming hard or unsympathetic. Take bambi, it's logical to know that we need food, we need it to keep our heart pumping, to feed our cells, to keep our brains running, and to metabolize our bodies. So logically hunting a deer is basic human survival, taught for many and many of years. But emotionally, along with the deep heart wrenching music played in the background, something upsets us about seeing bambi blown to pieces. It's that throughout the movie you actually bond with this character, you see that he has a mother (who is coincidentally blown to pieces first) and a father, and he has friends, just as everyone else. And you can relate to this, so that when he dies being courageous as we are taught is the correct way to be, something strikes a nerve. That's the way it is with love...or even infatuation. Cause to the brain, it's practically the same thing. Logic tells us that feelings are irrelevant. It doesn't matter because once they hurt you, you know they don't care as much as they could. Ultimately telling you, "Hello, is anyone in there? Because I'm watching you drown yourself in something you're not going to know how the hell to fix." And all the while you know this but you always have that other thought, the glitch that sometimes interrupts the initial thought. And it's that thought of the look in their eyes when they spill their heart to you, tearing up, blaming how they were raised or how they grew up on the way they treated you. Or blaming themselves, or the drugs, or the money, or even you for their lack of care and inconsistency. And you feel you're the only one standing there, you feel a responsibility, like you owe them your time and patience for them to hurt you over and over. You throw yourself into the deep end for them to stand on the shore and watch you drown. You're ridiculous if you think even for a second that you stand a chance with someone like this. You know why? Sure it could be their fault, maybe their insane, or mentally unstable, or grew up in a bad home, but in reality you're probably just... not the one. If you were they would never even begin to imagine doing any such thing to possibly jeapordize what you have. They would bend any which way, even break, to make sure they see you smile. And when this doesn't happen, when they are unsure, or unreliable to you, then you're not the one. But on the other, better hand, they're not the one either. And maybe there is no particular "one" and if their is, how do you know that you will ever find it? You don't, but if you're going to spend forever with someone, at least find someone who can respect you. The butterflies, the "to die for" body, the head over heels ordeal only lasts so long. It's true, even the best of relationships will tell you there was quite a few times when they felt nothing for that person at all, and that's fine. Because life is day to day to day to day, and you lose track of what's in front of you when you're constantly in a rush to get ahead. But it's when you wake up a few days or weeks or even months later and look over and see them resting on your shoulder. And all you can do is pray to god that moment never ends because even after all that time at that moment they had never looked so beautiful to you. This is what love is. It's not meeting when you're sixteen, laying in roads, and saying things like if you're a bird i'm a bird. It's not jealousy, or envy, or disrespect, and it's certainly not perfect. But it is loving someone so much you can easily say that hands down you'd give your life for them. They're your best friend, and even though you could live without them, you'd be miserable at best. I thought I knew love, and maybe I did for a short period of time. Holding hands, kissing cheeks, smiling from ear to ear, favorite candies, chain smoking out bed room windows in the middle of night, late night conversations, laughing and snorting at each others lame jokes, listening to them snore horribly in your ear... but refusing to move cause you don't want to wake them, waking up next to them and for once not feel lonely, but content, happy with where you are. Maybe I knew it, but what was once good went so bad. And I guess that's a whole nother blog in itself, falling out of love. It's about forgetting those nights, forgetting the laughs, the cries, the cigarettes, the candies, the hand holding, the kissing, the snorting, the waking up to them, because that's over. And never will you have this with them again, and even if you did you can't let yourself. It's a ticking time bomb and the last thing you want to do is walk closer to it. Logic speaks and kicks you in the a*s, and you have to face reality. And that's when you meet people like me, who have let it all go, who don't believe in the impossible. I'm a ticking time bomb, and you just never know how I feel. The majority of the ones I seem interested in, I couldn't care less about. And the one's I care about the most are happy elsewhere. It's pathetic really, but living without the things I once knew as perfect, has made everything else seem like a f*****g waste. And I guess until I find perfect, I won't be satisfied at all and will continue to mess up and f**k with your heart. Take what I said and take it all in cause yes it applies to the writer too, i'm not perfect that's why i'm writing this. If I f**k with you, leave, because you are not the one. It's really that simple. I use big words and make it fancy but this is all as simple as you make it, it's what you've always known just never considered. Stop being ignorant to others, the world is a f*****g jungle and you're completely on your own whether you realize it or not. Eat or be eaten, and the only way to get respect is to earn it. And the only way for someone to respect you is if you first learn to respect yourself, same thing with love. And listen to your reasoning, your common sense, your judgement, your logic, and your heart, all equally, then make a decision. You'll mess this up a million times, but when you finally find that you've got it right, then congratulations, you have now found love.