Sometimes I wish...

sometimes i think that the world is going on a wrong way. The beauty of this world is lost in the darkness of falseness, politics, silly fights with no reason. i wish if i could go to some ideal land

SOMETIMES I WISH

I wish if I could ask to a genie,

for a ride to a place, away from here..

away from the dirty game AKA politics..

to a land of love and peace to share...

away from the pseudo-friends,

away from the wars...

from the darkness of blind-competition,

to an ideal-land far..

free like a breeze, i want to ride,

no limitations, no directions to home...

through grasslands, n villages n hilly slides,

and tall oak trees, along side..

to become a part of that complete unknown..

where lies the joy in the sun, n seasons of fun..

the dawn with chirpping, in a cot in the shed

where Roses win the fights against a Gun,

where lovers do rules, and haters were dead

gimme a bike, i wanna go..

to an ideal-land or similar to so...

my dreams are tied to a horse that never tires...

but still i will ask a shooting star to do so....

Author's Note

please give me your suggestions on this poem, it really encourages the me for a better performance next time.

Reviews

[Lisa Ring]

Can I come with you? I really enjoyed this and I think you did a splendid job with the rhythm and imagery. I don't know if I like "text speak" in poetry, it feels a little "lazy" and I would slow down on the metaphors, maybe pick a couple you want to emphasize. But overall, well done. :)

[Vincent Esprit FMI]

I like your imagery Vinay. Tt flows and transports the reader! Well done!

Vincent

[Alma Miller]

Good job! I like it. One thing I would say (and this is personal preference; you don't have to agree!) is that the ellipses, or "..." at the end of each line can be a bit distracting. Over all, though, well done!

[John Alexander McFadyen]

A very whimsical and dreamy feel to this poem of great sentiment. It portrays the yearning and the disatisfaction with the wrongs of the world. The first two stanzas flow very well but it tends to get slightly clumsy for the next two stanzas. Overall a good poem.

[Vinay Kumar]

thank you sir for appreciation. :)

[spiritwind]

Your first line: "I wish if I could ask to a genie"`~~in America, we would say: "I wish I could ask a genie". Having said that, I admit that correct grammar can be boring whereas your first line just the way it is charms the heck out of me. "through grasslands, n villages n hilly slides"~~~does the "n" stand for "and"? I enjoyed your thoughts, I enjoyed the poetry of your lines. I suppose we can mention the places where grammar takes a hit and you can decide what to do at that point---but frankly I find a beguiling charm in your poem just the way it is.

[Vinay Kumar]

thank you for liking it, and yes i have used "n" at the place of and. actually i find it helpful too and easy to use words like "AKA", "n" and "gimme" at the place of "give me". i didn't knew if the reader likes it too or not. but, that's why i am on WC.org, to learn these small things.. :)

[Amanda J. S.]

I really like this poem! It really points out almost all of the wrong things on this earth!

100/100!

[Vinay Kumar]

hmm... I m glad you liked it... :)

[anxia]

Loved the simple rhyming!Nice work.
There should be no 'to' after 'ask'.In the fourth stanza,'where lovers do rule'* and 'haters are dead'?
Keep writing:)

[Vinay Kumar]

well, thanks for liking, as you know m still struggling with grammar problem, but i also try to overcome that by fresh creativity. :)

[hyflyte]

Grammar aside your poem is terrific. I am really not a poetry fan but this made me feel great.

[Vinay Kumar]

Thank you very much Mr. genehall, looks like i am going on right way with words.. :)