I remember the day I decided to move with you. We were going to begin this grand adventure without any direction or sense but we were going to take the plunge together and make our lives in another state. I remember the night when all of our things were packed and loaded in the back of a van, we went in your moms barn and smoked some medicinal weed your brother had sent from California. We were sitting on the ground with the back doors of the barn open watching the sun fall down behind the trees and the hills. Your step dad's radio was playing from when he was working earlier, it was still playing some old rock classics. It wasn't our cup of tea but we knew every word and could get down to it easily. You jumped up as the sky had grown dark, I thought you were ready to leave. You said, "stand up." I looked up at you as you held your hand out to me. I studied you for a minute and looked into your eyes as I reached out for your hand and you pulled me up from the ground. You kept the eye contact when I thought we were about to leave. You just stood there across from me, the only light was the bright moon shining through the doors and the holes along the wood. A song had changed and it was a cheesy song from the 80's I think it was meatloaf, maybe. We both began to laugh as I dropped my head shaking it embarrassed that we both had just made a silent agreement that we both knew the song. I saw you lift your arm and I watched as your hand reached out towards me with your palm and your fingers facing up. I said, "no," and laughed and turned around to go shut the barn doors when your voice echo'd through me, "Eden..." I stopped and looked down shaking my head yet again with a tongue in cheek, closed mouth smile. I turned around your head was to the side, you were smiling, "come on," you said. I walked over closer as I placed my hand into yours and for a second we didn't do anything. It was just my hand on top of yours feeling the crease of the lines on your palm that told things to me I still could never say. You finally took my hand and you pulled me in. I was standing in front of you as you lifted my left hand with your right pulling them up and you placed your left hand on my side, as did I on yours. I guess this was a little 'middle school' or maybe you wanted me closer but you placed your left arm around and your palm was suctioning to the small of my back. I was looking towards your shoulder, too afraid to make eye contact. I guess it was more of a fear of what you were going to see when you looked or what I may see, that we both may see that I was in love and maybe that you were too. You pulled me just close enough so that our faces were within reach of one another. "This song..." I said as I looked up laughing. I heard a tiny laugh from you also. When I came back down we were eye to eye, face to face, body to body. And for the first time in my life, I couldn't look away. It's cliche but you had not only my mind in a trance but my entire body, mind, soul, every inch of me. In that moment you had me like no one had ever had me before. And it wasn't sex or making out or even the touching of our lips. It was so intimate and any embarassments or insecurities I had prior were falling away like the wood chips along the aging wooden planks surrounding all around us. But all I saw was you. We swayed together staring into each others eyes as if we were having a conversation of purse silence. I understood everything you were saying and by the smiles or smirks or facial expressions you gave me I could always tell you knew exactly what I was saying. Towards the end of the song you leaned in, I thought it was to kiss so I tilted my head. "No, we have plenty of time in the world for that," you whispered. I looked back into your deep eyes the color of the ground late in the fall when the sun shines its rays along the grass and the brown leaves. And you leaned forward and put your forehead to mine and closed your eyes, as did I. We were so messed up in our heads and so messed up in our beds but we both knew right there that we never had to say what love was or wasn't. You always said you were bad with words and knowing what to say but you never had to say those three words, though you did. We never had to do any of that because right then and there I knew exactly what you had to say. We spoke through the entire song without a single word. When the song ended you squeezed me so tight like you knew you could lose me eventually, like something this good could never possibly last. I knew it because I thought it too. This was only one out of many times that crossed our minds. But I grabbed onto you just as much just another second to hold onto that moment before the radio DJ played the next song. "This has been your host of 100.1 KISS FM!" We let go and we went and closed up the barn, you went and turned the light on when an old ACDC song came on and so we danced again. Only this time it playfully jumping around together with our air guitars and acting like we were so much younger than in our early twenties. But we didn't care and I thank you for that. You turned the radio off, we went out the back door and we walked to your mothers trailer. We had to share the living room and while normally we'd sleep on opposite couches to avoid the awkwardness of your mom this night while laying on opposite couches and the lights off I was trying to sleep but couldn't stop thinking about how much I wish we were in our house so I could be next to you like always. Especially after what had just happened in that barn, I needed your touch, your breath, your forehead to mine. You must've still had been listening because I didn't hear a sound but within minutes of thinking on it I felt your hand on my arm. You started to help adjust my body so that I turned on my side facing away from the couch and you laid on your side facing me. We couldn't see one another but we fell asleep within minutes like my missing piece was there. The missing piece to my late nights awake and my heartbreaks and the tears I've cried. No one ever tries to explain how long a moment really is. To me that moment lasted seven months and in that moment you changed everything. Some things better and some things worse... But I still want to dedicate this piece to you as a token of my appreciation for who you were, who you are, who you can be. You had a part of me that I never give away. And all of the beautiful memories will forever intertwine in my mind through every chord, stem, cell, neurotransmitter in my brain. And you will always have a part of my heart that I could never again give away. Not necessarily because I am afraid but because that part is yours. For better or worse, I hope your life is filled with joy and happiness and great health. I hope you stand your ground but know when to let your stubborn guard down. I hope you never miss an opportunity. I hope the sun shines for you when you can't find a reason to get out of bed anymore. I hope love finds you again and you find it in yourself to write about them the way I write about you. I hope sometimes I cross your mind and you wonder how I am and you miss me but I hope it doesn't burden you as much as it makes you smile. To get back on track, I just want to end this with a thank you and an I love you, till there is no more love to give. Someday my life will end and you will be a film I will watch time and time again. Goodnight sweetheart, wherever you are, whatever you are doing, I hope you sleep well tonight.
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