Chpt. 1

"All right, we're here." Said Jackson as he put the car in park. Vincent had fallen asleep half way to the place. It was a two hour drive and it was in the middle of the night. Vincent stirred opened his eyes. "Are you sure this is the right place?" Vincent opened the car door and stepped out. He began stretching as Jackson replied, "Yeah, I'm sure. I've told you my memory is like a still trap." Vincent chuckled. "Yeah right. You've only been here once and by the way this is now your second time driving here in a year." "So? That doesn't mean a thing." Jackson took the keys out of the ignition making the car go silent. Vincent looked at the huge warehouse. It was built on top of a hill and the entrance was on the bottom of it.

"Uh, Jackson, you did say there was a huge party right?" "Yeah. I mean even all of the cars here should be proof of that. Maybe the doors and windows are sound proof." As Vincent and Jackson started for the heavy metal doors they opened and a woman came stumbling out like she was shoved. She immediately turned around and started yelling at the people that threw her out. "I'm telling you I'm serious!" The three guys that threw her out laughed. "Please, you expect us to believe something like that?" "Fine, but if you get killed it will be too late to pull your head out of your a*s." "Lady, I'm not gonna tell you again." "Fine, fine. I'm going." The woman turned from the guards and walked towards Vincent and Jackson and stopped in front of them. "Don't go in there. There‘s something evil lurking in there. I'm telling yo--" "You've got two seconds before I drive you out of here!" One of the guards called to her. She gave on last hopeful look at Vincent and Jackson and then finally and hurriedly walked away.

"Who was that?" Jackson asked. The guard that seemed to be in charge answered, "That girl was Melantha." "Melantha? What the heck kind of name is that?" One of the other guards answered. "I don't think that is her real name. That's just what everyone around here calls her. The name means Black Flower. I think it suits her." "Yeah," the third guard said. "Beautiful but different from the rest. The only thing that really bothers me is her hardcore belief in superstitions. That's why she was infuriated earlier. She thinks we would believe some story about there being a ghost in this place. Of course, we didn‘t believe her. She's normally a good girl but she is also short tempered."

As Jackson and Vincent walked down the hallway the thumping of music got louder. The lead guard paused before opening the door. "I must tell you that this is a big warehouse. You cold get lost easily and this place can be pretty creepy during night hours. Just make sure that you don't go wandering off." Vincent got out his flip lighter. He didn't smoke nor really even lit things on fire but it was a habit he formed since he was eleven. Just flipping it open and closed. "Have fun." The guard opened the door and the intensity of the music filled everyone's ears.

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Jackson seemed to get into dancing real easily but Vincent wandered off a corner of the room with the least activity. He still felt somewhat drowsy and the tempo of the music went down too. It was a slow song with a gothic atmosphere. That was who most of the people at the party were. Vincent felt his eyelids close when he thought he saw a shadow outside of the door that was next to him.

Vincent sat up and walked to the door. The figure that stood there seem to float off to the side. Vincent opened the door to see who the person was and only found an empty, darkly lit, hallway. His eyes adjusted to the darkness he stepped out from the door. He looked from one side to the other and remembered the guard's warning. Vincent turned around to go back but the door slammed shut. He tried to open the door when he found that the doorknob didn't turn. "Ah, crap. It's locked from the outside." He muttered under his breath.

His hairs stood on end and his senses were flaring. He knew that there was something wrong. He turned around with his back to the door repeatedly looking down both ends of the hall. Directly ahead of him was a door. A sign next to the door said that it led to the emergency stairway. Vincent thought about banging on the door but there were two things wrong with that plan. The people not hearing him because of the music and the person or thing, that he thought was close or somewhere nearby, would come to the source of the noise.

Vincent inched his self down the hallway, quietly, to see what else there was. There was another door at the end of the hallway that led to an office. Vincent stepped inside and looked around. When he saw that there was nothing in the room he relaxed. He sat in the chair at the desk and wondered what had he saw to make him come out and search. He thinking of the Boogieman movie he saw when a shadow had come across the door. Vincent froze. He had closed it to make sure nothing had snuck up on him but had forgot to lock it. His heart began thumping. Vincent just stared at the door waiting for the figure to step through it.

He carefully approached the door and turned the knob. He gathered up courage and yanked the door open. To his surprise no one was there. He stared down the long hallway. He hoped his mind was using the poor lighting to play tricks on him because he thought he saw a figure down on the other end just standing there. He spun when he heard something that sounded like a whisper behind him. There was nothing there. He felt a chill run down his spine and felt someone or something behind him. He slowly turned only to face a person with pale dead blue skin and craggy clothes with hair in their face. The person let out a moan and Vincent backed away in horror as the person's mouth got longer and it reached out its grasping hands. Vincent tripped over something and fell backwards hitting his head on the edge of the desk and he blacked out immediately.
 

Reviews

[Paris France]

I actually wasn’t going to read this piece, but once I read the first paragraph I was drawn in. It really holds the readers attention with the perfect balance of suspense and dramatic visuals.
I also liked how the main character, Vincent, had some logical intelligence. He wasn’t your run of the mill horror flick star, who dose stupid things to provoke the “boogieman”. I also liked the little personal descriptions you gave him, how he likes to play with his lighter and how he talks to himself.
There were only a few mechanical errors, but nothing that a simple proof read won’t cure.
Well done, I really enjoyed this : )