Heaven's Wheel - Prologue

A Monster Hunter-based fic, currently unfinished, uploading the prologue just to show it off and maybe get opinions?

Prologue

“Alright, kid. We can get you to Val Habar, but no further. Who knows what kind of trouble any of us could get with the Wycademy if they found you on board.”

He smiled, a crack in his cold expression. He nodded to the crew member behind him, and raised a hand to signal their dismissal. The crew member walked off, back into his quarters, leaving the stowaway behind.

He sighed, continuing to look over the giant sea of sand as the boat rushed through, looking back where they had once been, a large corpse of a Dah’ren Mohran laying in the sea, groups of Remobra circling overhead. He sighed once more, continuing to run the cloth in his hand over his bloodstained blade, hoping to remove all he could. At least his newest kill earned him the respect of the crew on board, allowing him to finally convince them to take him to the desert town of Val Habar. He wiped his blade more, smiling at the small discharge of draconic energy from it. Good to know it still worked. He could sharpen it up and could probably lay waste to any more monsters that threatened him. He was still confident.

He stood up from his seat, wiping his blade for the final time, before strapping the weapon across his back. Walking across the deck of the ship, he pulled out the key held from a chain around his neck and slotted it into the one of the doors, twisting the handle and opening the door to his quarters. Lifting the strap for his sheathed weapon over his shoulder, he set it down next to his bed and climbed in, quickly falling asleep.

 

 

There he was, he recognized this place instantly. He looked around, but his surroundings were black. There was no sky, no other land in sight. Just the small, perfectly crafted piece of land ahead of him, almost as if it was created to be an arena. The floor raised in some parts, cut off at ledges, with small rock formations nearby. He gripped the blade over his shoulder and ran in.

A blast of purple energy flashed by him, and he ran to the closest rock formation he could find. In order to hide? In order to plan his attack? He wasn’t sure, maybe it was just fear that had taken hold of him. But he had to fight. Shaking his head, he ran out from the rock formation and to the nearest ledge, dodging several more energy blasts.

Reaching the ledge, he looked out at the rest of the arena, seeing a winged creature, almost as if clad in gold, charging towards him.

This will be the day, He thought, as he ran and jumped from the ledge, pulling out his weapon, and swinging it above his head in mid-air. He’d studied, he’d practiced, and this time, he was finally going to kill it.

The red flash of energy from his weapon was only met by the creature’s purple one, growing, forming at the creature’s mouth. He lowered his weapon swiftly towards the creature’s head, determined to put an end to all his suffering.

The creature released its energy with a loud roar and a beam from its mouth, blasting him in the chest and knocking him back. It shook its head, seemingly unfazed by the slash of his weapon.

He hit the ground hard. Maybe too hard. He tried to get up, raising his body, and grabbing his weapon, landing just inches away from his hands. But he couldn’t get up. The pain was too much, and once he saw the purple glow radiating from his hands, he knew he made a mistake. It was over.

No… Not like this… It won’t happen to me, I swear it won’t… He tried grabbing for his weapon, the pain only growing and the glow radiating stronger.

He screamed. The pain continued, heavier and heavier, but he couldn’t give in. He’d grab his weapon and charge back in, ready another attack and-

No, that’s what it wants you to do.

He screamed again, his mind seemingly fighting against itself, not knowing whether to launch himself at the creature again in a burst of rage, or leave and try to recover.

He’d leave. He’d run far away. If he kept fighting, he would die here. He’d recover, and he’d come back later. He would grab his weapon, and he’d-

He’d kill the beast.

He screamed again, the pain lessening, but the glow growing even stronger, now reaching his shoulders. He reached for his weapon again, trying to fight off the pain. All that mattered to him now was to see this beast dead.

It’ll die. I’ll kill it. I’ll drive my sword right through its flesh. I want to hear it scream. I want to hear it roar. I want to…

He gripped the handle of his blade, and raised himself to his knees. The pain died down. He felt fine. The screams and the pain were replaced by laughter and strength.

I’ll drive my blade through its neck… I’ll slice its wings off and laugh while it roars in pain… I’ll rip out its eyes and cut off its legs… And its skull I’ll keep as a trophy. I’ll have my revenge… And it will be so sweet…

He laughed. He screamed. He raised himself to his legs and swung the large blade over his head. 

He ran forward, swinging his blade, laughing in delight, quickly approaching the beast.

I’ll die if I approach it like this.

His hands shook, his swings growing weaker.

But… I need to kill it… It’s going to die… It’s going to die!

His gripped tightened, strengthening his swings, running as fast as he could towards the beast. It began to charge up again.

The two beings ran at each other, bathed in the purple glow. He ran in, raised his blade, and had been attacked again.

The same attack. The same way… I was so stupid…

But… It had to die… I was going to kill it… I was… I…

He woke up to the sound of his own screams.

Reviews

[Arturo A. Estrada]

Sweet Prologue! I love where you're going with this and I'm already hooked. I want more haha.

Okay so to start off, I had to re read your first section twice in order to understand what was happening and everything clicked into place. I have no idea what the Wycademy is (might wanna add a small hint at what that is. government, ruling body, council, School, etc) or what the monster was, though I did get it when dragon blood was mentioned.

Then the dream, that was really well done. I could imagine it vividly and I highly enjoyed it. You did well for an action scene, I'm horrible with those. Kept it short and concise.

I do suggest you try to use more descriptive imagery. Showing, not telling. Though you did use keywords throughout the battle that had me imagining even as you did tell. Even a bit during the first part. You're almost there, but a bit more description wouldn't hurt. Especially in the first part where its characters interacting and setting the scene and not a fight.

Also, this sounds more like a first chapter. A really good eye catching chapter! I suggest you keep out a prologue, not every story needs one. But, I don't know what your plot is or what you entail for this story so its up to you. Just my advice.

Great writing, can't wait to see more from you!

P.S Don't forget to reread it out loud for small spelling errors, your ear catches A LOT.

[VioletValkyrie]

Thanks so much! I actually wasn't expecting anyone to read this, it's nice having that proved wrong.

The trouble with fanfiction is explanations of certain things or certain terms as those who are likely to read it are most likely people interested in that fandom, and I can see where you're coming from in terms of lack of explanation of key terms.

I never really thought of expanding upon imagery, although now that I read everything I've written again, I definitely agree, thanks for catching that for me.

I've been writing prologues more often, but I try to do so only when it works for the plot. This is just kind of a test to see if anyone would be interested in seeing more, and if I called it a first chapter, it would seem like I already have more in the works.

[Arturo A. Estrada]

Haha you're very welcome it was a wonderful read!

Oh it's fanfiction?! That explains it then! I do the same when I write fanfiction as there's no point in explanations them since the fandom already knows. I didn't realize it was fanfiction since I don't know the fandom, completely passed over my head.

You're very welcome also on imagery! You're a good writer, it just needs a bit more :) and ah I get the prologue thing! Makes sense, especially if you don't have more in the works. You could also call it a one-shot or any other term to show that it's a standalone for the most part. But yeah I'd love to read not eim highly interested! Even if it's part of a fandom I know nothing about haha.

[VioletValkyrie]

I'm actually very shocked that people who have read this and talked to me have said they're not familiar with the fandom, yet still enjoy the writing. It's great to hear.

Hopefully I should have more out soon, but my priority is currently on the other fic I'm working on under a different fandom. If I get ahead in writing for that, I'll definitely work on this!

[Arturo A. Estrada]

Really now? Haha thats good though, shows that your writing is good if people not from the fandom enjoy it as well, shows you're a good writer.

I would love to see more from you on this, I can't wait! hopefully that other fanfiction works out so you can work on this. I want more haha.