Love and Dreams

A Chapter by Vin

A short love story

See my works and join me at https://rumours.app/topics/my-travel-diaries-page-1-love-and-dream

We said goodbye with a hug, your bag between us. You were sunshine in every way possible. What were the odds that years after spending justa few days together in Leh,Ladakh, we could meet again in your hometown, bearing slightly deeper creases around our eyes, and feel every flutter, every thudding heartbeat, just the same as backpackers?

I was a mess. And somehow you were the same.We were two gypsies who met to create a short beautiful love story(definitely not romance)

After that hug, Helen leaned in and kissed me. She had teary eyes of happiness and ecstacy. But is that what a gypsie life is for. Attached and then life is fixed. The gypsy minds are so sensitive, they are wild in dreams, making love, behaviour and many other things.

One second passed.

Two seconds passed.

Three seconds passed.

Three seconds of holding your hand as we smiled at each other �" that definitely crossed the line into we-know-this-is-more-than-friendship territory. She was smiling with tears.

"Helen, remember the first time we met ?"

It was just 2 days ago,both met around a campfire and started talking. There was no topic not being discussed and it was morning as they realized they reached a mountain top.

"You remember writing down your dream on the rock? Repeat that to me Helen."

It was difficult for her to talk. "I... want to travel every place possible, being stuck at one place with one person .... I... will never make that mistake. I belong to the universe." She couldn't continue.

I smiled and held her hand, kept it close to her heart.

"Is that what you're doing now? Is this why you came all the way from Marceille? The moment we are attached, story is over. We both belong to the universe. This is what you want, I'm no different. Isn't it?"

She smiled. We hugged and that felt like an eternity.

Our time was over and I'm sure both are glad that it went like that.

LOVE

[email protected]

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© 2020 Vin

Author's Note

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Reviews

barleygirl

Best part -- your story covers interesting compelling aspects of people being attracted to one another . . . the constant questioning over whether it's "romantic" . . . or "xxxx"!?!?! Why do people need to define it? Why can't we humans just enjoy it & stop trying to smash it into some box? The lady in your story wants to be free & independent (good stuff!) . . . I feel you could expand this quite a bit more, tho. This is a huge & heavy aspect of two people coming together. Your way of touching on it feels like you are only hitting the high points.

I have a similar struggle as I write the longest story I've ever written (230 pages in 1 month so far!) I am constantly having to fill in with all the everyday details of life to show instead of tell. I write in a bare bones fashion, as you have done here. Then I go back & expand each passage to be 3 times as long becuz of all the HUMANITY I am trying to pack into my story. You could stand to do that here. SHOW me how this lady wants to be independent. SHOW me the decisions she makes, the actions she takes, which make her an independent woman. One of the best parts of your writing style is the way you mix it up with short sentences, long sentences, breathing space (like where you do the "one second" - "two-second" - "three-second" thing) . . . these changes keep the readers' eyes from glazing over from too much "sameness" in sentences & words.

You could stand to punch up your word choices, too. A mess? Show me what a mess looks like. A hug? Show me what that hug feels like and smells like. She couldn't continue? Show me how she's choked up or she's pissed or she's stricken by some big recollection that all this brings up.

All in all, great start . . . here's encouraging you to keep filling in the blanks & grow your story from the inside out, as well as adding more to the end to make it longer (more chapters, or whatever) Fondly, Margie

Posted 4 Years Ago

I have a similar struggle as I write the longest story I've ever written (230 pages in 1 month so far!) I am constantly having to fill in with all the everyday details of life to show instead of tell. I write in a bare bones fashion, as you have done here. Then I go back & expand each passage to be 3 times as long becuz of all the HUMANITY I am trying to pack into my story. You could stand to do that here. SHOW me how this lady wants to be independent. SHOW me the decisions she makes, the actions she takes, which make her an independent woman. One of the best parts of your writing style is the way you mix it up with short sentences, long sentences, breathing space (like where you do the "one second" - "two-second" - "three-second" thing) . . . these changes keep the readers' eyes from glazing over from too much "sameness" in sentences & words.

You could stand to punch up your word choices, too. A mess? Show me what a mess looks like. A hug? Show me what that hug feels like and smells like. She couldn't continue? Show me how she's choked up or she's pissed or she's stricken by some big recollection that all this brings up.

All in all, great start . . . here's encouraging you to keep filling in the blanks & grow your story from the inside out, as well as adding more to the end to make it longer (more chapters, or whatever) Fondly, Margie

Rating /100

JayG

Well, you did ask, so you have only yourself to blame.

• We said goodbye with a hug, your bag between us.

Funny, I don’t remember doing that. 🙄

The problem is that as a reader I don’t know who “we” are, what they are to each other, and the gender of either character. It might be that the relationship is ending, one of them is going on holiday, or if one of them is going to work. No way to tell since you put effect before cause.

In other words, there is no trace of context for a reader, so while they have words, the words have no meaning as they read. Given that, why would they want to go on? Remember, a reader has no assurance that you will clarify. And if you do, it can’t retroactively remove the confusion as it’s read.

• You were sunshine in every way possible.

Knowing who they are, where they are, and what’s going on, plus their relationship, this makes perfect sense…to you. But the reader has only what those words suggest to them, based on what they know of the story, which is nothing. So, knowing neither of them or the situation, this line only deepens the confusion.

The problem is that you’ve written a letter to someone unknown, talking about things for which you give the reader no context. When you read it you have several advantages. First, you know who the people are, their relationship and their history before you read the first word. So you automatically “fill in the blanks,” and it works. The reader can’t.

Next, you can hear emotion in the narrator’s voice—your voice. The reader hears only what you’ll hear if you have your computer read this aloud, a text-to-speech reader.

The problem you face, and share with pretty much all hopeful writers, is that all your training in writing is nonfiction. And the approach to nonfiction writing is outside-in: The narrator lists events and explains them. But since you’re talking TO the reader who can neither see nor hear you, the voice they hear as they read is inherently dispassionate. And because the story and events are obvious to you, you’ll forget to include necessary information, like context and detail that would give that context, and not miss them.

The solution is easy enough. Hit the library’s fiction-writing section to pick up the emotion-based techniques of the fiction writer. It will take time to perfect, but that’s true of all professions.

As I usually do, I’ll suggest you look at a few of the articles in my writing blog for an overview of the issues. And hit the library’s fiction-writing section for advice from the pros.

I’s say more but at the moment it’s close to 3:00 AM here, and I need some sleep, so…

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Posted 4 Years Ago

Well, you did ask, so you have only yourself to blame.

• We said goodbye with a hug, your bag between us.

Funny, I don’t remember doing that. 🙄

The problem is that as a reader I don’t know who “we” are, what they are to each other, and the gender of either character. It might be that the relationship is ending, one of them is going on holiday, or if one of them is going to work. No way to tell since you put effect before cause.

In other words, there is no trace of context for a reader, so while they have words, the words have no meaning as they read. Given that, why would they want to go on? Remember, a reader has no assurance that you will clarify. And if you do, it can’t retroactively remove the confusion as it’s read.

• You were sunshine in every way possible.

Knowing who they are, where they are, and what’s going on, plus their relationship, this makes perfect sense…to you. But the reader has only what those words suggest to them, based on what they know of the story, which is nothing. So, knowing neither of them or the situation, this line only deepens the confusion.

The problem is that you’ve written a letter to someone unknown, talking about things for which you give the reader no context. When you read it you have several advantages. First, you know who the people are, their relationship and their history before you read the first word. So you automatically “fill in the blanks,” and it works. The reader can’t.

Next, you can hear emotion in the narrator’s voice—your voice. The reader hears only what you’ll hear if you have your computer read this aloud, a text-to-speech reader.

The problem you face, and share with pretty much all hopeful writers, is that all your training in writing is nonfiction. And the approach to nonfiction writing is outside-in: The narrator lists events and explains them. But since you’re talking TO the reader who can neither see nor hear you, the voice they hear as they read is inherently dispassionate. And because the story and events are obvious to you, you’ll forget to include necessary information, like context and detail that would give that context, and not miss them.

The solution is easy enough. Hit the library’s fiction-writing section to pick up the emotion-based techniques of the fiction writer. It will take time to perfect, but that’s true of all professions.

As I usually do, I’ll suggest you look at a few of the articles in my writing blog for an overview of the issues. And hit the library’s fiction-writing section for advice from the pros.

I’s say more but at the moment it’s close to 3:00 AM here, and I need some sleep, so…

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Rating /100