Set Them Free: Chapter 4

 Waiting had done nothing. Planning had done nothing. And now we had paid the price. Now I had paid the price. Guilt racked my mind, the knowledge that my inaction had caused the death of an innocent girl. I was inconsolable, but I can't let my own self-pity bleed into the others, and try desperately to rally my own spirits. I help Az transport the body to the graveyard before he simply nods his thanks. He prefers to work in silence, and I don't have the energy to speak even one word to him, so I turn and leave in utter silence. Dark thoughts cloud my mind, and my own subconscious begins to berate me, mocking me for my cowardice.

If I hadn't been too scared of the consequences.

If I had just acted faster.

If I had just cleaned the food for them.

If I hadn't failed. Again.

No matter how many times I shake my head, try to focus on something else or even just concentrate on my own footsteps, the thoughts return. They violate my every thought and sense, as though I am surrounded by a horde of mocking peers, laughing at me for my inadequacies. Everywhere I turn I see her face, everywhere I hide I can hear her voice. I no longer know where I am and collapse in a heap on the ground, all my frantic panic having exhausted me. Wet mud soaks into my leggings and I realise I have made it to the forest, beneath the darkened canopy of trees where not the slightest patch of sunlight can touch me. The silence is suffocating, and I lie back in the damp soil. I can feel the cold water drench my shirt, the filth coat my back, but I cannot bring the strength to care.

It feels like I'm falling, and for every passing second I fall further. I allow the mud to soak into my skin, the cold ripping at my flesh as I feel my very core go numb. Something inside me breaks. I theorise that it is my heart. I close my eyes and watch images flash across my eyelids, memories of not only the girl whom I had failed, but of past events and things which shall now never come to pass. I cannot fathom why this one death has shocked me so much. Over my time serving the King I have seen hundreds die, and in far more violent ways than simple food poisoning. So why this girl?

I close my mind to thoughts of her, and force a blissful emptiness to take root in my imagination. Nothing exists save empty space, and everything goes cold. I try to keep it that way, until my heart rate slows and my breathing returns to normal, but more pictures flicker into my mind. They fold over one another like a rolling mist, before one pushes its way to the fore and becomes clear. It's Lily. No, not just Lily. Sam is with her, and Adam too. They are all of them shaking their heads, tears roll down Lily's face while Sam just turns away disappointed. I have failed them, all of them, and they know it. Somehow they know, and they have judged me a failure �" rightly so. I pull myself from the mud and kneel before them, and before I can help myself I am yelling. Begging.

Screaming.

“I didn't mean to... I tried to help as much as I could, but I couldn't...”

The only response I get is the endless, eternal silence of the forest. The words won't stop coming though, and I babble almost incoherently without pause for breath. Apologies and confessions, curses and damnations, demands and wishes all escape my lips, no order to the words. Just begging for forgiveness. My mind races and all the blood rushes from my head as my body gasps for air. Again I feel the rushing sensation of falling, before letting out one final yelp into the air.

“I'm sorry!”

I collapse backwards again and close my eyes, and a dread silence falls once again....

***

I open my eyes as small droplets of water hit my face, meshing with the tears already there. I had fallen asleep, and what little light there once was is gone now, the forest plunged into an utter blackness. I rise from the ground, shaking water and dirt from my form before heading back to the castle. It takes some time before I can find the road, my mind is scattered and I lose my way easily. Branches claw at my coat, begging me to stay with them, cutting at my clothing and my skin. But I ignore them all, my head down and my feet moving continuously. Finally I break out onto the road, and the rain intensifies as I escape the shelter of the trees. The road is flooded, and every half hearted step I take is slowed as I push through the water. It feels like minutes, but when I reach the outskirts of the city under my charge my head snaps up. Must have been walking for at least a half hour to reach here. A smirk graces my face.

“Heh. Time flies when you're having fun....”

I look up just in time to see a silhouette charge me down. Arms wrap around me in a vice like grip, unwilling to let go and it takes a moment longer than normal for me to realise it's Lily. She's sobbing into my chest, and I try to calm her down before a familiar voice pierces the darkness.

“For the love of everything that lives, Luke! You had Lily scared shitless. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get someone out of the castle when they're off duty?!”

“Thanks, Roth. I owe you.”

“Damn right you do! I had to sneak her out with my troop just to go find you. Adam and Sam are freaking out back in the Barracks. You two better stick with me. It'll be easier for you to get in when I'm reporting back.”

I nod and raise Lily's head, caressing her cheeks and stroking her hair as tears flood from her eyes. She can't talk, but she doesn't have to. I understand perfectly and wrap my arms around her as we follow after Roth. We spend the next few minutes in silence, and for a moment Lily and I are left alone as Roth arrests and administers judgement on a law breaker. Something simple like defaming the King. Again I find my hatred for the regime simmering when things such as murder and rape go unpunished while defamation is cause for concern. Lily is practically falling asleep by the time we make our way back to the Castle, Roth's shift over. I brace her against my shoulder and turn to Roth.

“I'm sorry about this, Roth. I didn't mean to I...”

“I know what happened. Az told Sam, and Sam told me.”

A moment of silence.

“Something is wrong with all of this Roth.”

He nods in consent, as though he's known this for a long, long time.

“I'm glad I'm not the only one who saw it. I guess you and Sam have something planned?”

I nod ever so slightly, but with the Castle gates looming up ahead I can say no more. We both lapse into silence as the pristine marble arch passes over us, and make our way inside out of the torrential downpour. The Barracks is warm and well lit, and I feel an immense tiredness slip over me as soon as I enter. Lily, however, has already fallen asleep and is only standing thanks to me. I nod to Roth that I'll be back soon and carry her to her own room. I lay her down on her satin sheets and remove her soaking clothes before pulling the blanket over her. My mind is too scattered, too broken to appreciate her beauty, not tonight, and so I leave her to sleep alone.

By the time I return to the Barracks, Roth is the only one there. Everyone else has either gone to bed or is on duty, and so we speak openly to one another. Roth opens the conversation himself.

“So, what have you and Sam got planned for this marvellous solution, eh?”

“It was to be a simple fix. Help small people where we could, just make the citizens lives better...”

“Doable.”

“But now I see more needs to be done. So long as the king remains in power people will live in squalor.”

A look of concern comes over Roth's face, and I anticipate what he's going to say before he can even inhale to begin speaking.

“A quick fix is useless in a world this s****y, Roth. And you know that!”

“Keep your voice down Luke. Look, I agree with you, but that doesn't mean we can go starting some kind of revolution. How much support do we have?”

I look down, rage simmering in my heart. I know what Roth says is true, and Sam would probably back him up. But I don't care. If the King gave a damn about his subjects then they wouldn't live in fear. They'd live peaceful lives devoid of horror and pain.

That girl would still be alive.

“This takes thought, and time Luke. We don't know how many people would flock to your cause, and even then we don't know if a revolution is even possible. You hear me?”

I nod.

“Good. Now I'm going to get some rest. I'm on duty with you, Sam and Lily tomorrow. I suggest you do the same.”

I wave as Roth leaves the Barracks and fill a glass with some wine. I lift it to my mouth and gaze into the ever burning flames of the fire. I almost leap up when a voice sinks over the back of my chair.

“Don't do it. It will not end well.”

I stand and spin, hurling my glass into the fire.

“Damn it Az! Have you seen what goes on down there? You're the f*****g undertaker of the kingdom. How many have died because they cannot feed themselves? How many have been murdered?”

Az continues to stare at me, pleading with me through his eyes. But I am blinded by rage and storm out of the room. He calls out to me one last time, and the sheer pain in his voice almost makes me pause.

“Please...do not do this.”

I ignore him and leave him alone in the Barracks. I reach my own room, still in a roaring fury and hurl myself upon my bed. I do not expect to sleep tonight, and as I lie there, thoughts of righteous rebellion fermenting in my mind a familiar rushing of blood catches me off guard. Once again I feel like I've tripped, I feel like I'm falling.

And then I am asleep.