Have you ever thought...

I was accused once of it all being fake. I was thought to be cold and shallow, and thought to have been just a user, just another person taking what they want and throwing it away when I was done with it. All in an instant.

I have had experiences that have changed me, for the better or the worst I don't know, but I will never be the same. Who knows why these things happen, or why they had to happen the way they did. But I will never be the same because of them.

The worst was the most unavoidable, one that I have not thought of in a long while. One that still makes me scared around some of the people I feel like I should have some sort of trust with.

It was such a quite night, started out so well. Though the times had been bad the day had gone good for once.

And then it happened and I felt as if my whole world had been shattered. What kind of peace could I have in a world like this, when everything went so wrong every time things were starting to look up?

Why did it happen? Especially in a time like that, I wont ever know the answer. I still have nightmares, I still have fears, I still watch and wonder if it will happen again. If it will be worse the next time, if I will make it out whole.

I can only blame myself for the other soul shattering event. I remember my tears and the need to crawl out of my skin. To be somewhere else, to be someone else.

And then I remembered the fight, I remember the harsh words and the accusations. I remember being told that if I could not admit it to myself that it must have all been fake.

I couldn't admit it, I didn't want to admit it....because it hurt me deep inside, it made my soul cry, it made me disgusted with myself...It made it real.

I remember being face to face with hated and pain, being stared at as if I was not the same person. Looking myself in the mirror as if I was not the same person. I wanted to die that day. I wanted to be anything that what I was.

I was sitting tucked into the corner, rocking back and forth, crying. I was just crying, I couldn't stop. Every time I looked into eyes of a crashing ocean I felt my soul tear a little more. I saw my reflection in those eyes, that horrible monster.

All I could say was that I was sorry, I was just sorry. For myself, for being so stupid, for being ugly and pathetic, for being my own monster and everyone elses.

I think back an remember the absence, remember the light coming over the horizon as I failed to sleep another night. I remember my phone, laying on the floor, quite with silence.

I remember the second new years, the text, a kiss....tears.

I remember hating myself, and hating everything.

And then I remember everything else....all the good....and I remember those words from so long ago, on that night when I thought it was breaking, lost forever, to fall into nothingness...I remember those words as if they were the first and last I ever heard.

Have you ever cared to question, ever though that you were still around because I wanted you to be.

Shouted, as if a plea, a need, a wanting for everything to end and just start over again.

I cried.