An undying love (a true story) rough draft part 2

A story of young love in early adult hood. First love, first homes, and heartbreaks. These are excerpts I've been working on. A publishing company in NY wants me to working on some excerpts.

I remember the course of my blood pumping through my veins. The silence of the room gave away the pace of my beating heart as the thumping in my veins grew louder and louder as I looked to your saddened expression crossing your face at that moment. Your lips were drawing down and began to slightly quiver as you looked straight through my eyes piercing my soul with what was left of us. A tear slid down and fell off the tip of your nose but you never looked away. The only reason I could see you in that dark room was because of the moon shining in through the shades. Remember those shades?

 

 

We were drunk and parked in the front yard and stumbled in kissing our way through the house. We never even shut our front door before falling backwards and falling into the couch. We stopped just to laugh hysterically and I was lying with half my body on you, my leg wrapped over you while you lay on your back. I had my arm upon your fast beating chest. Our laughing grew slower as did our heavy breathing chests and we looked at one another and I just dropped my head and shook it laughing again when I felt you lifting your head back behind you laughing. Sure we were laughing because we fell but there was also an understanding that onlookers would never knew of if they could have seen us. We were laughing every time we met eyes that night because we both couldn’t look away and nothing had ever felt so real, so passionate. There is a fine line between life and death and I believe that line is love. And I was living on that life line with you. I jumped up and ran for the bed room taking off articles of clothing along the way you followed after me doing the same. I remember you falling against the door frame trying to get your little skinny jeans off your heels. You shut the door and you turned around to me standing in front of you, naked. This was the first time I had ever stood directly in front of someone just naked and raw and myself. I was so exposed and so afraid I felt my heart beating through my chest as it does tonight as well. I had no clue what your next move would be, I mean I assumed you wouldn’t be rude even if you weren’t impressed, you’d probably f**k me. It wasn’t the first time you saw me naked. Though there is a huge difference in seeing someone naked while f*****g them in a bed in a dark room then to see them standing there as the human they are. You stumbled over to me and for a second I questioned my actions and looked away from you. You took your fingers and placed them beneath my chin and lifted my face up to yours. You smiled at me as you undid your bra and let it simply fall off. You kept your eyes locked on mine through these entire next few steps we made. I took a step closer to you and slid my fingers tips down the sides or your torso and down your hip bones and underneath the strap of your thong. I slid them down as I went down looking straight up at you the whole time. I wanted to pursue my urges right there but instead I came back up because it wasn’t the time, we both knew that. You felt my bare body sending chills at first. I felt the little hairs on my neck and back stand straight up. You felt like a cold gust of air after running out of the ocean. You made your way with your lips across parts of my body that no one had ever kissed nor has to this day. I’ve kissed many lips but no single pair of lips have ever kissed me the way you have. Soon things were speeding up and we were laughing and smiling and kissing and feeling each others body and the alcohol was still pumping through our bodies as we lost our balance. We fell backwards and I was against the wall as you dropped to your knees. I was so lost in ecstacy and so lost in you that I didn’t even think when my feet started slipping on our wood floors I grabbed onto the blinds on the window next to me and pulled them as I quickly lost grasp and fell down. You laid over me and asked very aggressively, “Oh God, are you okay!?” It was a matter of a second after that the blinds fell down and landed right on top of your back and on both our heads. You’d think this would have been a complete mood ruiner but you threw those blinds and spread my legs and drunkingly slurred, “Nothing will ever come in between you and I, not even some damn blinds!” We laughed and you leaned up to press your perfect lips against mine and then you kissed your way down.

 

 

That next day we woke up in bed tangled up in one anothers naked bodies under a pile of covers. We woke with headaches, whether it had been from the alcohol or the blinds, I guess we’ll never know. From this point on I was never afraid of my body in front of you. I was not ashamed of it, you were crazy about my body as I was yours. After rolling around kissing and cuddling and smiling for about an hour which was not uncommon for us to lay around all day doing this you looked over at me and asked if I wanted a cup of coffee. I nodded yes to you as I smiled. When you got up I was taken aback like usual at your tight a*s walking until you left the room and I saw the blinds that I had forgot all about. You came back and I was laughing, you asked me what was funny as I pointed to the blinds. “Well I guess you never have to ask me if you were any good in bed…” I laughed. You and I tried putting them back up over and over and couldn’t. We got dressed several hours later and took the last of the money we had left over after the rent and bills were paid and food was bought to go find some new blinds. You and I could never stand a room that wasn’t complete and total silence and darkness. We were lucky enough to find a set of blinds at Wal-Mart on clearance for like ten bucks. We put them up to realize they were return blinds from someone else and at night there was a lot of little slivers of light that shot through like beams across the room. As hard as it made it to sleep at times, it was easier to see your face when we spoke. I liked that.

 

 

And who would have thought some day we would have been sitting across from one another in the light beams staring at each other unable to speak a word. I couldn’t cry like you were, I couldn’t feel a thing. You had felt others lips, you had touched other bodies. You had never planned on me opening the door that day and seeing her naked body on our bed. You said you were scared of what we had and the love was too intense and so much for you. You had said sorry to the point I think we both mutually knew there wasn’t a need for you to say it anymore. You were the one who made the word ‘sorry’ lose its meaning to me. I felt as though I was shedding a skin of who I was. I wasn’t that same happy and comfortable woman you made me believe in. And in the same I was watching you change, you weren’t the same honest, courageous woman that I had believed so much in. You didn’t want this to end this way, I didn’t either. But you weren’t the first to make me a fool, though don’t let me fool you. I have made my victims but never out of honest love as you did with me. You kept reaching for my hand, I didn’t move away, I didn’t hold your hand, I didn’t move at all. When you’d hold my hand I’d let you hold it but I wouldn’t hold it back. When you’d grab my face and look into my eyes you kept repeating, “why won’t you look at me? why?” I didn’t understand because I was looking at you and I told you that. “You’re looking at me as though you’re dead, there is no life in your eyes anymore. Come back to me, I am begging you. I can’t lose you…” I didn’t want this. I didn’t choose this. To be frank, I didn’t know my eyes even looked that way. I just knew when I looked into your eyes I just saw memories. I saw us having body paint wars and exchanging writing and music between each other. I was thinking a lot about the littlest of times like when we’d be doing the dishes together and you’d kick your leg up behind you to kick me in the a*s and I’d do it back and then we’d push each other and flick water at each other and end up in each other’s arms laughing. Or when you came home from work one night and it was very late and I was very worried cause you had been on the road for hours. You came in with a big fritos lays box that I guess you’d buy if you bought a big quanity of frito lays. I couldn’t figure out why you’d do that, I didn’t even like them and I was pretty sure you had never mentioned liking them but you came over and we made love. As we were laying there after smiling and breathing heavily looking at each other smiling. I heard a small grunt at the end of the bed. I looked at you so confused, “What was that?” You grew the biggest smile, “I got you the one thing you’ve always wanted that no one ever got you.” I was clueless off the top of my head thinking… “chips?” You laughed and you turned on the light and put the box on the bed and said, “Well lean over here and look in…” I leaned over to see a tiny black puppy smiling up at me. I was so in love all over again. The world couldn’t had been more perfect in that moment. We sat up for hours playing with her and cuddling her and loving on her and tossing out names. It took us almost two weeks to name her Jane because we were that ridiculous together and everything had to be perfect. It’s these little things I’d remember that made looking into your eyes so different. I’m not sure if you even know you’re the first and only person who’s been able to get me to keep eye contact with them. I feel too uncomfortable making eye contact, especially for long periods of time. But you were always my exception. And while I was at a lot of times your exception to many rules, I guess there were some old habits that die hard and temptation was too much for you, for our love. Doesn’t it make you sad to realize how life gifts you with the perfect scenery and then rips the rug from right beneath your feet and you fall and bump your head and when you lean up to open your eyes, nothing is the same. When I opened my eyes we weren’t the same. And if we were there was no way to go back to it. If there was even a sliver of hope I would have grabbed on to it. I would have clutched it in my hands and never let go while it grew back. But there was never an option. Love that like grows with such a flame and it just keeps growing, it never sizzles out or starts to burn out. It just grows and grows and grows until one day it is completely wiped out like the only proof of that love on fire would be the memories between the two of you and the stomach knots, headaches, and heart aches that would last when thinking of this person and the times you shared. Nostalgia would eat us alive from that moment on. The only anger I have towards you is that you took away any chance of us making our happiness work. There wasn’t even a sliver of hope left. And almost two years later I still miss you daily. You were in my dream last night, you were protecting me from myself. I was fighting you off asking why you even gave a f**k. You kept responding, “I will spend the rest of eternity protecting you, I couldn’t protect you from myself but I can protect you from anything else including yourself.” This dream hit me hard when I woke up but it’s one of many dreams I have of you. Sometimes I wonder if you ever think about me. I know some bad blood came with our break up but we were so in love. We were the best of friends. How can you have all of that and not give a single honest thought about that person? You must think of me. Like the wind blowing through the trees I feel you when you’re thinking of me. I think you feel me a lot of the time. Maybe we think of each other at the same time. Maybe in this moment while I write this you are sitting and thinking each word that I write out. Maybe somewhere down the road we will meet and as different of people as we may be by that point we will still see our young selves in one another. And maybe we’ll introduce our lovers or maybe we’ll be alone and go share a coffee. Maybe one day we’ll love again. But I think that flame burned out. It doesn’t keep me from wondering.

 

 

Wherever you are tonight, I do love you and my heart is with you. You never have to worry about losing that.

Author's Note

ignore grammar problems. this was just wrote out within the last few minutes and put on here it was a free flow writing so it has not even remotely been edited but the feeling is real so keep an open mind to that.