Demon Slaughter

Poem about demons and their evil nature. Please give me a review xx

Demon Slaughter

Creatures of hell with desires led by lust,

Human memories of them have turned to rust.

Their long claws as sharp as talons,

They are just as deadly as a dragon.

Razor teeth, eyes as dark as night,

Their strength holds a dark might.

Lords of hell, dark masters risen,

Impossible to hold them in a prison.

Do not defy them or make them angry,

You will regret it - They bring about agony.

Long red horns atop their head,

Even a tail - or so it's said.

Demons waiting with their need to kill,

Hear the cries in the night... down goes god's will.

By Violet Stone

Author's Note

Hope you enjoyed it everyone!

Reviews

[Jack Wolfe]

An interesting read, I would recommend some word play, perhaps some short descriptive phrases to set your tone.

Their long claws as sharp as hawk talons,
And just as deadly as a fire dragon.

Their claws sharpened, their cadaverous talons
As deadly as any fire-breathing dragon

(a suggestion, but it still needs a little work, Claws, and talons, become contradictory . . . their one or the other, claws suggest a grounded beast, while talons suggest a winged fowl.

I appreciate the image you’re trying to convey, but your meaning is lacking (almost as if you forgot the final line). It speaks of a spiritual undertaking, lost, consumed, God’s will forsaken, but it feels a bit halted, as if there’s more to be said.

[Violet Stone]

Thank you for the review, Jack. I'm really grateful that you'd take the time to help me improve. I'm thinking about changing it a little in regards to what you have said but not quite sure as of yet so I'm still giving it thought. I wanted "Claws" and "Talons" to both be there as really I believe a bit of both was needed. Demons can be winged as well as beastly so that's why I ended up putting both words.

I understand what you mean by "meaning is lacking" and I will defiantly get around to changing it as I can see what I have missed out. I find myself knowing what needs to be added if I am understanding you. Again, thank you very much for helping me out there! Its nice to know good people like you :)

Best Regards,
Violet

[John Thomas]

Wicked....... There are real demons among us, and they are scary. Nice description of evil.

[MomzillaNC]

A very interesting read. Great imagery and meter.

JUST SOME NOTES (feel free to ignore them):
"have" seems superfluous in the second line and breaks the rhythm a little
"as" also seems superfluous in the fifth line: "Razor teeth and eyes, dark as night"
Again, "as" in line nine: "Don not defy them; they will get angry"
Line eleven, maybe [atop] instead of "on top"
And, the last line (though I know it breaks the couplet) seems like it should be two lines. Maybe "…and down goes god's will" should be a stand alone closer.

[Violet Stone]

Thanks for the review and the detail you put it, its much appreciated that you'd help me improve. I agree with you but when checking over it with you, I seem to find myself disagreeing a little. The ones that you think are superfluous seem just so right to me and feels like they should be there and therefor I cannot bring myself to alter them which I apologise for.

However, I do agree with you on line eleven. Thank you for discovering that as I do believe I did meant "Atop" in the first place. That certainly does seem more fitting that "On top". As for the ending of the poem, I would have had an ellipsis but I wanted the "cries in the night" to be happening at the same time as god's will going down so hence forth I put "And" instead.

I apologize if these little mishaps put you off the poem at all. Thank you again for the review and help, I shall get onto correcting it right away!

Sincerely,
Violet Stone

[MomzillaNC]

Never apologize for your voice -- that's what poetry is: the voice of your soul. Only you know what best speaks for you. We're all just here to help each other when we can; but advice isn't a command. I've often received advice I didn't agree with and chose not to follow. For example, my editor "Ten Year Old Boys" rambles to much, but I wouldn't budge on it (it looks like that one won't make it into the book). The editor thought "Walking" is to disturbing; again, I wouldn't change it. But, I "Sweet Addiction" and "Morning Sunshine" both benefitted from input by readers on this site and from my editor. There are a handful of poems my editor wouldn't budge on; those will not be in the book (that's the reality of the commercial side). But, I will not… cannot change one word of them.

Again, never apologize for your voice… You know the words that MUST stand.

[Violet Stone]

Thank you so much. I think that has to be the best advice anyone has ever gave me on this site, I understand what your telling me and I completely agree with you! Poetry is whats your voice, heart and soul. I guess I just needed to hear that said from someone else in order for me to truly believe - That's why I'm thanking you. All of what you just said really did hit my heart and wake me up to the true nature of poetry.

As for the apologizing, I have this problem where I always feel the need to be sorry for things I may have not have even done or been the cause of. However, I am working on breaking that habit :)

[MomzillaNC]

Apologies are wonderful, magical things, to seldom used. However, it can be like sandpaper on your soul when you apologize for things you've no need to feel regret over. You can disagree with an issue or someone else's perspective without having to apologize. You have a right to your own perspective and the right to be confident in it.