You Faded Away

 

Tears beating against the ground,

turning heads from all around.

Sidewalk completely covered in blood,

one last heartbeat, one last thud.

There he lays, where everyone can see,

but few people fall to his side on their knees.

Looking down at his face so pale,

it can't be over, no, you can't bail!

Begging, please, you can't leave,

I need you, why can't anyone see?

Your hand so cold, as you let go,

you want to speak but can't let us know.

Bullets shatter every fiber in my mind,

blood soaking through your shirt and running out of time.

Gasping one last time, as the light leaves your eyes,

life fading quickly, God won't listen to our cries.

Trying to tell you that it's okay,

but we all know, it's not going to end that way.

Shaking at the wind so cold up my spine,

you can't leave me, you can't die!

This can't happen, no, not today,

as I sat on my knees and watched your life slip away.

Reviews

[HorrorMaster]

this is beautiful but sad.

[Ruth]

Excellent work! This has GREAT structure and flow! xx

[deeps]

This is wonderful i think it is a very enjoyable read.

[James Watts]

I really liked this. The emotions and the imagery, I picture this happening with every word. Very nice.

[Miss Coral]

Very good piece, great emotion-- there are some changes that I would personally make though. These are of course only suggestions. :)

"you can't bail" kinda ruined the emotion for me at once point. Made me pause. It seemed out of place in such a serious piece, too casual.
I'd omit:
"only a" from "but only a few people fall to his side on their knees."
the comma from "you want to speak, but you can't let us know." as well as the second "you"
the "ing" from "shattering"
the comma from "Trying to tell you, that it's okay"
and "watched" could be "watch".

Personally, I think that with these adjustments, the poem could go from really good to excellent. However, it was quite good the way it is. Good job! :)

[I'llPlayTheJuliet]

Very, very, nice.
I loved the line, "Blood soaking though your shirt and running out of time,"
I don't know, if suicide is really this close to you, if it is or it isn't, you express it so well.

[Levioshock]

very nice